I posted this a few weeks back on my Facebook Blog. I've been going through some emotions that i didn't realize and it has almost cost me a relationship with someone who did nothing but show me love and support. I'm not ashamed to admit that i've been getting help and i think anyone who has anger issues is doing themselves a favor by getting help. Its unhealthy if you just bottle up stuff cos your future will suffer. Most of you know i went through a horrible break up with my ex Sinead last year and i kinda left the emotions untouched. I kept them bolted down in me but i paid the consequences in the last month.

Anyway heres what i wrote -:

'I have just come to realization that i am a very hostile person. And that the failed relationship is all down to myself being inadequate to let go of the emotions of the past. Its easy to think that the next person will treat you like the last and that at the first sign of a argument, one can become a person he has never been before. A nasty, horrible and misjudging person. A person who will do things to hurt the person a lot more than the person has done to you. You dismiss their apology knowing it will cut through them and hope the sunshine comes from relief of spite but the sunshine never comes.

So let the healing begin...

For months i have bitched and moaned about relationships and using the 'C' word extensively to describe a lot of the negative emotions i have been feeling. All i can say is that i have been out of order since August 2009. The saying 'it can all be gone tomorrow' is a saying i will have tattooed eventually.

Why? many of you may ask. Because in 2007 i met the person i thought i'd be with for the rest of my life. A person who showed me so much love and compassion that for once i didn't feel like i was just a guy in a relationship with some girl. For once it felt like we had been married for years. 2009 August comes along and it changed everything. It took no more than 24 hours to destroy everything i had done for this person. Was beat down and left feeling Pathetic.

So i go on in life, thinking that 'whats happened has happened' and unaware of the seed that has been planted within me. Yesterday night i realized that this seed had grown and its made me someone i'm not. I have always had the angry side that never really left me from when i was just a angry teenager but i did learn to control it as i got older.

February 2010 i met someone and at first everything is great. We talk over the phone and its nice having someone to talk to in the evenings again. As things gets serious, i put up this guard from no where, thinking that this person is going to emotionally break me again. That i'm going to be taken advantage of and again, left feeling pathetic with the thoughts of my concise saying 'Hello, i just came here back to say i told you so'.

So this person puts up a fight for me, reminding me that whatever happened in the last relationship was to stay there. That she is not the person she was and that i should not let my last relationship politics spill on over to my new relationship. Is she right? She damn right was.

So after rethinking EVERYTHING, i promise her that i will be the guy she first met 24/7 and i was silly to go into a panic state of false emotions.

So fast forward to 3rd April 2010, i came home and i get a text from her assuming that i had the hump with her and the truth is that i didn't. I was fine on Saturday night. She was so sure that she kept pushing for me to say 'YES I HAVE A PROBLEM' when i was 100% fine. So now i get the hump with her.

Sunday, i see her and she approaches me and puts her arms around me and tells me she is sorry. What did i do? I looked right through her, i didn't even put my arms around her when she hugged me and said sorry. Instead, i walked away from her and made her feel pathetic. I did what i did out of the emotion i was feeling that moment. Am i proud? No way in hell.

She may have upset me the night before but did she make me feel pathetic? No!!! I did what i did to hurt her and i did and i feel so sick about myself. I have never EVER been so spiteful to anyone and the first woman who comes along and takes a shine to me, i make her feel stupid and worthless.

So i do what we all do, i blame her for making me do it. Is that fair? NO!!! Over such a little petty thing she did to upset me, i took 10 steps back and had a running start to hurt her.

Today, i looked in the mirror and i feel so miserable. I haven't slept as i've been thinking about why am i what i've become. And why i have no answers as of yet, i can admit that i have serious problems and emotions that i need to deal with.

I have been abusive to many people in Reality and FB Statuses. I have offended many people with using inappropriate words to describe my feeling towards silly things.

So for those who have had to put up with my inexcusable way, i am truly sorry and i hope that you can forgive me for my anger outbursts.

I need to re-evaluate myself and my anger issue and that's what i'm going to do. First step was to admit i have a problem and how i was made aware of it.' - Pardeep


Anyway, i've been seeing a Shrink since then and it has helped. I was holding on to things of the past which included pictures, texts, e-mails, our first cinema tickets (sad i know). I was still using the positives of those things to get me through days. The Shrink said that in order for me to move on, i need to delete those things for good. The longer i held onto them, the longer i will suffer and still leak the negative past experience into my future relationships. Still a long way to go and i still need to talk to Katrina about why i did what i did. She understands that it's cos of the negative emotions but i think i need to go alot deeper when i discuss it with her in the coming weeks.

Women can be very Evil but its how you let go that matters. I failed to let go and ts the biggest regret i have in my life now.