Originally Posted by
Ellie
Addiction isnt my preferred self-destruct method, but i can relate to what you're saying.
I think destructive behaviour can be just as psychologically addictive at times as any drug.
I know when my self harm gets out of control, cutting ends up being both psychologically and chemically addictive albeit to a lesser degree.
Originally Posted by
Ellie
but its kind of shitty when the only person you've got (myself) is the one you hate the most. And, theres no escape. Ive been trying for years.
A lot of people really dont understand self hatred. Sure i have lots of reasons to justify the self hatred (and valid reasons IMO) but it goes deeper than that, right to the very core of who i am. And you just cant explain that to people.
People say "oh but you shouldnt blame yourself for this and that" etc and yeah they may be right, but even when my perceptions about certain events change, it still doesnt change the self hatred i feel.
To me, im a realllyyyyyy realllllyyyyy bad person and at times consider myself to be evil (not the religous meaning really).
Now knowing that, no amount of doing good can ever make up for me being as bad a person as i believe i am.
And in trying to do good, the best bit of good i can ever do is destroying evil, which means ultimately i have to destroy myself!!
So in doing that its not even really suicide when your doing the right thing.
Plus no one would really miss me anyway!! Sure they might feel a bit down for a few seconds but thats it. Most people just wouldnt even know, they just notice ive dissapeared then quickly carry on with thier lives. Even on a place like this, id just dissapear offline and the first anyone would hear about it would be when a puma cosworth ends up in a auction somewhere and either it gets on here via the grapevine or the new owner registers on here and says what he got at auction and people work it out.
Other people often say im a good person etc ive even had it written in reports "heart of gold" "will do anything for anyone" etc etc etc and all that still doesnt mean a fucking thing really. If im such a good person etc then why is it so hard to meet people/make friends etc?? surely if im that good then that would shine through any social difficulties and balance that out?? So obviously im not as good as some people think.