Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya
got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in
his throat when he hears this.
He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a
real sport too." And drives off.

 

 

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in
the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."

















Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

 

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know
she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

 

 

Let me guess you got a book of crap jokes for xmas?

 

Man wakes up on boxing day to find his wife 20 stone heavier than the day before.
He wakes her up and says "Jesus how much fucking turkey did you eat yesterday?"
She says "Only a few plates why?"
Him "Well go look in the mirror....."
Her "Screams from the bathroom........"

He phones the doc next:

Him "Listen Doc the wife seems to have eat too much fucking turkey yesterday any ideas on what I can do, she's put on 20 stone!!!"
Doc "Tell her to run a hundred miles then stop for a break and then another hundred after that"
Him "Ok Doc what'll that do?"


Doc " Well then the fat bitch will be 200 miles away from you"

 

that is superb!

 

aaww cmon they aint that bad

 

Paddy 1`s MINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pete..