My Nan has been poorly with cancer for many months now and this evening we have been told that she has taken a turn for the worse and the nursing home have asked for the family to be with her.

I have taken the choice to not go. I am so close to my nan and we have a special bond, and every time I have left her recently I have broken down in tears, it breaks my heart when she asks me "who are you?" I ahve been really struggling to deal with my emotions recently through other personal matters too.

I am now really wondering if I have made the right choice in not being with her, or will she know how much I loved her anyway?

Just wondering what other people would do if they were in the same situation?

Has anyone regretted not being with someone close when they passed away?

Sorry for the sensitive subject matter.

 

everyone's different mate, but I know I would definately want to be there.

 

Think you have to do whats best for you mate,just lost a close friend to cancer and it really is difficult to see him like that,i am sure she would understand,best wishes.

 

Im in the same position right now. my nans been giving hours an we have been told to go out but i chose not to!!! but im going now it will be on my head for a while i wouldnt be able to forgive myself!!! go an see her u will regret if u dont!!!!!

 

Go mate if you can

this has just happened to me a couple of weeks ago, my grandad had cancer and we were told he wouldnt make it through the nite.
I went to see him, kissed him goodbye and told him i loved him.
My cousin didnt want to and has regretted it as he passed away that nite.
Im sitting here getting upset just typing it mate.

If you can, big beep breath and do it is my advice

col

 

it's a really tough one and i was there when my nan died, but not when my grandad died, and really regret not being there.

 

I lost my dad 3yrs ago and was not there when he died and i eats at me every moment of my waking day.you will be better off going to say good by a least you can rest a little easyer doing it.

 

thats a tough one and not one we should help you make

all i would say is if when the worst happens you are left out of a job ect then,,,,,, you have to think long term as harsh as it sounds

my god mother got cancer, i wanted to drive up and see her as i regretted not doing it over the years and,,,,, i never managed to do it as family made me feel unwanted with the idea

now she died a few weeks later,,,, i was anoyed i never seen her but,,,,, if im honest im glad that i only have the nice image of her in my head and not what my family seem to remember of her...... may sound the wrong thing but HONESTLY i prefer that image

sorry to hear about the bad news and no matter what the people say on here internet is a good way of saying things you wouldnt usually wanna share with people and generally in 2 days its forgotten about due to new converstations if that makes sence

Good luck in your choice you make

 

So you have changed your mind then??

I am sorry you are in the same position as me, it's rubbish isnt it

 

if i was you id go...Because if owt did happen you would regret it for the rest of time.

 

I'd really want to be there, but not so sure if they don't know who you are...

 

If there was doubt in my mind then I would go I wouldn't want to regret not being there.

 

yep im going to go on my way in a minute. That women was the best thing in my life an ill beat myself stupid if i didnt take two mins just to say goodbye after all she done for me!!!!! its proper rubbish my heads up my ass because i know my grandad aint going to be here much longer either!!!!

 

See this is my point, when I saw her yesterday I helped her with her dinner as she is unable to feed herself and just sat and chatted to her. During the time I was there she moaned I had cold hands, as she always did and then when I left she said "good night, god bless" and blew me a kiss, something she has not done since I was little, but right now I have that image in my head and it makes me smile. I really dont think I could see her struggling for breath and unpeaceful.

I am really struggling with this.

 

I didnt go an see grandad when he was in the nursing home at deaths door. I saw him a few days before & it was bad enough. I wanted to remember him as he was rather than he was in the nursing home as a shadow of his former self, only identifiable by his tatoo on his arm.

I dont regret not being there at all.

Gran is also in a home with altsimers (spelling ??) & I find it very very hard to go and visit her. It just makes me more sad to see her now to what she was. She does still recognise me when I do go and smiles / giggles (she hasnt talked for years).

 

If it was me I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want my last memory to be of them laid there dying. Selfish but true. And especially so if she doesn't even know who you are anymore.

 

That's my thinking to i dont want to she her like that i just want to remember her happy an well. but that aint gonna happen

 

jus make sure nothing is left unsaid . x

 

I dont think I could do that, my granddad died In December and I did see him both in the ambo and chapel of rest and it was the worse thing for me, I really wish I just could remember him for the happy times rather then what I see now...

So if I was you I'd just remember the good times

 

No, nothing has been left unsaid. I told her yesterday how much I love her and that she has meant the world to me.

I only ever hidden the truth from her once and that was that James and I weren't still together, but that was to protect her more than anything else, apart from that she knew everything.

 

Sorry to hear about you and James. Long distance relationships eh...

 

My girlfriends nan passed last week, She raised her and they were very close.

It was hard for my girlfriend to see her towards the end but she's glad she did. the thing is though theres only so much you can say. The person sitting in that chair isn't really the person you once knew and loved in my opinion and i tried to explain this to her.. Of course people may argue this but as has already been posted above if theres nothing left unsaid and you want to remember the better times then do what you must, no one should judge you for it, if you've already said your goodbye then its easier to stay just outside the circle imo. people deal with grief differently.

Unfortunatley theres no black and white answer to this one. Everyone is different.

 

I couldn't go to my Nan's funeral last week due to health reasons and I will always live with that Im totally gutted as I couldn't be with the family the day she passed away. I was the only one not at either

 

Wow, that must be tough!!

My head is all over the place right now. I have people telling me what to do left, right and centre...... I just dont know what to do.

Why is life so s**t sometimes?

 

i know its not much help but something Biglee said was "regret is forever and fear is tempory" thats kind of stuck with me as what a true saying.

Pete

 

Ok.... I have made a decision. I have just spoken to my Dad, he is going to get my Mum later and he is going to take me to the nursing home. It means my time will only be a few minutes and I will be brave during that time but at least I will have seen her and said my goodbyes.

I think this is the right thing to do.

 

if you have done all you can then you cant do more
i know i did all i could for my grandad so know its all ok
i think if you did right by people you shouldnt be too bad when its done and dusted
but if she doesnt know why anyone is then you may do more harm than good, for yourself mostly, i dont think you regret what you did if its in good mind but you can regret what you didnt

 

Right, I am just about to be picked up and taken to see my Nan. It has been an emotional evening already and I guess its going to get worse but I would like to thank you all for your kind words and the Pm's sent to me this evening.

Many Thanks x

 

i am glad you chose to go, bad memories fade with time, good ones stay forever.
When you have a minute, google and read "Footprints in the sand"

 

You might regret it? No-one can make this decision, only you.

Benni.

 

I didnt regret it, I am glad I went. She was laid in bed with all her family around her and we all took turns to sit on her bed, hold her hand and tell her how much we loved her. She was asleep but often murmured when we were talking to her.

It was probably one of the hardest things emtionally I have ever had to do but I did it. I guess it is just a waiting game now.

Thanks again for all your kind words xx

 

i wasnt there when my dad passed away from cancer, instead i played footy with my mates as i normally did, one of the biggest regrets of my life.

i turned up after he had gone, and to hold and kiss his cold lifeless hand was extreamly difficult - makes me well up, even now.

i'd go see her personally, but thats my opinion

 

I got stopped from seeing someone whom I had a very special bond with during their last days.

I've never got over it and there are questions I wanted to ask and things I wanted to say that I'll never get to.

So sorry to hear that you're in this situation. X

 

glad you went, you'll never regret been there with her.

 

Went through this with a close friend of mine, he was 27. It ruined me totally.

I just gave loads of cash to the hospice every day i went, several times a week. They do an amazing job, not gonna type it all up as it will all come back.

I was an absolute mess. Floods of tears the second i left, uncontrollable and up to then i was quite cold and very incontrol of my emotions.
I'd be all normal and matey when i was with him, immensely difficult, but it's what i-he needed. Just a bit of a laugh and act like nothing was the matter.
He drifted off to sleep while talking to me and i started to break down. He started to come round and i had to quickly get my act together and act normal so he wouldn't notice.
Loved the fella, i visited him once and had a black eye from scrapping and he was more concered about me and telling me to behave, even though he was falling to pieces before me. That crushed me a bit and made me take stock.

It's impossibly tough, but if you can go and be upbeat, do it! Got a lump in my throat thinking through it all again now, but it's what mates and family are for.


Go, smile, be strong. Then when you get away from the place, let it all out. I dreaded every day and every step i made towards the hospice, but it had to be done.

It's a horrible thing but a test we sometimes have to face.

 

Went through this a couple werks ago.. Found out my gran had lung cancer and bone cancer and she was given weeks.. I live in Australia so havent really spent much time down in the UK with family etc but i was there for my civil wedding and my gran was there she was so happy and seemed in good health.. A couple days later she was admited to hospital with serious pain and deteriated day by day.. She had her good days. I was due to go back to oz a week after my wedding but ended up staying a month longer me and my wife would go to the hospital twice a day to see her it would only be for a few mins but was worth it.. She would keep saying god give me a year thats all i ask.. She wanted to be at my indian wedding and also my cousins wedding but was not ment to be.. I was supposed to leave UK on Thursday 10pm but i paid extra to leave on Tuesday as i had to get back for work.. I said my good byes to my gran and thought shel be ok shes a fighter.. I get a call on Friday oz time Thursday uk time to say my gran had passed away at 5pm in her sleep.. It kills me inside knowing i would of been there with her if i didnt bring my ticket forward.. Make sure you go mate or you will regret it.

 

When my nan was in hospital i missed going as i didnt really want to go, think stuff like i dont want to go and see her ill its depressing why would i want to go. My god do i regret it. i never had the chance to say goodbye. I went to her funeral but majorly regret not seeing her and being able to tell her things. Glad you chose to go in the end as its my biggest regret in my life so far.

 

I wish I hadn't found my mum and I also wish I hadnt gone into that hospital room with her sister who positively shrieked at the sight of her.

Didn't go see my gran after she'd been hospitalised either. I have good memories of her.

 

Update - Well she has beaten all the odds again and survived the night!! Her breathing is just slowing ie she takes a couple of breaths and then stops for about 40-50 secs and then starts again.

Purely for selfish reasons I wish she would just go now, she needs to let go and slip away. I have a feeling that she is waiting for something but I just dont know what.

Someone from the nursing home sat with her all night holding her hand, the staff are fantastic, they all say she is their favourite!! I dont know if that is true but it makes me feel better.

If she survives today, then I guess I will be back in this situation again tonight.

My wonderful, beautiful Nan, who is the absolute world to me. Not sure how I will deal with everything without her, she has had such a huge influence on my life.

I have been told some amazing stories on here and through PM's and they have helped me realise that everyone seems to go through this at one point in their life and I have to be strong. Thanks again to everyone.

 

Just remember no matterbhow long she takes to pass you would of seen her and said goodbye before she did. That's the only thing I'm happy with my Nan, I saw here for 10 minutes the week before she died. It still hasn't set in for me as I wasn't as the funeral or on the day she passed and im hoping to go see my Grandad this or next week to get my closure and pay my respects.