A cry for help. Please read.
17-01-2010, 08:44 PM
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A cry for help. Please read.
Firstly, I dont know quite why im posting this on here, to some of you I may seem a little messed up but I want to share my life with you all in the hope someone can make some sense out of my thoughts and feelings.
Ive written this over the course of today and yesterday, the end brings me up to the current time of 21.40pm.
My experience in words.
Friday morning. I woke up as normal, checked my phone and laid there untilit was time to wake up. I laid there still, until when I woke I realised I was stood at my front door having thrown my DVD player outside and smashed it to pieces over the bonnet and windscreen area of my Suzuki jeep. I had no recollection of doing this and it didnt become reality until I realised that my last memory was laying there in bed. This instance come as a shock. From here I realised my body and mind were not as they should be. I felt warm to touch and was sweating, as in beads of sweat running from my brow, my hands were sweating constantly, my arms trembling and my heart beating rapidly. This scared me so I logged on here as I would,I flicked the kettle on and made myself tea. I sat there drinking the tea i'd made while browsing threads of interest, and deep down I was hoping this feeling that had overcome me would go away. The next few hours became a blur, I had stated to have a tidyup and rather rapidly had filled 3 binbags of rubbish. A feeling come over me and it was then that I realised I had smashed my spare freeview box to pieces, had bounced it round my living room and was standing there stabbing it violently with a flat nosed screwdriver....this feeling was still in my body and I actually felt as though something had taken over my body and mind, I felt out of control of my thoughts and emotions and had no pattern to the way I was thinking. Thoughts were flashing through my mind in no particular order and they were all thoughts of things that where I should have been worried. I was concerned for myself and scared that I was going mad or similar, I changed my Facebook statuses every half an hour as a cry for help, hoping that someone would help me. This went on for a few hours,eventually I spoke to my ex wife over the internet and explained in detail what i'd experienced that morning. She told me she was proud that i'd not bottled it up and had actually spoke out for help, I genuinely didnt know what to do next. She pointed me in the direction of an online depression test which I completed, I never gave myself any time to answer and ticked the relevant boxes as I felt relevant at that time. The results came back as 64, anything over 57 was classed as severe mental depression. I tried another test, and scored 90/100 which again pointed at the same thing. A sense of relief came over me for a second, I felt as though I had a reasoning behind feeling the way I had. From here I contacted my doctor to book an appointment and briefly explained what i'd have felt throughout the last few hours and she said that she thought the same. She wanted me to spend the weekend gathering my thoughts and gave me an early appointment for Monday morning. Again, I experienced the same sense of relief but only fund it short lived; I kept getting angry with myself for no apparent reason,the next i'd be welling up in tears. I could feel a rage going through me and a sense wanting to punish myself, this all happened while still sweating, shaking, and feeling out of control with myself. By this point my phone was going mad with people ringing me, it seemed as though my cry for help was successful and people were standing up and taking note of what was happening. People offered to come keep me company but I wanted to remain solitary...I didnt want anyone seeing me well up for no reason as male pride was taking over. Some people didnt understand it and told me it was a phase that I was going through, others said that they could understand why I was feeling this way as they knew my past as i'll explain now....I had it all- the happy marriage, the children, the home, the cars, the material things. One thing led to another and we grew apart, it was a very emotional time for me and I didnt know how to deal with things and eventually went off the rails. I was dissapearing for hours at a time and was making mysself untraceable, I was self harming and generally making an arse of myself and scaring those close to me. I got myself back on track after a few months,I spent alot of time in the company of others, met an amazing girl who I hit things off with and tried to put a brave face on my hidden emotions and the things that were still eating me up inside. I quit my job one day as i'd had enough, memories of the marriage i'd walked out from kept coming back and I wanted to make a change to my life and to me it seemed the obvious and easy option. I had a period of unemployment and struggling to pay bills, that led to debt and I realised that I needed to do something to stop me from falling into that state again. Eventually a mate bailed me out and got me a position where he worked, basically it involved living on site and being on call, recovering the occasional vehicle and having a crack with the lads in the meantime. I got my finances back on track and vowed to save some coin so I could move out- this didnt happen and I ended up wasting between £15/20k on nothing. While in this position I became a naughty boy and was seeking sexual experiences like they was going out of fashion I slipped up and got a girl pregnant. Yes I should have relevant precautions but in my defence she did tell me she had an operation and couldnt have kids. Well anyway from her I put on the brave face, acted like the Jack the lad and never let anything phase me. Deep inside I was worried. Worried that my finances were going up the shoot, worried that i'd have another child on the way, worried what would happen when my contract ended and the job finished and most importantly was worried that i'd never be truly happy again. My contract finally ended on Dec20th 2008 and I moved back home with my parents, again I put a brave face on and pretended everything was ok but deep down I was unhappy about my lack of money and even more concerned about my living arrangements. I was unemployed again, wondering where my next few quid was coming from but luckily met a girl who lived in a rented house with her children so me and her got together not because there was a click there between us but because I saw it as a temporary cure to some of my problems. 2009 was on and off for me, I moved to another contract doing the same thing as previous and felt a bit happier in myself. Eventually day by day I was slowly getting unhappy, nobody picked up on it yet I knew it was happening but had no idea how to resolve it. All my problems dissapeared when in others company but when alone I had too much to think about and could feel myself getting lower. Come May, the girl who was pregnant delivered her child and instantly contacted me to tell me so, I grew a sense of ignorance and decided I wanted a DNA test to prove the child was mine. She got really shirty about it but agreed, she did tell me that even if it came back as the child being mine, she wanted me to have nothing to do with her as her current partner was going to play dad. Anyway, I kept this whole scenario from my parents, not wanting to dissapoint them and realise how much i'd failed. A little while later my parents decided to split up, I knew it was coming but felt unable to do anything about it....I went home one weekend to be greeted with the news that I was expecting, my parents were splitting as i'd thought. Deep down it bugged me, as usual I put a big smiley face on it and supported both my mum and dad in their time of need while struggling to hold it together myself.
That brings me to November 2009, I met a girl i'd fancied for ages who had recently split with her ex, it was by chance we met and I instantly felt a spark. We talked everyday for ages, feelings getting stronger for each other the more we talked. We had a mass introduction before christmas- me, her and my kids jumped on the train and went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, closely followed by her parents, her sister, her brother and her brothers girlfriend. We had an amazing time, we all felt comfortable round each other and I felt on top of the world. The period up until christmas was great in the sense of getting to know each other, these strong feelings were still there and things just felt amazing. We got together on christmas day which really made my christmas, I spent a few hours at hers with her family while on the skive from work and we continued to see other when we could in the time up until this last week. She does exercise classes through the week alongside working and seeing her friends, I accepted this and told her it was fine and that I was happy to grab time with her when I could. I found this hard as she became alot to me but I grinned and bared it. This is where it gets interesting as I bring us to Sunday 10th Jan. She visited me as usual, we had an amazing time and she stayed over with me. Mondays are busy for me as I sort out the lads paperwork so it means alot of running round. She had the day off so I told her to chill out if she wanted to but she decided to go home and get on with some stuff. I never planned to see her that day but agreed to message each other and to meet up when we were both next available. Gradually over the course of the week, things didnt add up with me, texts were few and far between, and those that I did recieve seemed blunt to say the least. On Tuesday she messaged me saying that she had something she wanted to discuss, me being me wanted to know asap so I got her to spill the beans and she mentioned that she was planning on going travelling around the world. Instantly I felt a sense of worry, wondering how I was going to cope with not seeing her even though not only had we only been together weeks but her trip was a long way off yet. As you can see the pattern forming here, I tried to not let it bug me but couldnt help it, slowly it was eating up me inside. Even though I knew that it was months away and that it may not happen anyway, I couldnt control this sense of worry and being alone and it caused me to lose massive amounts of sleep, uncontrolled crying, and it got me thinking about what was making me be this way to such a serious degree. We continued to speak through the course of the week, she told me on Thursday that she missed me and wanted to see me on ther Friday night which I made plans for. My Friday started as I previously mentioned in this post, I kept messaging her telling her what I was going through and how I was feeling but all I got back was 'ok' and continued blunt replies. She eventually told me later in the day that she couldnt make it due to her brother letting her down, I felt gutted as I hadnt seen her face to face since Monday. Needless to say I got the strop with myself which reignited my already built up anger and I just could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body. I help myself together just, in the meantime I was still contacting people so I knew I truly felt that people were helping me through these feelngs. I finally left work and headed back, all I could think about was seeing my kids and gaining comfort with them. I nearly broke down into tears when I saw them, just seeing their carefree faces made me well up and I think that their mum could see this too. I felt at ease around them, although I was still edgy it felt good to be around people and I began to feel semi-normal again....at this point my emotions were beginning to flow and I could feel myself welling up yet again- also with this came an horrible sick feeling in the back of my throat. I made it through the next few hours with no main problems, mainly chilled out and spent time with my kids. Once I left I went to meet a friend of mine as he was worried from what I had written on Facebook and wanted to see me. I felt good talking about it, it was a overwhelming sense of relief when I explained how I felt and what my mind was doing to me. We chatted till 1.30am and I went home to a single bed where I lay thinking. I kept going over and over what had happened trying to find something that had made me spark off like that but came to no answer as I couldnt really think straight to be honest. I finally got to sleep around 5am and woke again at 9.
Almost as soon as I awoke, my phone stated going mental. My mum was trying to ring me and I didnt feel like I wanted to speak to anyone by this point but she persevered and I finally answered. She started to tell me how my nan had died last night and to be a bit wary around my dad. We never saw eye to eye with my nan over a dispute years ago but hearing that she was dead was a bit of an eyeopener for me- I hadnt seen her in about 6years but was planning to make an effort and see her this year as I figured she wouldnt be around longer. Last time I see her was when my son was less than a year old...she was frail enough then, struggling to walk unaided. My sons 7 now. I put on another brave face tried to hold it together for the sake oflosing my sanity and managed to control my emotions by keeping myself busy. An hour or later I decided to get in the shower, I did so and felt comfortable being in there relaxing. I got out and was partway through drying myself when my phone went. Jusdging by the tone it was a BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) message and that could only be my girlfriend. My heart sunk as she told me she didnt want to be with me any longer, she had issues in her head that she wanted to deal with and she wouldnt want me to be part of that as it was something she had to do alone. From this I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I felt the need to punish myself, Ididnt mind you as I had my kids with me and that wouldnt have been right. I immediatly called up my ex wife/kids mum to talk to her and she invited me round....we sat talking and I felt happy that I was sharing my unhappiness but more to the point I felt better being around someone. From here I had sort of calmed down abit and spent most of the weekend around someone whether it be my children or friends and family.
I felt as though I was getting back to normal until one thought hit me like a sledgehammer- going back to work and being alone. This instantly bought on a state of panic, I wondered how I was going to cope being alone. Id been comfortable around people all weekend and now I was to be put to the ultimate test of sitting by myself for an evening with nothing real to do apart from think. I dropped my kids home, bathed them and kissed them goodnight and then started the journey back to work. While in the car, I couldnt bear to have the music on and I drove in silence. The wave of panic rushed through me and I felt nervousabout turning up on site. When I did, I felt as though there was something holding me from getting out the car. I braved it and made it inside where I am now, ive been pacing up and down unable to sit still, my heart is racing, im trembling, and feel a genuine sense of uneasyness.
This brings me to where I am now, unable to think straight and unable to relax in this environment.
The only real thing i'm looking forward to is my doctors appointment in the morning but am seriously contemplating driving to the hospital now for help.
Thanks for reading,
Paul
Ive written this over the course of today and yesterday, the end brings me up to the current time of 21.40pm.
My experience in words.
Friday morning. I woke up as normal, checked my phone and laid there untilit was time to wake up. I laid there still, until when I woke I realised I was stood at my front door having thrown my DVD player outside and smashed it to pieces over the bonnet and windscreen area of my Suzuki jeep. I had no recollection of doing this and it didnt become reality until I realised that my last memory was laying there in bed. This instance come as a shock. From here I realised my body and mind were not as they should be. I felt warm to touch and was sweating, as in beads of sweat running from my brow, my hands were sweating constantly, my arms trembling and my heart beating rapidly. This scared me so I logged on here as I would,I flicked the kettle on and made myself tea. I sat there drinking the tea i'd made while browsing threads of interest, and deep down I was hoping this feeling that had overcome me would go away. The next few hours became a blur, I had stated to have a tidyup and rather rapidly had filled 3 binbags of rubbish. A feeling come over me and it was then that I realised I had smashed my spare freeview box to pieces, had bounced it round my living room and was standing there stabbing it violently with a flat nosed screwdriver....this feeling was still in my body and I actually felt as though something had taken over my body and mind, I felt out of control of my thoughts and emotions and had no pattern to the way I was thinking. Thoughts were flashing through my mind in no particular order and they were all thoughts of things that where I should have been worried. I was concerned for myself and scared that I was going mad or similar, I changed my Facebook statuses every half an hour as a cry for help, hoping that someone would help me. This went on for a few hours,eventually I spoke to my ex wife over the internet and explained in detail what i'd experienced that morning. She told me she was proud that i'd not bottled it up and had actually spoke out for help, I genuinely didnt know what to do next. She pointed me in the direction of an online depression test which I completed, I never gave myself any time to answer and ticked the relevant boxes as I felt relevant at that time. The results came back as 64, anything over 57 was classed as severe mental depression. I tried another test, and scored 90/100 which again pointed at the same thing. A sense of relief came over me for a second, I felt as though I had a reasoning behind feeling the way I had. From here I contacted my doctor to book an appointment and briefly explained what i'd have felt throughout the last few hours and she said that she thought the same. She wanted me to spend the weekend gathering my thoughts and gave me an early appointment for Monday morning. Again, I experienced the same sense of relief but only fund it short lived; I kept getting angry with myself for no apparent reason,the next i'd be welling up in tears. I could feel a rage going through me and a sense wanting to punish myself, this all happened while still sweating, shaking, and feeling out of control with myself. By this point my phone was going mad with people ringing me, it seemed as though my cry for help was successful and people were standing up and taking note of what was happening. People offered to come keep me company but I wanted to remain solitary...I didnt want anyone seeing me well up for no reason as male pride was taking over. Some people didnt understand it and told me it was a phase that I was going through, others said that they could understand why I was feeling this way as they knew my past as i'll explain now....I had it all- the happy marriage, the children, the home, the cars, the material things. One thing led to another and we grew apart, it was a very emotional time for me and I didnt know how to deal with things and eventually went off the rails. I was dissapearing for hours at a time and was making mysself untraceable, I was self harming and generally making an arse of myself and scaring those close to me. I got myself back on track after a few months,I spent alot of time in the company of others, met an amazing girl who I hit things off with and tried to put a brave face on my hidden emotions and the things that were still eating me up inside. I quit my job one day as i'd had enough, memories of the marriage i'd walked out from kept coming back and I wanted to make a change to my life and to me it seemed the obvious and easy option. I had a period of unemployment and struggling to pay bills, that led to debt and I realised that I needed to do something to stop me from falling into that state again. Eventually a mate bailed me out and got me a position where he worked, basically it involved living on site and being on call, recovering the occasional vehicle and having a crack with the lads in the meantime. I got my finances back on track and vowed to save some coin so I could move out- this didnt happen and I ended up wasting between £15/20k on nothing. While in this position I became a naughty boy and was seeking sexual experiences like they was going out of fashion I slipped up and got a girl pregnant. Yes I should have relevant precautions but in my defence she did tell me she had an operation and couldnt have kids. Well anyway from her I put on the brave face, acted like the Jack the lad and never let anything phase me. Deep inside I was worried. Worried that my finances were going up the shoot, worried that i'd have another child on the way, worried what would happen when my contract ended and the job finished and most importantly was worried that i'd never be truly happy again. My contract finally ended on Dec20th 2008 and I moved back home with my parents, again I put a brave face on and pretended everything was ok but deep down I was unhappy about my lack of money and even more concerned about my living arrangements. I was unemployed again, wondering where my next few quid was coming from but luckily met a girl who lived in a rented house with her children so me and her got together not because there was a click there between us but because I saw it as a temporary cure to some of my problems. 2009 was on and off for me, I moved to another contract doing the same thing as previous and felt a bit happier in myself. Eventually day by day I was slowly getting unhappy, nobody picked up on it yet I knew it was happening but had no idea how to resolve it. All my problems dissapeared when in others company but when alone I had too much to think about and could feel myself getting lower. Come May, the girl who was pregnant delivered her child and instantly contacted me to tell me so, I grew a sense of ignorance and decided I wanted a DNA test to prove the child was mine. She got really shirty about it but agreed, she did tell me that even if it came back as the child being mine, she wanted me to have nothing to do with her as her current partner was going to play dad. Anyway, I kept this whole scenario from my parents, not wanting to dissapoint them and realise how much i'd failed. A little while later my parents decided to split up, I knew it was coming but felt unable to do anything about it....I went home one weekend to be greeted with the news that I was expecting, my parents were splitting as i'd thought. Deep down it bugged me, as usual I put a big smiley face on it and supported both my mum and dad in their time of need while struggling to hold it together myself.
That brings me to November 2009, I met a girl i'd fancied for ages who had recently split with her ex, it was by chance we met and I instantly felt a spark. We talked everyday for ages, feelings getting stronger for each other the more we talked. We had a mass introduction before christmas- me, her and my kids jumped on the train and went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, closely followed by her parents, her sister, her brother and her brothers girlfriend. We had an amazing time, we all felt comfortable round each other and I felt on top of the world. The period up until christmas was great in the sense of getting to know each other, these strong feelings were still there and things just felt amazing. We got together on christmas day which really made my christmas, I spent a few hours at hers with her family while on the skive from work and we continued to see other when we could in the time up until this last week. She does exercise classes through the week alongside working and seeing her friends, I accepted this and told her it was fine and that I was happy to grab time with her when I could. I found this hard as she became alot to me but I grinned and bared it. This is where it gets interesting as I bring us to Sunday 10th Jan. She visited me as usual, we had an amazing time and she stayed over with me. Mondays are busy for me as I sort out the lads paperwork so it means alot of running round. She had the day off so I told her to chill out if she wanted to but she decided to go home and get on with some stuff. I never planned to see her that day but agreed to message each other and to meet up when we were both next available. Gradually over the course of the week, things didnt add up with me, texts were few and far between, and those that I did recieve seemed blunt to say the least. On Tuesday she messaged me saying that she had something she wanted to discuss, me being me wanted to know asap so I got her to spill the beans and she mentioned that she was planning on going travelling around the world. Instantly I felt a sense of worry, wondering how I was going to cope with not seeing her even though not only had we only been together weeks but her trip was a long way off yet. As you can see the pattern forming here, I tried to not let it bug me but couldnt help it, slowly it was eating up me inside. Even though I knew that it was months away and that it may not happen anyway, I couldnt control this sense of worry and being alone and it caused me to lose massive amounts of sleep, uncontrolled crying, and it got me thinking about what was making me be this way to such a serious degree. We continued to speak through the course of the week, she told me on Thursday that she missed me and wanted to see me on ther Friday night which I made plans for. My Friday started as I previously mentioned in this post, I kept messaging her telling her what I was going through and how I was feeling but all I got back was 'ok' and continued blunt replies. She eventually told me later in the day that she couldnt make it due to her brother letting her down, I felt gutted as I hadnt seen her face to face since Monday. Needless to say I got the strop with myself which reignited my already built up anger and I just could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body. I help myself together just, in the meantime I was still contacting people so I knew I truly felt that people were helping me through these feelngs. I finally left work and headed back, all I could think about was seeing my kids and gaining comfort with them. I nearly broke down into tears when I saw them, just seeing their carefree faces made me well up and I think that their mum could see this too. I felt at ease around them, although I was still edgy it felt good to be around people and I began to feel semi-normal again....at this point my emotions were beginning to flow and I could feel myself welling up yet again- also with this came an horrible sick feeling in the back of my throat. I made it through the next few hours with no main problems, mainly chilled out and spent time with my kids. Once I left I went to meet a friend of mine as he was worried from what I had written on Facebook and wanted to see me. I felt good talking about it, it was a overwhelming sense of relief when I explained how I felt and what my mind was doing to me. We chatted till 1.30am and I went home to a single bed where I lay thinking. I kept going over and over what had happened trying to find something that had made me spark off like that but came to no answer as I couldnt really think straight to be honest. I finally got to sleep around 5am and woke again at 9.
Almost as soon as I awoke, my phone stated going mental. My mum was trying to ring me and I didnt feel like I wanted to speak to anyone by this point but she persevered and I finally answered. She started to tell me how my nan had died last night and to be a bit wary around my dad. We never saw eye to eye with my nan over a dispute years ago but hearing that she was dead was a bit of an eyeopener for me- I hadnt seen her in about 6years but was planning to make an effort and see her this year as I figured she wouldnt be around longer. Last time I see her was when my son was less than a year old...she was frail enough then, struggling to walk unaided. My sons 7 now. I put on another brave face tried to hold it together for the sake oflosing my sanity and managed to control my emotions by keeping myself busy. An hour or later I decided to get in the shower, I did so and felt comfortable being in there relaxing. I got out and was partway through drying myself when my phone went. Jusdging by the tone it was a BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) message and that could only be my girlfriend. My heart sunk as she told me she didnt want to be with me any longer, she had issues in her head that she wanted to deal with and she wouldnt want me to be part of that as it was something she had to do alone. From this I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I felt the need to punish myself, Ididnt mind you as I had my kids with me and that wouldnt have been right. I immediatly called up my ex wife/kids mum to talk to her and she invited me round....we sat talking and I felt happy that I was sharing my unhappiness but more to the point I felt better being around someone. From here I had sort of calmed down abit and spent most of the weekend around someone whether it be my children or friends and family.
I felt as though I was getting back to normal until one thought hit me like a sledgehammer- going back to work and being alone. This instantly bought on a state of panic, I wondered how I was going to cope being alone. Id been comfortable around people all weekend and now I was to be put to the ultimate test of sitting by myself for an evening with nothing real to do apart from think. I dropped my kids home, bathed them and kissed them goodnight and then started the journey back to work. While in the car, I couldnt bear to have the music on and I drove in silence. The wave of panic rushed through me and I felt nervousabout turning up on site. When I did, I felt as though there was something holding me from getting out the car. I braved it and made it inside where I am now, ive been pacing up and down unable to sit still, my heart is racing, im trembling, and feel a genuine sense of uneasyness.
This brings me to where I am now, unable to think straight and unable to relax in this environment.
The only real thing i'm looking forward to is my doctors appointment in the morning but am seriously contemplating driving to the hospital now for help.
Thanks for reading,
Paul
17-01-2010, 09:02 PM
#5
having a mid life crisis
Try and relax a little if you decide to go to the hospital if you8 can get somone else to drive you there,as would not recommend driving in your state.
If you go to the hospital they may prescribe you anti physcotic drugs to help control your temper and aggression,they have helped me as little things like people snoring on a train use to make me want to smash their heads in or just make my rage uncontrable.
If you not go to the hospital see your doc and make him listen to you,you might find just telling him and have him listening might ease the burdom.
Sounds like you had a panic or anxiety attack quite common and can be controlled with drugs.This made sound daft try and write down what your feeling in words or poems that will focus your mind a little or write on here,It use to help me write things on here when I was at my lowest ebb a few years ago.
There is no magic cure I give wish there was it will take time you will have lows but in time they will get slightly better.
Sometimes the best advice too take is what you would give someone else in your own situation.
You alone at work or is there people with you?
If you need to get something off your chest and dont wanna put it up on here drop me a pm mate I will listen and not judge
If you go to the hospital they may prescribe you anti physcotic drugs to help control your temper and aggression,they have helped me as little things like people snoring on a train use to make me want to smash their heads in or just make my rage uncontrable.
If you not go to the hospital see your doc and make him listen to you,you might find just telling him and have him listening might ease the burdom.
Sounds like you had a panic or anxiety attack quite common and can be controlled with drugs.This made sound daft try and write down what your feeling in words or poems that will focus your mind a little or write on here,It use to help me write things on here when I was at my lowest ebb a few years ago.
There is no magic cure I give wish there was it will take time you will have lows but in time they will get slightly better.
Sometimes the best advice too take is what you would give someone else in your own situation.
You alone at work or is there people with you?
If you need to get something off your chest and dont wanna put it up on here drop me a pm mate I will listen and not judge
Last edited by Less.; 17-01-2010 at 09:03 PM.
17-01-2010, 09:05 PM
#6
burnzy
i think warren would be one of your best people to speak about this mate as he's been through stuff like this in person, as said above deffo ask if a mate can come comfort you it really sounds like you've hard a hard time of recent, unfortunately it never rains but only pours, holding it all inside is the worst thing you can do though 
17-01-2010, 09:06 PM
#7
15K+ Super Poster!!
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Wow!
honey, you really really need a friend or someone with you right now! Can you go to your ex's? she seems to understand you better than anyone else by the sounds of it!
Your 'separation' type of anxiety is a classic symptom of a form of depression! some people lock themselves away whilst other have to be with people continuously. There are different prescriptions that will help ease that enxiety, and calm your feeling of fear and panic.
You have made the biggest step now by admitting that you know there is something wrong!!! So huge well done for that! in less than 12 hours, youll be on your way to feeling better after being diagnosed by the doctor and on the road to making yourself better.
Good luck honey.
honey, you really really need a friend or someone with you right now! Can you go to your ex's? she seems to understand you better than anyone else by the sounds of it!
Your 'separation' type of anxiety is a classic symptom of a form of depression! some people lock themselves away whilst other have to be with people continuously. There are different prescriptions that will help ease that enxiety, and calm your feeling of fear and panic.
You have made the biggest step now by admitting that you know there is something wrong!!! So huge well done for that! in less than 12 hours, youll be on your way to feeling better after being diagnosed by the doctor and on the road to making yourself better.
Good luck honey.
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17-01-2010, 09:07 PM
#8
just finding my feet
mate your just going through a shite time at the min, you need your friends for help here tbh aswell as doctors, ex partners aint a help and,,,,, tbh you sound like you do alot of selfish things though when things go bad you seem to depend on people........maybe you need to think about applying yourself better and work harder thinking of others too and you might not think soo bad of yourself perhaps
im going through a tough time but having mates around helps me alot,,, also as sad as it sounds having mates with problems also helps to forget about yours
brief example of my life,,,,,, 4 months ago i had a home, partner, little girl i lived with and not a single money worry and a fair bit of cash in the bank, working in a department i was requested to work with very low working hours,,,, now im living back with parents, got no savings left that i could live on for more than a month or 2, was asked to leave my last job due to my nature of being straight to people as in i dont kiss arse and aint got a clue whats going on in my life either,
im also luck i have a unit of good mates who look out for me, some more than others tbh but i hope in a few months my life will start to move forward again as there aint much further i can go back tbh
good luck anyway and hope things sort themselves out,,,,, just remember it may feel like your the only one but some people have things much worse too im afraid
im going through a tough time but having mates around helps me alot,,, also as sad as it sounds having mates with problems also helps to forget about yours
brief example of my life,,,,,, 4 months ago i had a home, partner, little girl i lived with and not a single money worry and a fair bit of cash in the bank, working in a department i was requested to work with very low working hours,,,, now im living back with parents, got no savings left that i could live on for more than a month or 2, was asked to leave my last job due to my nature of being straight to people as in i dont kiss arse and aint got a clue whats going on in my life either,
im also luck i have a unit of good mates who look out for me, some more than others tbh but i hope in a few months my life will start to move forward again as there aint much further i can go back tbh
good luck anyway and hope things sort themselves out,,,,, just remember it may feel like your the only one but some people have things much worse too im afraid
17-01-2010, 09:10 PM
#9
10K+ Poster!!
As above mate, dont drive if you have been smashing/doing things you dont realise. phone someone close to you, have a talk to them, and see if they can drive you to hospital.
17-01-2010, 09:15 PM
#10
PassionFord Post Troll
as above really mate , ive been throught some bad times as well mate with money and relationship and had really bad panick attacks,but that was down to smoking to much weed as well .
I was put on antidepresants ( sipromil , say it as ive spelt it lol ) , i thought that my life would never change but it does mate, thing so and will get batter.
in the long run it will just make u a stronger person, when u have this shit sorted u will look back and think what was i like. what do u do for a job , how old are ya ?
Ben
I was put on antidepresants ( sipromil , say it as ive spelt it lol ) , i thought that my life would never change but it does mate, thing so and will get batter.
in the long run it will just make u a stronger person, when u have this shit sorted u will look back and think what was i like. what do u do for a job , how old are ya ?
Ben
17-01-2010, 09:17 PM
#11
having a mid life crisis
Dont wory your not being selfish when you do things your not realising,sometimes you act like a zombie or you feel your on auto pilot you have no control over them.
17-01-2010, 09:25 PM
#14
PassionFord Regular
Hi mate dont know really what to say other than the above. Just dont feel ashamed to cry and let it out, I broke down and cried for 2 days when I admitted I had a problem on Tuesday.
As you know Im going through the same thing so if you want a chat PM me.
Rob
As you know Im going through the same thing so if you want a chat PM me.
Rob
17-01-2010, 09:26 PM
#15
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look mate life`s full of shit at times!! i dont know you but i really do care for you as ive been there.. i spend a large time in the army and lost alot in my time friends and family included for gods sake and i mean this as ive been places and thought i wasnt coming home alive please hold this very positive thought!! THINK OF YOUR KIDS. pull ya self together..if you just want someone to talk to i will pm you my number and we can talk all night. other than that get yourself straight to the doctors in the morning please.
atb mat.
atb mat.
17-01-2010, 09:29 PM
#16
I've found that life I needed.. It's HERE!!
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Thanks for all your kind words.
It feels easier to share this situation with people. I think im going to just hang in here till the morning, ive got all the lights off and the doors shut and locked and am using my laptop for light....i feel safer like this.
Im a recovery driver that sits on call on the side of the motorway, I basically live here too. Theres only me and another guy here, he's 40+, stinks and is not the nicest bloke to chat to at the best of times let alone now!
Someone asked how old I am, i'm 27.
I dont think its brave putting all this up here, i'm at my lowest and am past the point of caring. I didnt want to bottle it all up and I know that theres kind people one here that could raise me up a few notches on the ladder.
Sorry for sounding blunt and also for not replying to you all individually, im not really in the right mindset but am trying....
It feels easier to share this situation with people. I think im going to just hang in here till the morning, ive got all the lights off and the doors shut and locked and am using my laptop for light....i feel safer like this.
Im a recovery driver that sits on call on the side of the motorway, I basically live here too. Theres only me and another guy here, he's 40+, stinks and is not the nicest bloke to chat to at the best of times let alone now!
Someone asked how old I am, i'm 27.
I dont think its brave putting all this up here, i'm at my lowest and am past the point of caring. I didnt want to bottle it all up and I know that theres kind people one here that could raise me up a few notches on the ladder.
Sorry for sounding blunt and also for not replying to you all individually, im not really in the right mindset but am trying....
17-01-2010, 09:32 PM
#17
PassionFord Post Troll
You would be suprised how many people have had issues like this and dont tell anyone, talkin to people helps so much , even if its just on a car forum.
Any help and advise is a great help i found.
I found going to the gym releives alot of stress.
Do u suffer from panic attacks ?#
Any help and advise is a great help i found.
I found going to the gym releives alot of stress.
Do u suffer from panic attacks ?#
17-01-2010, 09:34 PM
#18
You have taken the first steps mate and have recognised you need some help. There is no shame in it and np point in bottling things up so get the help you need to get yourself back on track.
Just make sure those you go to see 'professionals' understand you want and need their help and make sure they give it to you.
Keep us posted fella.
Matt
Just make sure those you go to see 'professionals' understand you want and need their help and make sure they give it to you.
Keep us posted fella.
Matt
17-01-2010, 09:41 PM
#21
PassionFord Regular
As above you've took a step in the right direction now admitting you've got a problem. I know its only the start but it felt to me like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Talking helps even to complete strangers, just dont feel you're on own.
17-01-2010, 09:42 PM
#22
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Ive never experienced panic attacks that I know of, im not sure if this could be one now or not? Who knows....
I thought about signing up to the gym, might have to look into that soon once ive got some help.
Thanks again to you all for reading, I can understand that some may not know what to reply but its still nice to know that people have an insight into whats going on in my life and my head. Thanks
I thought about signing up to the gym, might have to look into that soon once ive got some help.
Thanks again to you all for reading, I can understand that some may not know what to reply but its still nice to know that people have an insight into whats going on in my life and my head. Thanks
17-01-2010, 09:43 PM
#23
You would be suprised how many people have had issues like this and dont tell anyone, talkin to people helps so much , even if its just on a car forum.
Any help and advise is a great help i found.
I found going to the gym releives alot of stress.
Do u suffer from panic attacks ?#
Any help and advise is a great help i found.
I found going to the gym releives alot of stress.
Do u suffer from panic attacks ?#
Last edited by longdog; 17-01-2010 at 09:51 PM.
17-01-2010, 09:48 PM
#24
PassionFord Post Troll
U would know if u had or were havin one , its the worst thing in the world, basically i thought i was dieing , i laugh ( its the only thing i can do ) about it now but at the time i was a total wreck.
But panic attacks do come if different forms and severity.
When u feel like ya hearts going mad just really focus on your breathing , throught the nose out the mouth , nice andf slowly , then your heart rate will drop to a nice level where u should be able to get some sleep, never resort to drinking to go alsleep it will just make things worse in the long run and thats when people turn to achohol to make them selves better. Or unpresribed drugs , do not touch them
17-01-2010, 10:01 PM
#28
PassionFord Post Troll
they say dont eat chocolate , cheese and alchohol ! fuck that !
So i do feel for people who do have or had panic attacks coz i know they can ruin peoples lives for a bit of time, i just had to be strong to get over them, i had to fuck my friends off who still smoked weed coz i knew it make me feel like shit even just sitting there with the smoke round me.
But weed has been linked with P.A and schizoprenia so i can only blame my self for that one lol
ben
17-01-2010, 10:15 PM
#30
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Thought I may aswell go to bed but again I dont feel safe with my bedroom door open- I used to sleep with it wide open and felt claustrophobic if it was shut.
Also, as I got into bed, I had to move aside her pink heartshaped cushion, I can smell her perfume on my pillow and theres strands of her long blonde hair dotted around my duvet. Hard times
Also, as I got into bed, I had to move aside her pink heartshaped cushion, I can smell her perfume on my pillow and theres strands of her long blonde hair dotted around my duvet. Hard times
17-01-2010, 10:25 PM
#32
10K+ Poster!!
Chin up buddy. get yourself to the doctors in the morning, tell the doc EVERYTHING, and they should be able to help you, whether through medication and/or counseling. as i said in the other thread on here, im currently on anti depressants, was going through a tough time myself till i admitted defeat and went to the docs. stay strong and hope you get everything back on track mate. im sure you will get through it and have happier times ahead.
17-01-2010, 10:30 PM
#33
PF's Guitar God!!!
In your darkest hour, you'll strike gold!!!
You need time away to just forget everything and be you for a while. I suggest you get the ex to take the kids for a week or two and you take a much needed vacation to get all the tension off your back. So take a simple faithful turn and do it.
Women come and go and it sucks when its someone you love. But 'Love' is the biggest 'Cunt' to fuck with peoples emotions. Get a friend to talk to or go see someone you can. I would recommend Psychiatrist mainly because its someone who can't talk about it with others you know. I don't care how close a friend is or how close you are. Friends will always Judge.
You need time away to just forget everything and be you for a while. I suggest you get the ex to take the kids for a week or two and you take a much needed vacation to get all the tension off your back. So take a simple faithful turn and do it.
Women come and go and it sucks when its someone you love. But 'Love' is the biggest 'Cunt' to fuck with peoples emotions. Get a friend to talk to or go see someone you can. I would recommend Psychiatrist mainly because its someone who can't talk about it with others you know. I don't care how close a friend is or how close you are. Friends will always Judge.
17-01-2010, 10:48 PM
#34
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Write everything down that you have written above and hand that to your doctor, thats what i did, depends what u r like i couldn't tell my doc everything that was upsetting me and as a result didnt get the help i needed. wrote it all down and got helped. Most people will have gone through or will go through what u r now, i went through 2 seperations that tore me apart, thought about taking my life several times but never had the bottle. im thanking god everyday now that i didnt as i have 2 wonderfull boys a great partner and 3 wicked to be step kids, all that happened to me was early last year and now im getting married july this year. Couldn't happier. if im honest sounds like you havent let your wife go, do you still have strong feelings for her?
In your darkest hour, you'll strike gold!!!!!!
I did and so will you.
Best of luck to you
In your darkest hour, you'll strike gold!!!!!!
I did and so will you.
Best of luck to you
17-01-2010, 11:41 PM
#35
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
Some really good advice given here,can't really add to it except a samaritans phone no. if no-one else is around (08457 90 90 90) Its 24/7 so there will always be someone to talk to.Please keep us posted fella.
18-01-2010, 03:37 AM
#36
wow thats and epic length post!
First of all stay safe! if your seriously thinking of hurting yourself then A+E asap! you might need time off work as in your frame of mind are you honestly safe to be recovering people on busy motorways? Last thing you want to do is crush yourself or step into the road because your minds elsewhere.
Most people have covered everything! Be very honest with doc, including self harm and suicidal thoughts etc.
Just remember it may take a while to stabilise things. It sounds like youve "cracked" with your outbursts etc so expect things to be a bit fucked up the next few days as you settle down. You will be totally exhausted too so allow plenty of time for sleep. also your safe in your bed.
Anxiety and mental illness go together. key is not to let the anxiety take over. anxiety and panic can be hell and take over your life with fear and worry and you dont want that. Try to control the anxiety now if you can.
Lonelyness is hard to deal with as usually it suddenly dawns on you how lonely you are and how empty everything feels and that feeling is fucking shit. Its not just about having a partner or mates etc, you can still feel alone despite all that. being around people doesnt usually get rid of it. sure it helps but you need to fill the emptyness inside yourself. That needs you to build your self esteem and confidence. sure in the meantime you can fill time with your kids etc but even then thats not who you are. find and accept who you are and things get a bit easier. you dont need a woman to complete your life, you want a woman to share and expand your life.
Keep writing stuff down as it helps vent frustrations and also means you can look back.
First of all stay safe! if your seriously thinking of hurting yourself then A+E asap! you might need time off work as in your frame of mind are you honestly safe to be recovering people on busy motorways? Last thing you want to do is crush yourself or step into the road because your minds elsewhere.
Most people have covered everything! Be very honest with doc, including self harm and suicidal thoughts etc.
Just remember it may take a while to stabilise things. It sounds like youve "cracked" with your outbursts etc so expect things to be a bit fucked up the next few days as you settle down. You will be totally exhausted too so allow plenty of time for sleep. also your safe in your bed.
Anxiety and mental illness go together. key is not to let the anxiety take over. anxiety and panic can be hell and take over your life with fear and worry and you dont want that. Try to control the anxiety now if you can.
Lonelyness is hard to deal with as usually it suddenly dawns on you how lonely you are and how empty everything feels and that feeling is fucking shit. Its not just about having a partner or mates etc, you can still feel alone despite all that. being around people doesnt usually get rid of it. sure it helps but you need to fill the emptyness inside yourself. That needs you to build your self esteem and confidence. sure in the meantime you can fill time with your kids etc but even then thats not who you are. find and accept who you are and things get a bit easier. you dont need a woman to complete your life, you want a woman to share and expand your life.
Keep writing stuff down as it helps vent frustrations and also means you can look back.
19-01-2010, 09:17 AM
#38
I've found that life I needed.. It's HERE!!
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Just to keep this updated, I attended my doctors appointment yesterday and she instantly thought my blood sugar level was down. I argued my case by saying it was something more serious than that which is when she went and spoke to another olleague.
I was asked to fill out a questionaire in which I got top marks and was instantly referred to the Crisis Mental Health Team at a local hospital. I had a meeting with this team of people and they gave me the answer that its a one of anxiety fit. They have signed me of work for two weeks, I have to keep a diary of my life while off, what I do, what I eat, where I go, weather conditions etc incase I have another incident. They said it could be that i'm alone from extended periods of time and that I may have got myself in some bad habits when it comes to filling my time (eating crap, too much time on here/xbox/watching tv, no exercise or fresh air)
So basically I have to buck my ideas up in these two weeks, I going to make some plans today for what I want to do with my life this year and start working out ways to action them.
Thanks again for all your concerns and kind PM's, its great to be part of such a brilliant community.
Paul
I was asked to fill out a questionaire in which I got top marks and was instantly referred to the Crisis Mental Health Team at a local hospital. I had a meeting with this team of people and they gave me the answer that its a one of anxiety fit. They have signed me of work for two weeks, I have to keep a diary of my life while off, what I do, what I eat, where I go, weather conditions etc incase I have another incident. They said it could be that i'm alone from extended periods of time and that I may have got myself in some bad habits when it comes to filling my time (eating crap, too much time on here/xbox/watching tv, no exercise or fresh air)
So basically I have to buck my ideas up in these two weeks, I going to make some plans today for what I want to do with my life this year and start working out ways to action them.
Thanks again for all your concerns and kind PM's, its great to be part of such a brilliant community.
Paul
19-01-2010, 10:11 AM
#40
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Only just seen this, didn't want to read and run, the positives here are that you recognise somethings not right, and that instead of giving in/up at situations that you have found hard, you haven't and still have pushed yourself i.e. not wanting to go into work.
The best thing you have done is ask for help, from professionals. If you feel the need to cry, do it, wont help to surpress it.
In some ways, and please don't take this the wrong way, it could be a good thing in the long run that you have split with your girlfriend (it doesn't make the pain any less) you both deserve for you to be well and sorted in your mind before embarking on a relationship (being she's only 20(?) she might not have had the maturity or inclination to support you through it)
Don't torture yourself trying to work out how or why your feeling like this, you'll drive yourself mad, just concentrate on the positives (which there are, even if you can't see them, or they are small) and getting better, best of luck, theres always a listening ear on PF
Z
The best thing you have done is ask for help, from professionals. If you feel the need to cry, do it, wont help to surpress it.
In some ways, and please don't take this the wrong way, it could be a good thing in the long run that you have split with your girlfriend (it doesn't make the pain any less) you both deserve for you to be well and sorted in your mind before embarking on a relationship (being she's only 20(?) she might not have had the maturity or inclination to support you through it)
Don't torture yourself trying to work out how or why your feeling like this, you'll drive yourself mad, just concentrate on the positives (which there are, even if you can't see them, or they are small) and getting better, best of luck, theres always a listening ear on PF
Z