wow thats and epic length post!

First of all stay safe! if your seriously thinking of hurting yourself then A+E asap! you might need time off work as in your frame of mind are you honestly safe to be recovering people on busy motorways? Last thing you want to do is crush yourself or step into the road because your minds elsewhere.

Most people have covered everything! Be very honest with doc, including self harm and suicidal thoughts etc.

Just remember it may take a while to stabilise things. It sounds like youve "cracked" with your outbursts etc so expect things to be a bit fucked up the next few days as you settle down. You will be totally exhausted too so allow plenty of time for sleep. also your safe in your bed.

Anxiety and mental illness go together. key is not to let the anxiety take over. anxiety and panic can be hell and take over your life with fear and worry and you dont want that. Try to control the anxiety now if you can.

Lonelyness is hard to deal with as usually it suddenly dawns on you how lonely you are and how empty everything feels and that feeling is fucking shit. Its not just about having a partner or mates etc, you can still feel alone despite all that. being around people doesnt usually get rid of it. sure it helps but you need to fill the emptyness inside yourself. That needs you to build your self esteem and confidence. sure in the meantime you can fill time with your kids etc but even then thats not who you are. find and accept who you are and things get a bit easier. you dont need a woman to complete your life, you want a woman to share and expand your life.

Keep writing stuff down as it helps vent frustrations and also means you can look back.