Relationships of all kinds
21-11-2009, 06:10 PM
#41
PassionFord Post Whore!!
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On paper i have in theory got people to talk to, "lots of support" etc. In reality its not like that though and i wish i could explain it to fucking shrinks, psychologists etc.
They just see that "on paper" i have support and lots going for me
It would nice to make them understand that all of that is fucking bullshit!!!
I only have a future planned out because its what society expects of "normal" people!!! I imagine it wouldnt go down well to tell someone "i dont have any future plans as I struggle to see the point when id be better off dead". Such views are not "socially acceptable".
But whats the fucking point in blindly setting yourself up for a future you dont believe you will be around for??? Its all very well saying im capable of this and that and clever enough to do that and that, and yeah i may well be but i wouldnt be doing it for me.
Exactly the same for me.
If i like someone its generally because they are a good person, and i'll take a bullet for them if needs be and go to the end of the earth if thats what it takes, doesnt matter if ive known you a day or a lifetime. Thats just what im like, kind of all or nothing.
Where as if i dont like someone then I wouldnt piss on you even if you were onfire and wouldnt feel any guilt about putting 2 in the back of your head A bit Harsh I guess.
A lot of people dont seem to get that im all or nothing like that. They dont get how i will give so much for someone i barely know. Just how i am i guess, maybe partly because of the forces mentality where you can be expected to risk everything for a mate you barely know, maybe partly because i dont value my life.
Same, if someone lets me down then thats it. They're out for good. Andmore often than not-people let me down.
And more worryingly i try but cant change it/dont know how to change it, yet the people who could in thoery help me think every things rosey and i have no way of explaining the real problems to them to make them "get it"
This is how this thread came about. There are things i have to work on tofix my life-maintaining relationships is one, but its easier said than done.
Sometimes i wish i was thick. life would be much simpler then.
Yes, it would. You could kid youself instead of facing reality!
They just see that "on paper" i have support and lots going for me
It would nice to make them understand that all of that is fucking bullshit!!! I only have a future planned out because its what society expects of "normal" people!!! I imagine it wouldnt go down well to tell someone "i dont have any future plans as I struggle to see the point when id be better off dead". Such views are not "socially acceptable".
But whats the fucking point in blindly setting yourself up for a future you dont believe you will be around for??? Its all very well saying im capable of this and that and clever enough to do that and that, and yeah i may well be but i wouldnt be doing it for me.
Exactly the same for me.
If i like someone its generally because they are a good person, and i'll take a bullet for them if needs be and go to the end of the earth if thats what it takes, doesnt matter if ive known you a day or a lifetime. Thats just what im like, kind of all or nothing.
Where as if i dont like someone then I wouldnt piss on you even if you were onfire and wouldnt feel any guilt about putting 2 in the back of your head
A bit Harsh I guess. A lot of people dont seem to get that im all or nothing like that. They dont get how i will give so much for someone i barely know. Just how i am i guess, maybe partly because of the forces mentality where you can be expected to risk everything for a mate you barely know, maybe partly because i dont value my life.
Same, if someone lets me down then thats it. They're out for good. Andmore often than not-people let me down.
And more worryingly i try but cant change it/dont know how to change it, yet the people who could in thoery help me think every things rosey and i have no way of explaining the real problems to them to make them "get it"
This is how this thread came about. There are things i have to work on tofix my life-maintaining relationships is one, but its easier said than done.
Sometimes i wish i was thick. life would be much simpler then.
Yes, it would. You could kid youself instead of facing reality!
yep feel this way everyday... 2004 I ended up in hospital on high dependancy unit! life support.. after loosing my home, job..and partner of 15yrs and kids...and ended up in prison on remand! major long messy part of my life. took over dose just wanted to die... poxy hospital saved me mind you they told me i died 3 times.. but as for someone close to me to talk too NO.. yeah i have family and kids but none of them really understand the shit i had to suffer.. lifes a struggle each day for me.. can't work anymore which gets me so pissed off.. boredom one of them... takin medication daily.. also sucks.. and will never trust anyone 100%..
It's amazing to read through the variety of experiences different people have had over the course of thier lives.
Between us all we could potentialy help deal with almost any situation (well, within reason).
Myself personally, i had several people i was really close to both friend and family. However my own self destruct system triggered a good while ago and since admitting to my addiction nobody wants to know.
I've built so many bridges, knocked them down, then tried to rebuild them again i'm getting pretty good at it. It's the memory's and shame that causes me most grief.
In a way, i'm my own undoing.
Between us all we could potentialy help deal with almost any situation (well, within reason).
Myself personally, i had several people i was really close to both friend and family. However my own self destruct system triggered a good while ago and since admitting to my addiction nobody wants to know.
I've built so many bridges, knocked them down, then tried to rebuild them again i'm getting pretty good at it. It's the memory's and shame that causes me most grief.
In a way, i'm my own undoing.
Dont get me wrong, im not having a 'crisis' or upset or anything, I just wondered how things are for other people, because Ive been trying to change things for myself, but it really isnt easy.
Im used to relying on myself and in a way its much easier, but its kind of shitty when the only person you've got (myself) is the one you hate the most. And, theres no escape. Ive been trying for years.
Last edited by Ellie; 21-11-2009 at 06:13 PM.
21-11-2009, 06:47 PM
#42
I know when my self harm gets out of control, cutting ends up being both psychologically and chemically addictive albeit to a lesser degree.
People say "oh but you shouldnt blame yourself for this and that" etc and yeah they may be right, but even when my perceptions about certain events change, it still doesnt change the self hatred i feel.
To me, im a realllyyyyyy realllllyyyyy bad person and at times consider myself to be evil (not the religous meaning really).
Now knowing that, no amount of doing good can ever make up for me being as bad a person as i believe i am.
And in trying to do good, the best bit of good i can ever do is destroying evil, which means ultimately i have to destroy myself!!
So in doing that its not even really suicide when your doing the right thing.Plus no one would really miss me anyway!! Sure they might feel a bit down for a few seconds but thats it. Most people just wouldnt even know, they just notice ive dissapeared then quickly carry on with thier lives. Even on a place like this, id just dissapear offline and the first anyone would hear about it would be when a puma cosworth ends up in a auction somewhere and either it gets on here via the grapevine or the new owner registers on here and says what he got at auction and people work it out.
Other people often say im a good person etc ive even had it written in reports "heart of gold" "will do anything for anyone" etc etc etc and all that still doesnt mean a fucking thing really. If im such a good person etc then why is it so hard to meet people/make friends etc?? surely if im that good then that would shine through any social difficulties and balance that out?? So obviously im not as good as some people think.
21-11-2009, 09:44 PM
#43
PassionFord Post Troll
through out my life ive been able to cry on one persons shoulder, which was my ex gf, could realy open up to her, but it just wasnt working out 
i also have a good chat with the dog
but im the sort of person thats got loads of mates, but i wouldnt feel comfy realy admitting me deep dark feeling to anyone, sure things about relationships and that are fine, but (i think anyway) simular to what warren is saying, its what you feel about you, not other people feel about you
i just darent tell anyone about me 100% never have been able to, yet have family and friends.
strange isnt it how people can ave lots of surrport and still not have one person to be completely theirselves with!?
also i beleive my self to be quite femanine, (well far from a stereotypical male) i have lots of emotions and need someone to share that with but nobody is there, i cant wait to get my own house so i can realy open up and stop putting on this act that i know i am doing, but cannot help it
i also have a good chat with the dog
but im the sort of person thats got loads of mates, but i wouldnt feel comfy realy admitting me deep dark feeling to anyone, sure things about relationships and that are fine, but (i think anyway) simular to what warren is saying, its what you feel about you, not other people feel about you
i just darent tell anyone about me 100% never have been able to, yet have family and friends.
strange isnt it how people can ave lots of surrport and still not have one person to be completely theirselves with!?
also i beleive my self to be quite femanine, (well far from a stereotypical male) i have lots of emotions and need someone to share that with but nobody is there, i cant wait to get my own house so i can realy open up and stop putting on this act that i know i am doing, but cannot help it
Last edited by jammerrs; 21-11-2009 at 09:48 PM.
24-11-2009, 05:05 PM
#46
PassionFord Post Troll
as warren says...the voices in your head are nasty
i find my self have conversations with myself and when my mind goes off on one and thinks horrid things i think that unless i say no to it it might happen
OCD????
i find my self have conversations with myself and when my mind goes off on one and thinks horrid things i think that unless i say no to it it might happen
OCD????
25-11-2009, 02:58 AM
#47
"internal dialogue" is different to voices caused by psychosis!!
Having arguements with yourself is normal, having arguements with someone else who happens to be in your head is not normal Its like hearing a voice but no ones in the room rather than just hearing your thoughts.
OCD is the recurring thoughts or compulsions not hallucinating voices! OCD can be anything from the stereotypical "handwashing" to lining things up, repeatedly checking things are locked, switched off etc, you have to do it but you dont necessarily want to do it or like doing it. OCD is about anxiety at the core of it.
Having arguements with yourself is normal, having arguements with someone else who happens to be in your head is not normal
Its like hearing a voice but no ones in the room rather than just hearing your thoughts. OCD is the recurring thoughts or compulsions not hallucinating voices! OCD can be anything from the stereotypical "handwashing" to lining things up, repeatedly checking things are locked, switched off etc, you have to do it but you dont necessarily want to do it or like doing it. OCD is about anxiety at the core of it.
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