Right, I'm usually not one to post personal issues or problems up on a facelss BB, but fuck it - can't talk to family about it, so I'll talk to you....

There's a long story behind all this, but I'll spare the details and give you the short version.

Some years ago, my father decided that life with his family wasn't good enough for him, and not what he wanted. He betrayed us all, through both actions and words, and I found out my father was a liar, who then abandoned his family, and left.

Sicne then we have not had much contact. In recent years, he has tried to bridge this growing gap, but I am a firm beliver in standing by what you say and do. My take on it is that once a door is closed, it remains shut - cannot be reopened. His calls and messages to me go unanswered, and I make efforts to not have to see or speak to him.

Of course, tho, it is that time of year again. As usual he came round again yesterday to see my sisters and brother, and I remained invisible and didn't see him.

But with xmas being on Monday, and today being my birthday, I have now got the two obligatory cards, which both (more than likely, as I haven't actually touched them yet) contain cash/cheques.....

And this is the dilemma. What do I do with them.

On the one hand, I feel his betrayal to us/me demands that he owes me, and I keep whatever is inside them, and lord knows I could use the money!

On the other hand tho, by keeping it, it means I have accepted it as a gift - which I do not want...

So I have two choices. Keep it, and make the money, which in my eyes is tainted, good, or send it back.

I am not a vindictive person, really I am not. I do not set out to intentionally hurt people or cause pain, but I realise that by sending whatever he has given me back, that I will most likey cause pain.

But at the same time, this can't go on, and something needs to be done to put an end to it, to seal the closure of this relationship....

What would you do?

 

You only get 1 Mum and Dad......................

I used to be in a similar situation with my mother....... But since my Father died of Cancer 4 years ago i have made a bridge with her and tried to get on.

Everyone has there reasons for things but at the end of the day, Your Mum is Your Mum and your Dad is your Dad............ You only get the 2....and when 1 goes you need the other a little more

 

If you really dont want anything to do with him, id send em back as they are.

Maybe with a note, literally a few words. "I cant accept them. Sorry" or whatnot, just so he knows your not being a cunt, but you have you reasons, which he knows.

 

..accept them and donate to charity and write this to him.

 

i didnt speak to my dad for about 4 years due to him lying and breaking up family,

i then thought what would i do if something happened to him?
i started speaking to him and still do dont get me wrong its not a good relaionship he has his new family and he's a different person to who i knew but glad in a way i speak to him..

if your not going to every talk to him again i would maybe send cards back and a letter telling him how you feel, by keeping the money you are probaly giving him hope that you will speak to him again,

 

thats a difficult one mate, coz no matter how much he betrayed you in the past, u dont wana appear ungrateful which u feel would be lowering your standards. Maybe a text or a card to him with just a small note sayin thanks for the cards/money and that he really shouldnt have. keep it friendly, short and sweet. Only problem is if u do tx him or make that contact, he may then be feeling he has won u over and thats something u maybe dont want to ever happen coz of the past

best of luck mate, but as said, its a difficult one

 

Tiff took the words out my mouth


You only got one mum and dad

Kiss and make up mate, Sounds like your brother and sisters have???


Why cant you.. HE may have been wrong, but when he goes for good you'll regret it

Trust me

 

now just because there may be money in there you are now thinking of changing your mind on the idea of talking to your father again.

rather shit tbh.

i would let by gones be by gones in the first place if it were me,lifes too short to mess about with, he is your father after all.

imagine how he is feeling.

imo, make it up to him without accepting the money.

hope you get on ok afterwards too.

 

to be totally honest life is too short to hold a grudge against anyone .. i never really got on briliantly with my dad .. but would give up everything to have him back ...
if you haven't done so already might be worth actually sitting down with him to hear his side of the story...
time affects peoples .. if you really feel you no longer want any contact why do you worry if you cause the pain of sending it back?

 

I dont have any dealings with my mother or father, which is my personal choice and one i am happy with,

just rip the cards up and keep the money,

 

This is what I would do, but I'm a stubborn fucker and my principles are what I stand by, but

Rad is right

 

Gra

just rip the cards up and keep the money,

thats bad that imo.

 

As said above you only get one mum-dad. Why dont you arrange to meet up with him,why your there give the money back and explain why you cant except it!!! And also try to sort things out between you by telling him how you feel. Dont use him for the money ,you cant buy people!! Im 28 now and ive not seen my mum since i was 23 ,i did try to sort things out back then but we dont get on atall so im better off without her in my life!!


Maybe its time for you too open the door mate (we all make mistakes)

 

no really meant in abad way, but something as meaninless as a card with money would not be enuff to make me change my opinon or mind over something i felt stronly about, if he needs the money keep it,

 

he has been trying to get in touch so its not as if he has just sent a card with money in it and thats it.

imo, accepting the card and money is accepting him back,but i personally would not accept the money no matter how skint i was,thats like paying you to take him back which is wrong imo.

 

if you know his address and you dont want owt to do with him send them back with not known at this addy please leave alone plastered all over them.The cheques are just an insult to you and a way to make him feel better for the betrayal that he did to you and your family imo

 

put yourself in your dads shoes and think how he is feeling , its probably best to sit down and explain to him how you feel and what your resons are then take it from there , my dad walked out on us when i was 6 but i still wonder what he is doing and if he is ok after 20 years of no contact , i still dont know his reasons for leaving and my mum wont talk about it , you will only regret not asking why in years to come

 

I think you've put your finger on the problem.....You feel Betrayed & Abandoned = Not nice feelings.

If you think removing the person that caused the above feelings(Your Dad) from your life, will remove the "nasty feelings" associated with him. Then not seing or talking to your dad might work.

However if the above doesnt appear logical then maybe its worth while working towards changing the way you feel.
Aim to seal and put closure on the YUK feelings, rather than your relationship with your Dad.

Good luck

*edited* The cash as I see it is a side issue, not really important either way.

 

dave cos4x4 has the best advice in my opinion. Don't accept the cash but try and patch things up. Just accepting the cash is wrong if you have no intention of building bridges.

 

Thrush

How old were you when your dad 'abandoned' your family?

 

You only get one mum and dad, and although they can sometimes annoy you , I never not spoke to mine.
My dad passed away this year and I am glad I always spoke to him even if it was about nothing important, just to speak.
But my dad was always there for me!!!!!!

 

i have just made contact last month with my dad after 33 years,he traced me a couple of years ago,at first i said fcuk off, like you have,but have mellowed since ive had my own kids.his story doesnt quite match what my mum told us and he doesnt seam to be the bastard she made him out to be and have decided lifes to short to hold grudges.im spending next christmas and new year at his house in australia where ill meet him for the first time since i was 3. id say speak to your dad thrush and see how it goes from there,what harm can it do?

 

Not knowing how long ago, what he did, and if you TRUELY have the facts - not just the one side of the story - this is a difficult one.

How old are the other family members that have begun to make contact? What makes them so different from you?

On the details you have given, I'd be going with the below:

 

sounds like your dad really wants to try make amends, phonecalls, cards etc,


why dont you sit down with him listen to what he has to say then tell him how your feeling go from there,
if you didnt have any feelings you wouldnt off posted about it

 

If you can live with never seeing your Dad again then send them back. You may only get this one last chance to put things right.

 

This is a really difficult for anyone answer but yourself

I too haven't seen my Father since I was 3 or 4 years old and I have no desire to. My Mum re-married and my stepdad is my Dad and Father to me, always has been and always will.

It sounds like your Dad might have realised that he made a mistake, we're all capable of making them. If you feel that there is a chance of patching things up now might be a good opportunity to start the ball rolling.

I would open the cards if you feel that way and see what he's written inside and not what (or how much) he's put in there. Whether you then accept that is down to you.

If there is no hope for patching things up I think I'd return them unopened with a note explaining how you feel, this might also make him realise how he's hurt you.

Sorry I don't have the definitive answer but it's just some suggestions.

 

thrush first of all give the cash back either way,,,, you dont need it so dont take it as it makes you a bad person imo,,,,, or just a person with no morals and loves money,,,,,, i fucking hate money tbh

you need to talk to him as feeling bitter dont seem to have helped you mate,,,,, listen to his shite/ is storey /his reasons/his regrets/ whatever hes got to say
THEN think about it without him contacting you as its eassy to get lost in the moment

i dont get along woth my family at all as other members of my family cant accept i was a shite who could not be bullied and held grudges longer than they could belive,,,, when ever i done wrong my family LOVED when i got caught and also they always said to my parents im a discrace for taking drugs and doing other bad stuff and ill never get by in life,,, the judge me on everything and belive there choices are good and mine are always wrong YET they have never been in these situations

my parents too scared to answer back,,,, or maybe they belive them just add fuel to the fire by reporting all the bad things

when they heard about the fact ive got more equity in my home than all of my 3 cousins put together and its the second home ive bought after fucking up and loosing the other one and not taking there advice what i should have done AGAIN the honestly hate it sooo much that they WONT talk about it,,,, never been congratulated for being lucky


infact they slag me off and say all i done was get with a girl whos daddy carried me,,,, when all he done was sell us a house we could afford when my parents threw me out under my uncles/aunts recomendation so i could be a man and suport my child,,,,,,

now cause of all this shit stiring when i try to get along with my family i then see how they get twisted by others and we do nothing but row SO i choose to keep my distance,,,,, and tbh I prefer it,,,,, i talk to them,,,,, i NEVER call them as i look at them as my little girls grandparents,,,, i dont count them as parents,,,, i pretend to others we get along OK but HONESTLY the things ive done for my old man and NEVER got appriciated for

I EVEN GOT STABBED cause of my old man when he went to row with a gang of kids due to him being depressed his best mate died,,,,, i could see how it was gonna go so i stepped in and took the presure off him and i got 3 stiches in my back cause of it,,,,,,,, he never even said sorry for putting me in that situation let alone stopped him getting hurt worse


i know its another long arse reply im doing but its to give you a idea that even if you do hold a grudge you would feel better inside knowing YOU are the bigger person and you wont be tied inside with emotions,,,,, you will be incontrol of what happens and he will have to accept your desision


i HATE going to the misus family things cause i havent got a family who when they invite me actually want ME to go,,,, they invite me for my little girl

thats not a nice thing to have mate,,,,, it really hurts at times and its prib why i act such a fool in life i guess and try to hard for people to accept me perhaps,,,,, i dont know


what i DO know is i have tired LOTS of times to be accepted and get along with myh family and i discovered that its THEM who dont actually like me,,,,


its time to show your a real man mate and dont worry if you cry ect,,,,, its fucked up i know but just talk to him and understand how YOU will actually feel about it


NEVER take money off him for the first 2 years either mate,,,,,,, money gets in the way of people in life and its a bitch !

AGAIN SORRY FOR A LONG REPLY BUT PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ SOME IF POSS AND MAYBE IT COULD HELP YOU

 

sorry mate but thats a unfair answer to say to him,,,, you dont know the situation and the reason why he feels like this

thats very harsh and also very much of a mind fuck answer too,,,,, i had things said to me by all my mates who parents LOVE them like parents should rather than call up when your at work just to shout abuse at you as the person whos anoying them has walked out and so they chosse to fuck your day up to make there selfish lives feel better

not a dig just feel its a little offish to say

 

I'd probably want to meet up, talk to him, to give him the cards back personally...see if he's really the bastard you think he is.

It'll give you closure at least, it'll mean he knows that cards in the future won't be welcome, so you wouldn't have this problem again. It'll also mean that when he dies you'll never think ''what if'' as you gave it that chance. Lots of people get guilty when family they don't know die, even though it isn't their fault they didn't get on...needless guilt must be an awful thing to live with.

By what you've written giving yourself an hour together to just talk might fill in some gaps and make how you feel make sense so that you can put those feelings behind you and get on with your life, with or without him in it.

I couldn't accept cash from somebody I didn't like/respect...but as others have said...it's really neither here nor there in this situation..its the idea he's held out an olive branch really..and would you like to accept it, or ignore it.

 

if he has betrayed you then FUCK HIM

my dad betrayed my family about 5 years ago he made his choices

so in my eyes he can live with them and die a very lonely old man

no 2nd chances , he even sent my eldest son a birthday present in the

post , soon as it got here it went straight back in the post he got the

message , life is just fine without him in it for me and the rest of the family

 

I have very strong views on this subject as it is something which happened to me, and not wanting to go on a huge rant i have 2 points

1. Everyone has a biological father.
2. It takes a hell of a lot more than the above point to be a DAD

 

id print this thread and mail it to him

either with the money...

...or without

your call

 

im not perfect enough to preach or make judgements regarding what others have done as to some degree I have made poor choices at one time or another that effect other people.
What would you rather your father do, realise that he has made a mistake and do nothing about it or not be bothered about the past.

He's possibly attempting to right past wrongs and listening to this man, and expressing your feelings is not a bad thing imho and changes nothing... He's your dad when he starts acting like it, when he deserves that title and only you can decide when that is, if at all.

Presently hes a man who appears to be trying to correct his mistakes for whatever reason, is that so terrible ?... we all make mistakes in life

 

I havent spoken to my dad in, think its 8 years now. He left my mum 22 years ago I dont wont anything to do with him, but like you he sends the cards on christmas and birthdays with the cheques in...................and all i do is open them, remove the cheque and throw the card away without looking at it. Of course i pay the cheques in and spend his money, but so what, he owes me My mum always reads the cards and tells me i should send a card, but sod that, to me, he is forgotten about

 

Thanks for all the replies guys - it was a hard thing for me to actually write this thread as I am not usually one for talking about personal issues in the open...

Some points addressed....

I DO know both sides of the story and not just one side. My father made a concious descision to leave my family as it wasn't what he wanted and he chose a "better" life elsewhere.

Talking to him will not allow to decide if he really is the "bastard I think he is" - I know him inside out. This will not change matters

I do NOT want anything to do with him regardless - I don't want to see him or talk to him.

I was 19/20 when he left. My older brother is 3 years older, my sisters are 3 years and 6yrs younger than me. I do not know WHY they have accepted him back where I can't - I don't talk about it with them either.

Why do I not want to see him? Cos I am as stubborn a fucker as he is, and I also stand behind decisions I have made. If he really wanted to leave so badly, and didn't want anything to do with us, then he should have some fucking integrity and stay the fuck away. Not fuck off to suit himself THEN decide he still wants to see us kids. Bollocks - as I said, close a door, then it should remain closed.

Carfixz echoe's my sentiments exactly - he is my biolgica parent, but he is NOT my "dad".

Katie - he is already dead to me, so that bridge is already crossed. Nothing that can happen in the future will change my mind/feelings.

To those that mention "everyone makes mistakes" - sure, thats fine. But it obviously wasn't a mistake as he still doesn't want to be a member of this family...

Those saying that "if you wrote this thread you must still be unsure if you want to cut him out completely" - no, I am sure I want to cut him out, and I don't want any reconciliation. The reason for the thread is despite my strong feelings about him, I am NOT a cunt, and I do not want to maliciously hurt him by sending them back. That is not my intention. Sending them back would be my way of trying to drive home the nail that says "have you got the fucking message yet - leave me alone.

On the other side of the coin, I still feel he DOES owe me, and I want to keep the money to show that. It's not about the money per say - the item in question could be a fucking frog for all I care - it's the principal.

The above said, I don't want him to think that by accepting the "gifts" that he has won me over, as that is very much not the case. He hasn't won shit - actually he's lost, as I have his "gifts" and he still not got shit from me. But then I might feel like a cunt (not cause I feel guilty or whatever, but cos I don't like intentionall hurting anyone - whether I like them or not. I am a very moral person, but often confused )

I still don't know what to do tho.

 

It sounds like your mind is well and truely made up and none of us can help you change that.

I hope you've made the right choice for yourself.

 

No, not really made up....

I DO want to keep it and still maintain the current "no contact" status cos I belive he owes me...

But I DON'T want to keep it, as I don't want him thinking that I have "accepted" anything or that he has "won" me back or anything....

So still completely 50/50 really

 

I have one mum, one dad, and a dad i do not care for.
My grandad is the only piece of family that makes the effort and this year, i responded to him for the first time in years, and i hope the letters carry on. My mum left my dad, so it wasnt even by his choice, but he dont give a fuck with me, so im trying to get him in more shit, may sound evil but i dont care, he deserves everything he gets.


Be greatful for a father that tries to keep in contact with you please. My dad was a alcoholic, my mum left him because of it,a nd he never chased after me to get me back or even to see me, and thats the most heartbreaking thing to think your dad dont give a flying shit about you. Take advantage of what you've got.

But if he has really hurt your family that much, send it back, but for someone that been trying for so many years (from the sounds of your post) , that would be heartbreaking, is it not possible to speak to him at all?

 

At least he stayed in what was an unhappy marriage for him until you and your brother and sisters were teenagers/adults and didn't your mum when you were all youngsters.

People say and do things then regret them after giving it more thought. You have really answered your own dilemma Thrush.... you're just being a stubborn fucker and that is over-ruling any logical thinking and you are not willing to show any humility to forgive him and put things behind you.

Ermmm... what exactly does he OWE you? You were an adult when he left and able to stand on your own two feet, you didn't need him to support you, so why does he owe you anything? You claim your stubborness is stopping you and if you have morals like you claim, you should return the money and make it perfectly clear - you want no contact or gifts. Sadly, marriages do break up, so accept that and get on with your own life.

 

Take the money............ and get a haircut!