I posted this a few weeks back on my Facebook Blog. I've been going through some emotions that i didn't realize and it has almost cost me a relationship with someone who did nothing but show me love and support. I'm not ashamed to admit that i've been getting help and i think anyone who has anger issues is doing themselves a favor by getting help. Its unhealthy if you just bottle up stuff cos your future will suffer. Most of you know i went through a horrible break up with my ex Sinead last year and i kinda left the emotions untouched. I kept them bolted down in me but i paid the consequences in the last month.

Anyway heres what i wrote -:

'I have just come to realization that i am a very hostile person. And that the failed relationship is all down to myself being inadequate to let go of the emotions of the past. Its easy to think that the next person will treat you like the last and that at the first sign of a argument, one can become a person he has never been before. A nasty, horrible and misjudging person. A person who will do things to hurt the person a lot more than the person has done to you. You dismiss their apology knowing it will cut through them and hope the sunshine comes from relief of spite but the sunshine never comes.

So let the healing begin...

For months i have bitched and moaned about relationships and using the 'C' word extensively to describe a lot of the negative emotions i have been feeling. All i can say is that i have been out of order since August 2009. The saying 'it can all be gone tomorrow' is a saying i will have tattooed eventually.

Why? many of you may ask. Because in 2007 i met the person i thought i'd be with for the rest of my life. A person who showed me so much love and compassion that for once i didn't feel like i was just a guy in a relationship with some girl. For once it felt like we had been married for years. 2009 August comes along and it changed everything. It took no more than 24 hours to destroy everything i had done for this person. Was beat down and left feeling Pathetic.

So i go on in life, thinking that 'whats happened has happened' and unaware of the seed that has been planted within me. Yesterday night i realized that this seed had grown and its made me someone i'm not. I have always had the angry side that never really left me from when i was just a angry teenager but i did learn to control it as i got older.

February 2010 i met someone and at first everything is great. We talk over the phone and its nice having someone to talk to in the evenings again. As things gets serious, i put up this guard from no where, thinking that this person is going to emotionally break me again. That i'm going to be taken advantage of and again, left feeling pathetic with the thoughts of my concise saying 'Hello, i just came here back to say i told you so'.

So this person puts up a fight for me, reminding me that whatever happened in the last relationship was to stay there. That she is not the person she was and that i should not let my last relationship politics spill on over to my new relationship. Is she right? She damn right was.

So after rethinking EVERYTHING, i promise her that i will be the guy she first met 24/7 and i was silly to go into a panic state of false emotions.

So fast forward to 3rd April 2010, i came home and i get a text from her assuming that i had the hump with her and the truth is that i didn't. I was fine on Saturday night. She was so sure that she kept pushing for me to say 'YES I HAVE A PROBLEM' when i was 100% fine. So now i get the hump with her.

Sunday, i see her and she approaches me and puts her arms around me and tells me she is sorry. What did i do? I looked right through her, i didn't even put my arms around her when she hugged me and said sorry. Instead, i walked away from her and made her feel pathetic. I did what i did out of the emotion i was feeling that moment. Am i proud? No way in hell.

She may have upset me the night before but did she make me feel pathetic? No!!! I did what i did to hurt her and i did and i feel so sick about myself. I have never EVER been so spiteful to anyone and the first woman who comes along and takes a shine to me, i make her feel stupid and worthless.

So i do what we all do, i blame her for making me do it. Is that fair? NO!!! Over such a little petty thing she did to upset me, i took 10 steps back and had a running start to hurt her.

Today, i looked in the mirror and i feel so miserable. I haven't slept as i've been thinking about why am i what i've become. And why i have no answers as of yet, i can admit that i have serious problems and emotions that i need to deal with.

I have been abusive to many people in Reality and FB Statuses. I have offended many people with using inappropriate words to describe my feeling towards silly things.

So for those who have had to put up with my inexcusable way, i am truly sorry and i hope that you can forgive me for my anger outbursts.

I need to re-evaluate myself and my anger issue and that's what i'm going to do. First step was to admit i have a problem and how i was made aware of it.' - Pardeep


Anyway, i've been seeing a Shrink since then and it has helped. I was holding on to things of the past which included pictures, texts, e-mails, our first cinema tickets (sad i know). I was still using the positives of those things to get me through days. The Shrink said that in order for me to move on, i need to delete those things for good. The longer i held onto them, the longer i will suffer and still leak the negative past experience into my future relationships. Still a long way to go and i still need to talk to Katrina about why i did what i did. She understands that it's cos of the negative emotions but i think i need to go alot deeper when i discuss it with her in the coming weeks.

Women can be very Evil but its how you let go that matters. I failed to let go and ts the biggest regret i have in my life now.

 

Don't really know what to say, but didn't want to read and run, we all know what a hard time you had with Sinead and I'm not surprised it affected you, good to hear you are getting some help and starting to be able to let go and move on

 

good luck man - top work on trying to make a positive change in your life

 

glad your sorting it all out mate

and i hope everything turns out good with the new partner

best of luck with it all

 

Fair play to you for doing something about it and being open about it. You may be helping other people out there going through the same thing who have no idea how to deal with it.

 

good your facing it mate...and i wish you all the best in future.

 

All the best for the future mate, brilliant news that you're dealing with it and working through whatever issues you have properly with some qualified guidance.

Do you really wanna risk screwing all that progress up by buying a Ford?!


Cheers,
Grant

 

Fair play Pardeep - good on you chap

 

Thank You to all. Its tough but with enough support, the sunshine i've been looking for will come eventually

I drove my brother's E92 M3 again. Not so sure now RWD

 

fair play to ye pardeep,its fine to get peoples opinions on things but the proffessionals are the people who can really cut through all the shit to get to the crux of the problem.

i hope you are feeling better soon,as these kind of problems are better tackled head on

 

What don't kill ya, make ya more strong! (Broken, Beat & Scarred )

 

You rise, you fall, your down, then you rise again
What don't kill ya makes ya more strong!!!

 

That was a long read and I am speechless.

Benni.

 

I've just been playing along to this record - one of the first "fun to play" Metallica records for ages! I now have BB&S on at full volume, just for good measure! Expecting the neighbour to beat my door down any second!

Chin up dude, Tallica will always get you through!

 

ive been attending anger management for the past 6mths and it has helped me,
i was very close to losing my partner through my volitile temper, ive never hit the mrs or kids but i did tend to fly off the handle into a rage very easily over silly things , just couldnt control myself and never knew how or when to leave things.
its helped me a hell of alot.
i now have a very healthy and happy home life and im getting on at work far better now than i was 6mths ago.

it really does work, as above really. it is best to seek help. it doesnt mean your a weak person.

 

you are a top fella for talking about this mate takes a man to sort his emotions
i have alot of respect for you as most blokes ie my real dad didn't
top bloke

 

you bummed her yet?

 

Shrinks do help, been seeing one for a few months now.

Women wise, sometimes you just need to do other things. At the moment I wont let any woman into my life, and it saves me alot of heartache and disappointment. Im an ugly person so ive given up trying to find nice looking women, but dont want to make do with someone i dont even fancy. Unfortunatly the only interest i get is nice women chatting me up then asking me if im rich, when i say no, i never see them again, or i get the desperate ugly women who wont leave me alone.

I have ignored every woman who trys to talk to me for about a month and i feel so much better from it. I am also learning that i will always be ugly and probably always be lonely and im fine with it.

I guess my point is that time is a great healer and you need time away from women to stop yourself putting up barriers and thinking your going to get hurt again because of your ex.

 

I'll go with the 'If a man doesn't cry, he can't be trusted to be a man'

Its comforting to know that people are getting help. Respect to all of you who realize your problems and have the bollocks to stand up and say 'I need help'

Proud of you all.

No but something tells me i'm gonna fuck you in the ear lol

 

Metallica Saves!!!

 

i had the same kinda experiences with wemen and if sent me on a downwards spirial then i got a tattoo saying ' dont let love take over use your head first tattooed down my arms' last august i found a girl who ive been with since i even moved in with and her family theres even the ring of wedding bells going on at the mo. all i can say is there is someone for everyone out there it just takes lots of serching i'm 23 now and the girl i have now is my proper first love not these flings which has no love in
keep ya head up bud

 

Hey folks, yesterday was my last day of shrink appointments and i think the progress has been very successful.

Ok, so things didn't work out with Katrina and i have only myself to blame with how i treated her. Since then i have concentrated on being me and doing what pleases me. I have a new band called 'Casino' and will be playing our first gig next week at 'The Scala' and also writing acoustic stuff etc

So, has it worked? YES!!! It took months and took alot of effort and courage to understand that i needed to get pass all that had happened. I have since met a new girl who is just fantastic and understanding.

Sinead has played a part too. She decided to come running back after she through the guy she left me for out and acted like nothing ever went bad between us. Yes it was hard to look her dead in the eyes but at the same time i thought of all i have been through and looking her in the eyes, telling her that she is no longer welcome in my life, my family and my future was sooooooooooooo easy

There are a few other issues that i also had to overcome but i shall not get into any of that. I would like to say that never let what 'People are going to think' get in the way of getting pro help. Advice from others is ok but 'Advice and Guidance' from a professional is far better than asking a friend, i promise you. Any friend who can show no support in order for you to become a better person, shouldn't even be worth your time.

So in closing, i would like to thank you, those who showed me support and shared kind words. And here is a pic of me and my new lady

Thank You all so much

 

Wow you have been through alot. I hope you will be better from now on. Ive been out with a few girls in the past and they have turned out to be right nutters.

 

hows the car running?

 

i dont know you pardeep but well done mate, seems u have really sorted your issues out and have become a much better man for it... thanks for sharing that with us... Gaz

 

Yes you have got some things to sort but it would be the last thing id do airing out on here for the rest of the world to read.

 

WOW! I have just read through your thread for the first time, and all i can say is i dont know you but im proud of you! Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part but also the first step to moving forward into a better future!

It's great to see you now happy with someone, its a shame things didn't work out with Katrina, and the stress that went between the two of you because of the ex before hand, its not a nice situation to be in and i talk from experience there!

Onwards and upwards now tho and well done and good luck for the future

 

Pardeed, well done for putting this out in the open and getting some help. You sound so much like me its scary, I was reading it thinking "Wow, I do that".

I wish you all the best mate, your own mind is undoubtably often your worst enemy.

 

I agree with stu. Your mind is your worst enemy. Your definately not alone in the way you acted but fair play for having the balls to accept you need help and doing what you had to in order to get it. All the best mate

 

Actually mate, nothing wrong with putting it out into the world. Whats wrong is being ashamed of what other people might think. If anything, someone maybe looking for help online to deal with something they are going through. I hope they'd be able to read this and not feel ashamed and give them the courage to say 'I need help'.

 

Do you need the shrinks number?

Thanks buddy and Thanks to all of you for the kind words

 

all the best man

 

 

Good job youve finally moved on pardeep!! Did think you were living in the past a bit too much!!

trust you
thats not the healthiest of outlooks yes you may be ugly but doesnt mean youll always be lonely. just means you have to set your standards a bit lower or ditch the traditional dating methods at pubs and clubs and choose methods that are based on knowing the person such as joint interests, hobbys etc etc.

unless of course your personality is fundamentally flawed but even that you can change a bit.

 

yep id bum her.

 

Good on ya lad for saying it as it is. just doing same meself at mo seeing shrink trying sort meself out unfortunatly took loosing the one i really loved to get over the one i thought i did Due to hanging onto past and getting angry and pushing away everyone that tried to help.
never let the past ruin your future

 

Well,top reading that,very informative,well done on turning it round,your new girlfriend looks stunning as well so just as well you got rid if the others!!!

As for two black lines,I've been through exactly what you have mate,feeling there's no-one out there for you but that's nonsense mate,I was genuinely shocked when my missus asked me out as I thought she was well out of my league,still is really!!!

We met where she used to work and it went from there,I'm not saying meeting birds in a nightclub dosent work out for some but pumping someone over the bins out the back you met 40 minutes ago and then trying to chose blinds in ikea the next week might not seem realistic!!

Keep doing what your doing fella and it won't be long before you meet "the one".

 

PMSL @ Tag

 

 

Cunt lol