Firstly, I dont know quite why im posting this on here, to some of you I may seem a little messed up but I want to share my life with you all in the hope someone can make some sense out of my thoughts and feelings.

Ive written this over the course of today and yesterday, the end brings me up to the current time of 21.40pm.


My experience in words.

Friday morning. I woke up as normal, checked my phone and laid there untilit was time to wake up. I laid there still, until when I woke I realised I was stood at my front door having thrown my DVD player outside and smashed it to pieces over the bonnet and windscreen area of my Suzuki jeep. I had no recollection of doing this and it didnt become reality until I realised that my last memory was laying there in bed. This instance come as a shock. From here I realised my body and mind were not as they should be. I felt warm to touch and was sweating, as in beads of sweat running from my brow, my hands were sweating constantly, my arms trembling and my heart beating rapidly. This scared me so I logged on here as I would,I flicked the kettle on and made myself tea. I sat there drinking the tea i'd made while browsing threads of interest, and deep down I was hoping this feeling that had overcome me would go away. The next few hours became a blur, I had stated to have a tidyup and rather rapidly had filled 3 binbags of rubbish. A feeling come over me and it was then that I realised I had smashed my spare freeview box to pieces, had bounced it round my living room and was standing there stabbing it violently with a flat nosed screwdriver....this feeling was still in my body and I actually felt as though something had taken over my body and mind, I felt out of control of my thoughts and emotions and had no pattern to the way I was thinking. Thoughts were flashing through my mind in no particular order and they were all thoughts of things that where I should have been worried. I was concerned for myself and scared that I was going mad or similar, I changed my Facebook statuses every half an hour as a cry for help, hoping that someone would help me. This went on for a few hours,eventually I spoke to my ex wife over the internet and explained in detail what i'd experienced that morning. She told me she was proud that i'd not bottled it up and had actually spoke out for help, I genuinely didnt know what to do next. She pointed me in the direction of an online depression test which I completed, I never gave myself any time to answer and ticked the relevant boxes as I felt relevant at that time. The results came back as 64, anything over 57 was classed as severe mental depression. I tried another test, and scored 90/100 which again pointed at the same thing. A sense of relief came over me for a second, I felt as though I had a reasoning behind feeling the way I had. From here I contacted my doctor to book an appointment and briefly explained what i'd have felt throughout the last few hours and she said that she thought the same. She wanted me to spend the weekend gathering my thoughts and gave me an early appointment for Monday morning. Again, I experienced the same sense of relief but only fund it short lived; I kept getting angry with myself for no apparent reason,the next i'd be welling up in tears. I could feel a rage going through me and a sense wanting to punish myself, this all happened while still sweating, shaking, and feeling out of control with myself. By this point my phone was going mad with people ringing me, it seemed as though my cry for help was successful and people were standing up and taking note of what was happening. People offered to come keep me company but I wanted to remain solitary...I didnt want anyone seeing me well up for no reason as male pride was taking over. Some people didnt understand it and told me it was a phase that I was going through, others said that they could understand why I was feeling this way as they knew my past as i'll explain now....I had it all- the happy marriage, the children, the home, the cars, the material things. One thing led to another and we grew apart, it was a very emotional time for me and I didnt know how to deal with things and eventually went off the rails. I was dissapearing for hours at a time and was making mysself untraceable, I was self harming and generally making an arse of myself and scaring those close to me. I got myself back on track after a few months,I spent alot of time in the company of others, met an amazing girl who I hit things off with and tried to put a brave face on my hidden emotions and the things that were still eating me up inside. I quit my job one day as i'd had enough, memories of the marriage i'd walked out from kept coming back and I wanted to make a change to my life and to me it seemed the obvious and easy option. I had a period of unemployment and struggling to pay bills, that led to debt and I realised that I needed to do something to stop me from falling into that state again. Eventually a mate bailed me out and got me a position where he worked, basically it involved living on site and being on call, recovering the occasional vehicle and having a crack with the lads in the meantime. I got my finances back on track and vowed to save some coin so I could move out- this didnt happen and I ended up wasting between £15/20k on nothing. While in this position I became a naughty boy and was seeking sexual experiences like they was going out of fashion I slipped up and got a girl pregnant. Yes I should have relevant precautions but in my defence she did tell me she had an operation and couldnt have kids. Well anyway from her I put on the brave face, acted like the Jack the lad and never let anything phase me. Deep inside I was worried. Worried that my finances were going up the shoot, worried that i'd have another child on the way, worried what would happen when my contract ended and the job finished and most importantly was worried that i'd never be truly happy again. My contract finally ended on Dec20th 2008 and I moved back home with my parents, again I put a brave face on and pretended everything was ok but deep down I was unhappy about my lack of money and even more concerned about my living arrangements. I was unemployed again, wondering where my next few quid was coming from but luckily met a girl who lived in a rented house with her children so me and her got together not because there was a click there between us but because I saw it as a temporary cure to some of my problems. 2009 was on and off for me, I moved to another contract doing the same thing as previous and felt a bit happier in myself. Eventually day by day I was slowly getting unhappy, nobody picked up on it yet I knew it was happening but had no idea how to resolve it. All my problems dissapeared when in others company but when alone I had too much to think about and could feel myself getting lower. Come May, the girl who was pregnant delivered her child and instantly contacted me to tell me so, I grew a sense of ignorance and decided I wanted a DNA test to prove the child was mine. She got really shirty about it but agreed, she did tell me that even if it came back as the child being mine, she wanted me to have nothing to do with her as her current partner was going to play dad. Anyway, I kept this whole scenario from my parents, not wanting to dissapoint them and realise how much i'd failed. A little while later my parents decided to split up, I knew it was coming but felt unable to do anything about it....I went home one weekend to be greeted with the news that I was expecting, my parents were splitting as i'd thought. Deep down it bugged me, as usual I put a big smiley face on it and supported both my mum and dad in their time of need while struggling to hold it together myself.

That brings me to November 2009, I met a girl i'd fancied for ages who had recently split with her ex, it was by chance we met and I instantly felt a spark. We talked everyday for ages, feelings getting stronger for each other the more we talked. We had a mass introduction before christmas- me, her and my kids jumped on the train and went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, closely followed by her parents, her sister, her brother and her brothers girlfriend. We had an amazing time, we all felt comfortable round each other and I felt on top of the world. The period up until christmas was great in the sense of getting to know each other, these strong feelings were still there and things just felt amazing. We got together on christmas day which really made my christmas, I spent a few hours at hers with her family while on the skive from work and we continued to see other when we could in the time up until this last week. She does exercise classes through the week alongside working and seeing her friends, I accepted this and told her it was fine and that I was happy to grab time with her when I could. I found this hard as she became alot to me but I grinned and bared it. This is where it gets interesting as I bring us to Sunday 10th Jan. She visited me as usual, we had an amazing time and she stayed over with me. Mondays are busy for me as I sort out the lads paperwork so it means alot of running round. She had the day off so I told her to chill out if she wanted to but she decided to go home and get on with some stuff. I never planned to see her that day but agreed to message each other and to meet up when we were both next available. Gradually over the course of the week, things didnt add up with me, texts were few and far between, and those that I did recieve seemed blunt to say the least. On Tuesday she messaged me saying that she had something she wanted to discuss, me being me wanted to know asap so I got her to spill the beans and she mentioned that she was planning on going travelling around the world. Instantly I felt a sense of worry, wondering how I was going to cope with not seeing her even though not only had we only been together weeks but her trip was a long way off yet. As you can see the pattern forming here, I tried to not let it bug me but couldnt help it, slowly it was eating up me inside. Even though I knew that it was months away and that it may not happen anyway, I couldnt control this sense of worry and being alone and it caused me to lose massive amounts of sleep, uncontrolled crying, and it got me thinking about what was making me be this way to such a serious degree. We continued to speak through the course of the week, she told me on Thursday that she missed me and wanted to see me on ther Friday night which I made plans for. My Friday started as I previously mentioned in this post, I kept messaging her telling her what I was going through and how I was feeling but all I got back was 'ok' and continued blunt replies. She eventually told me later in the day that she couldnt make it due to her brother letting her down, I felt gutted as I hadnt seen her face to face since Monday. Needless to say I got the strop with myself which reignited my already built up anger and I just could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body. I help myself together just, in the meantime I was still contacting people so I knew I truly felt that people were helping me through these feelngs. I finally left work and headed back, all I could think about was seeing my kids and gaining comfort with them. I nearly broke down into tears when I saw them, just seeing their carefree faces made me well up and I think that their mum could see this too. I felt at ease around them, although I was still edgy it felt good to be around people and I began to feel semi-normal again....at this point my emotions were beginning to flow and I could feel myself welling up yet again- also with this came an horrible sick feeling in the back of my throat. I made it through the next few hours with no main problems, mainly chilled out and spent time with my kids. Once I left I went to meet a friend of mine as he was worried from what I had written on Facebook and wanted to see me. I felt good talking about it, it was a overwhelming sense of relief when I explained how I felt and what my mind was doing to me. We chatted till 1.30am and I went home to a single bed where I lay thinking. I kept going over and over what had happened trying to find something that had made me spark off like that but came to no answer as I couldnt really think straight to be honest. I finally got to sleep around 5am and woke again at 9.

Almost as soon as I awoke, my phone stated going mental. My mum was trying to ring me and I didnt feel like I wanted to speak to anyone by this point but she persevered and I finally answered. She started to tell me how my nan had died last night and to be a bit wary around my dad. We never saw eye to eye with my nan over a dispute years ago but hearing that she was dead was a bit of an eyeopener for me- I hadnt seen her in about 6years but was planning to make an effort and see her this year as I figured she wouldnt be around longer. Last time I see her was when my son was less than a year old...she was frail enough then, struggling to walk unaided. My sons 7 now. I put on another brave face tried to hold it together for the sake oflosing my sanity and managed to control my emotions by keeping myself busy. An hour or later I decided to get in the shower, I did so and felt comfortable being in there relaxing. I got out and was partway through drying myself when my phone went. Jusdging by the tone it was a BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) message and that could only be my girlfriend. My heart sunk as she told me she didnt want to be with me any longer, she had issues in her head that she wanted to deal with and she wouldnt want me to be part of that as it was something she had to do alone. From this I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I felt the need to punish myself, Ididnt mind you as I had my kids with me and that wouldnt have been right. I immediatly called up my ex wife/kids mum to talk to her and she invited me round....we sat talking and I felt happy that I was sharing my unhappiness but more to the point I felt better being around someone. From here I had sort of calmed down abit and spent most of the weekend around someone whether it be my children or friends and family.

I felt as though I was getting back to normal until one thought hit me like a sledgehammer- going back to work and being alone. This instantly bought on a state of panic, I wondered how I was going to cope being alone. Id been comfortable around people all weekend and now I was to be put to the ultimate test of sitting by myself for an evening with nothing real to do apart from think. I dropped my kids home, bathed them and kissed them goodnight and then started the journey back to work. While in the car, I couldnt bear to have the music on and I drove in silence. The wave of panic rushed through me and I felt nervousabout turning up on site. When I did, I felt as though there was something holding me from getting out the car. I braved it and made it inside where I am now, ive been pacing up and down unable to sit still, my heart is racing, im trembling, and feel a genuine sense of uneasyness.

This brings me to where I am now, unable to think straight and unable to relax in this environment.

The only real thing i'm looking forward to is my doctors appointment in the morning but am seriously contemplating driving to the hospital now for help.

Thanks for reading,
Paul