Very funny thread.....
Very funny thread.....
I got sent this link by a friend......
basically about people who have shat themselves in public!!
I have only read the first page and its that funny that I too have now shat myself!!!
http://forums.cpfc.org/showthread.php?threadid=174863
basically about people who have shat themselves in public!!
I have only read the first page and its that funny that I too have now shat myself!!!
http://forums.cpfc.org/showthread.php?threadid=174863
DEYTUKURJERBS
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 29,378
Likes: 1
From: North Korea
ive had to poo in the countryside twice and wipe with socks and stuff, but never actually shat in public 
VERY close once tho, i mean mentally close, and had to go crap in an unlit disgusting crack den of a public lav about 2am to stop that. made it jus in time...
VERY close once tho, i mean mentally close, and had to go crap in an unlit disgusting crack den of a public lav about 2am to stop that. made it jus in time...
I had to do i shit in the woods about a month ago and wiped with a few pages from autotrader! 
mate at work shat himself earlier this year, and i gave him a can of brake and cluth cleaner to clean himself upwith, fpmsl.
when i was in the army, i did a shit in someones mess tin and put it back in their beltkit,
mate at work shat himself earlier this year, and i gave him a can of brake and cluth cleaner to clean himself upwith, fpmsl.
when i was in the army, i did a shit in someones mess tin and put it back in their beltkit,
15K+ Super Poster!!
Joined: Oct 2003
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From: All over the friggin place!!!
Sitting in a 4 hour trafic jam on the M4, outside lane not moved for 1 hour, put a paper on the seat, lifted my self up and let it go, sat in the smell for 2 hours driving home, walked in the door got a carrier bag went to bathroom put the offending clothes in to the bag had a shower then throw the clothes in the bin, No body has ever heard that before, but then again no one has ever asked.
Another glorious quote:
Such delight it was to enter a somewhat primitive, but complete with long desired shower, bathroom. I immediately disrobed and only then did I discover the state of my trousers. On the back off them, covering the entire backside, was a truly disgusting, opaque brown grease patch.
The cream mixed with sweat, dust and an imperfectly cleaned anus had over two days of sitting permeated my boxers and added a whole new disgusting dimension to my trousers - I had never realised a thing.
Jesus, what theose poor polite Indian fellow passengers must have thought of me. Not one made mention.
Such delight it was to enter a somewhat primitive, but complete with long desired shower, bathroom. I immediately disrobed and only then did I discover the state of my trousers. On the back off them, covering the entire backside, was a truly disgusting, opaque brown grease patch.
The cream mixed with sweat, dust and an imperfectly cleaned anus had over two days of sitting permeated my boxers and added a whole new disgusting dimension to my trousers - I had never realised a thing.
Jesus, what theose poor polite Indian fellow passengers must have thought of me. Not one made mention.
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PassionFord Post Whore!!
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 7,617
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From: Not near you
not a quote but for real:
I was due to fly out to Milan with a guy from work and our Boss, we got to Stanstead Airport and i was trailing my boss, as he was,tryed to always lead the way,but i notice a brown patch in the crease of his trouser ass may be 3"long x 1" across,it looked like a tree had been cut and the rings were showing, a decreasing watered down chocolate stain maybe.
Any way when i noticed this i started to giggle which turned in to a laugh, which turned in to hysterics at this point i couldnt walk and was on my knees almost, my mate asked what the hell was wrong as every one in the airport was looking, to which i could only point as i couldnt speak, when he saw what i was pointing at, his laugh was OMG fookin loud, so loud now people are laughing at us and pointing.
Our boss just couldnt understand to what we laughing at and was getting frustrated as well as angry, im now crying and both me an me mate are almost on out knees, we managed between us to tell the boss what we laughing at, OMG his face.....Priceless, he run to toilets to get changed,but we carried on laughing ...........as you do.
I was due to fly out to Milan with a guy from work and our Boss, we got to Stanstead Airport and i was trailing my boss, as he was,tryed to always lead the way,but i notice a brown patch in the crease of his trouser ass may be 3"long x 1" across,it looked like a tree had been cut and the rings were showing, a decreasing watered down chocolate stain maybe.
Any way when i noticed this i started to giggle which turned in to a laugh, which turned in to hysterics at this point i couldnt walk and was on my knees almost, my mate asked what the hell was wrong as every one in the airport was looking, to which i could only point as i couldnt speak, when he saw what i was pointing at, his laugh was OMG fookin loud, so loud now people are laughing at us and pointing.
Our boss just couldnt understand to what we laughing at and was getting frustrated as well as angry, im now crying and both me an me mate are almost on out knees, we managed between us to tell the boss what we laughing at, OMG his face.....Priceless, he run to toilets to get changed,but we carried on laughing ...........as you do.
Last edited by st3v3; Sep 12, 2008 at 11:46 PM.
Ban[B][/B]ned
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From: The Pool.
I remember I was desperate for a poo when riding my bike so I had a poo in the bush and their was nothing to wipe my arse on so I pulled my pants up and I tried to ride to the nearest pub. When I got their I was surprised I could smell nothing until I had to go up a ramp and back on myself so I got a waft of the smell... I nearly conked out.
My friend, Gary off here couldn't stop laughing and I was in the toilet cleaning my arse jeans and so on for ages. Eventually I threw my undies over the cubicle into the next one and someone was screaming which I could see why as they were full of shit.
Thank god he was mid shit or I think he would of smacked me one, I was lucky.
Benni.
My friend, Gary off here couldn't stop laughing and I was in the toilet cleaning my arse jeans and so on for ages. Eventually I threw my undies over the cubicle into the next one and someone was screaming which I could see why as they were full of shit.
Thank god he was mid shit or I think he would of smacked me one, I was lucky.
Benni.
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From: The Pool.
On another occasion I went to visit Gary at University and I shat all over the toilet floor right next to the toilet and some poor fucker stood in it and was telling Gary how it was like a Great Dane had shit and he stood in it. I am crying laughing at the thought.
Ironically. the same day I shat in the overflow tank and cocked it up and was half way home before I realized I had shit all down my shoulder. I had to finish my journey home with no upper clothes on.
I went to visit an elderly relative where I shat in her portable potty, you know the things that you have in your room with a bowl in when your old, can't think of the name. However, their was no bowl in it.
I've shat in so many places, hence why I am known as Benni Turd.
B. turd.
Ironically. the same day I shat in the overflow tank and cocked it up and was half way home before I realized I had shit all down my shoulder. I had to finish my journey home with no upper clothes on.
I went to visit an elderly relative where I shat in her portable potty, you know the things that you have in your room with a bowl in when your old, can't think of the name. However, their was no bowl in it.
I've shat in so many places, hence why I am known as Benni Turd.
B. turd.
ELASTIC BAND
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14,219
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From: rainham, essex
allong the lines, on a stag do , came back to my room to find my mate with his trousers round his ankels squating over the bath with his head in the toilet.
turns out he neded a crap but wanted to chuck his guts up at the same time and hed got it the wrong way round.
i mean sick should wash down a plug hole, but a turn aint going no where!
needless to say when i woke in the morning, there was nothing in the bath but my mate was asleep on the flor, trousers round ankles
turns out he neded a crap but wanted to chuck his guts up at the same time and hed got it the wrong way round.
i mean sick should wash down a plug hole, but a turn aint going no where!
needless to say when i woke in the morning, there was nothing in the bath but my mate was asleep on the flor, trousers round ankles
I've found that life I needed.. It's HERE!!
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From: Theres no action if you have traction ;)
My mate was out in his tractor and needed a plop so he goes behind a hedge, pulls his overalls down and lets rip. Wipes with a scrap of paper and pulls overalls back up. He then looks to examine his big poo only to find nothing there!
Yes thats right, he'd actually poo'd into his overalls and then pulled them up and spread his turd up his back. What a muppet. Seriously funny when he told us in the pub.
Yes thats right, he'd actually poo'd into his overalls and then pulled them up and spread his turd up his back. What a muppet. Seriously funny when he told us in the pub.
Oderint dum metuant
Joined: Mar 2005
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From: You cant have pie without coolWhip
Went on a stag do last year to Spain with a bunch of lads.....
Got in around 7ish on the 3rd day totally destroyed and just fell in to my room in the apartment complex. When i eventually woke up I was desperate for the bog, so I went stumbling in there to be greeted by the sight of a thick brown line at arse height. It went all along the right hand wall, down the cistern and in to the bog.
Turns out that one of the lads was near to bursting, had fired his trou down and let rip as he was turning round. The smell was horrific!
Got in around 7ish on the 3rd day totally destroyed and just fell in to my room in the apartment complex. When i eventually woke up I was desperate for the bog, so I went stumbling in there to be greeted by the sight of a thick brown line at arse height. It went all along the right hand wall, down the cistern and in to the bog.
Turns out that one of the lads was near to bursting, had fired his trou down and let rip as he was turning round. The smell was horrific!
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 5,489
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From: Deep in the underground
I was in Oxford city centre once, and suddenly got very bad stomach ache, I knew I had to find a toilet ASAP!
Eventually found a public one and ran in, there was only 1 cubical which was thankfully empty.
I dropped my trousers ready for relief and then lifted the lid, only to be greeted with what can only be decribed as a thick runny dark brown soup nearly level with the top of the bowl
I was that close to not being able to hold it back, I had to go for it anyway, so hovered above the bog and let rip a massive load of diahrea. At the same time I was praying there wasnt going to be enough to make it overflow over the edge of the bowl!
The smell was fucking unreal, with the mixture of what was already in there, it must of been blocked for ages
The relief afterwards was worth every second of sheer hell though!
Eventually found a public one and ran in, there was only 1 cubical which was thankfully empty.
I dropped my trousers ready for relief and then lifted the lid, only to be greeted with what can only be decribed as a thick runny dark brown soup nearly level with the top of the bowl
I was that close to not being able to hold it back, I had to go for it anyway, so hovered above the bog and let rip a massive load of diahrea. At the same time I was praying there wasnt going to be enough to make it overflow over the edge of the bowl!
The smell was fucking unreal, with the mixture of what was already in there, it must of been blocked for ages
The relief afterwards was worth every second of sheer hell though!
PassionFord Post Whore!!
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From: Deep in the underground
Just remembered another good one, when I was very young in the scouts my mate (yes, it WAS my mate, not me before anyone says it lol ) shit himself half way round a 15 mile sponsored walk!
I dread to think what the mess was like after having to walk for about 8 miles with it rubbing around in his shorts. He did admit it to us afterwards, but we knew anyway
) shit himself half way round a 15 mile sponsored walk!I dread to think what the mess was like after having to walk for about 8 miles with it rubbing around in his shorts. He did admit it to us afterwards, but we knew anyway
PassionFord Post Whore!!
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From: fife,scotland
when i moved out years ago i moved into a flat ,there was a guy in the flat above me,few months went by and never talked to him then met him in the pub.
had a shiner but i never mentioned it for a half hour till we had a beer or two.
me"how did you get the shiner?"
him"oh my mate has started going out with this total bitch,i had only just met her and she was being a real wise cracking cow!my other mates were there with their birds who think she is sound,well i went off to the toilet and managed to sneak her handbag away with me and promtly put a log in it with peanuts n sweetcorn hanging out it!! sneaked it back next to her and waited for her to go to the bar which she did and i'll let you use you're imagination as to her reaction!"
me"so she belted you"
him"no all my mates didnt see the funny side and beat the shit out of me!"
i thought it was a classic move myself
had a shiner but i never mentioned it for a half hour till we had a beer or two.
me"how did you get the shiner?"
him"oh my mate has started going out with this total bitch,i had only just met her and she was being a real wise cracking cow!my other mates were there with their birds who think she is sound,well i went off to the toilet and managed to sneak her handbag away with me and promtly put a log in it with peanuts n sweetcorn hanging out it!! sneaked it back next to her and waited for her to go to the bar which she did and i'll let you use you're imagination as to her reaction!"
me"so she belted you"
him"no all my mates didnt see the funny side and beat the shit out of me!"
i thought it was a classic move myself
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pmsl
If you are young, like a smoke and don’t have an alarm clock rural Pakistan is a hard country to get around. We were traveling from Gilgit to the Hunza valley and from there up the Karakoram highway over the mountains and into western China. The trouble was the bus always left at the crack of dawn and we were for ever over sleeping.
Anyway on this particular occasion, having missed the bus for the second day running, some locals we had met the night before offered us a lift. We gratefully accepted.
Halfway through what was a stunning journey we stopped at a shack, from the roof of which hung various cuts of mutton, and of course the ubiquitous local fly nation.
Our host and driver stepped out of the car and swiftly negotiated the purchase of his favored aforementioned cut. Off we sped.
Upon arriving in the valley our ever hospitable lift giver refused all offers of payment and insisted we join him later for food. It would have been churlish to refuse and besides which he was good company. Thus that night we found ourselves eating a delicious mutton stew and chatting late into the night.
The next morning, whilst my girlfriend was as right as rain, I, unsurprisingly, had the most noxious and foul smelling diarrhea imaginable. Well, as they say, shit happens.
Normally in these circumstances I just make sure I am hydrated and rest up a few days until the passing has passed. Trouble was the clock on our Chinese visas had started ticking, not from entry to the country but from date of issue, and as we had already spaced out too many days post visiting the embassy in Islamabad we didn’t wish to hang around.
I had no alternative therefore but to break out the lomotil. (Lomotil is basically the active ingredient in all those anti-diarrhea tablets available over the counter in the west, but cost about ˝ p a tablet in the subcontinent) The thing with Lomotil is, while it stops you from shitting yourself, it doesn’t cure the actual infection. It is a bit like putting a cork in the barrel, it stops the leaks but not the fermentation process or production of gas, if you get my drift.
Anyway a few days later, having successfully negotiated several glaciers breaking across the road, the mountains, and both the Pakistani and Chinese customs, we found ourselves on a bus in the far west of China’s westernmost province, Xingang.
The province, bar the odd Han immigrant city, is basically Muslim central Asian and not Han Chinese. The indigenous population is a mix of Yughurs, Kazaks and other minorities. In reality it is a colony where the locals are shat upon from a great Chinese height, think Tibet but without the temples, costumes or western sympathy.
So there we were on the bus in the middle of nowhere, stopping every now and then to pick up a local in furs, when my belly begins to rumble, really rumble. I look around. We are on the back seats and in front of us are a motley collection of locals who probably have never seen a bath in their lives and a smattering of Pakistanis who are in general tolerant of common stomach complaints. I feel therefore that it is probably safe to let rip, so I do.
It starts slowly but keeps on coming, and coming, and coming. It seemed like an entire underground gas reservoir was escaping, cunning only in its silence. I swear it must have lasted a full sixty seconds and was god knows how many cubic litres in size.
Then the smell kicked in, oh my god what had I done. With in ten seconds the people in front of us opened their window, then the people in front of them opened theirs and the people in front of them then followed suit and so it continued. As my fart inexorably expanded up the bus, so people opened their windows in a seemingly desperate pursuit of breathable air. In the end even those right at the front of the bus had opened their windows.
It was only then that I realized I had achieved something I was never ever likely to repeat, my greatest ever fart
If you are young, like a smoke and don’t have an alarm clock rural Pakistan is a hard country to get around. We were traveling from Gilgit to the Hunza valley and from there up the Karakoram highway over the mountains and into western China. The trouble was the bus always left at the crack of dawn and we were for ever over sleeping.
Anyway on this particular occasion, having missed the bus for the second day running, some locals we had met the night before offered us a lift. We gratefully accepted.
Halfway through what was a stunning journey we stopped at a shack, from the roof of which hung various cuts of mutton, and of course the ubiquitous local fly nation.
Our host and driver stepped out of the car and swiftly negotiated the purchase of his favored aforementioned cut. Off we sped.
Upon arriving in the valley our ever hospitable lift giver refused all offers of payment and insisted we join him later for food. It would have been churlish to refuse and besides which he was good company. Thus that night we found ourselves eating a delicious mutton stew and chatting late into the night.
The next morning, whilst my girlfriend was as right as rain, I, unsurprisingly, had the most noxious and foul smelling diarrhea imaginable. Well, as they say, shit happens.
Normally in these circumstances I just make sure I am hydrated and rest up a few days until the passing has passed. Trouble was the clock on our Chinese visas had started ticking, not from entry to the country but from date of issue, and as we had already spaced out too many days post visiting the embassy in Islamabad we didn’t wish to hang around.
I had no alternative therefore but to break out the lomotil. (Lomotil is basically the active ingredient in all those anti-diarrhea tablets available over the counter in the west, but cost about ˝ p a tablet in the subcontinent) The thing with Lomotil is, while it stops you from shitting yourself, it doesn’t cure the actual infection. It is a bit like putting a cork in the barrel, it stops the leaks but not the fermentation process or production of gas, if you get my drift.
Anyway a few days later, having successfully negotiated several glaciers breaking across the road, the mountains, and both the Pakistani and Chinese customs, we found ourselves on a bus in the far west of China’s westernmost province, Xingang.
The province, bar the odd Han immigrant city, is basically Muslim central Asian and not Han Chinese. The indigenous population is a mix of Yughurs, Kazaks and other minorities. In reality it is a colony where the locals are shat upon from a great Chinese height, think Tibet but without the temples, costumes or western sympathy.
So there we were on the bus in the middle of nowhere, stopping every now and then to pick up a local in furs, when my belly begins to rumble, really rumble. I look around. We are on the back seats and in front of us are a motley collection of locals who probably have never seen a bath in their lives and a smattering of Pakistanis who are in general tolerant of common stomach complaints. I feel therefore that it is probably safe to let rip, so I do.
It starts slowly but keeps on coming, and coming, and coming. It seemed like an entire underground gas reservoir was escaping, cunning only in its silence. I swear it must have lasted a full sixty seconds and was god knows how many cubic litres in size.
Then the smell kicked in, oh my god what had I done. With in ten seconds the people in front of us opened their window, then the people in front of them opened theirs and the people in front of them then followed suit and so it continued. As my fart inexorably expanded up the bus, so people opened their windows in a seemingly desperate pursuit of breathable air. In the end even those right at the front of the bus had opened their windows.
It was only then that I realized I had achieved something I was never ever likely to repeat, my greatest ever fart
PassionFord Post Whore!!
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From: stockton on tees
well I did it in the works canteen, let a small one out only to feel a "bubble" and to my horror I guessed what had happened, all my workmates around me new nothing , I took my jacket off and when I stood up to leave tied the arms round me waist to hide the stain in my trousers, when I stood up to my horror there was a long brown streak on the vinyl seat base!!!
tucked the seat back in and got the hell out of there!!
steve
tucked the seat back in and got the hell out of there!!
steve
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From: Brierley Hill
This is my story 
I was working at the NEC at the time, had a curry the night before, and really needed the loo.
I was working in the dressing rooms of the bands that play at NEC Arena.
Anyway, had a good 10 minutes on the bog, as you do, all done, and realise there is no toilet roll
The toilet areas in the dressing rooms are like a small bathroom with a lockable door and also a cubicle (also lockable).
Luckily I locked both and basically the hand towels that come in a roll to dry ur hands on (the ones u keep pulling and they go back in) I had to wet the towel roll, stand on a chair, and wipe my ass LOL
When I was done, I simply pulled it back round a few tugs.
Everybodys happy
I was working at the NEC at the time, had a curry the night before, and really needed the loo.
I was working in the dressing rooms of the bands that play at NEC Arena.
Anyway, had a good 10 minutes on the bog, as you do, all done, and realise there is no toilet roll
The toilet areas in the dressing rooms are like a small bathroom with a lockable door and also a cubicle (also lockable).
Luckily I locked both and basically the hand towels that come in a roll to dry ur hands on (the ones u keep pulling and they go back in) I had to wet the towel roll, stand on a chair, and wipe my ass LOL
When I was done, I simply pulled it back round a few tugs.
Everybodys happy
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From: The Pool.
My mate was out in his tractor and needed a plop so he goes behind a hedge, pulls his overalls down and lets rip. Wipes with a scrap of paper and pulls overalls back up. He then looks to examine his big poo only to find nothing there!
Yes thats right, he'd actually poo'd into his overalls and then pulled them up and spread his turd up his back. What a muppet. Seriously funny when he told us in the pub.
Yes thats right, he'd actually poo'd into his overalls and then pulled them up and spread his turd up his back. What a muppet. Seriously funny when he told us in the pub.
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