Thrush

iTrader: (1)

Hmm, kinda odd posting it on an internet forum but there you go - I just need to let it out kinda thing cos thinking about it is fucking my head up

I got a call today from an old friend of mine. This lad was my best friend thoughout highschool, but after that we drifted apart. In the last 10yrs I must have only seem him half a dozen times, and havent seen or spoken to him in the last 4yrs at least!

We were friends since the FIRST da of school, and we like brothers - where he was I was, etc. I virtually lived at his house, and we played in bands together thoughout highschool. Best buds!

In 1997 tragedy struck and his dad, who was like a father to me, died of a heart attack

Naturally he didn't take it well, and began to become a little withdrawn, but nothing you wouldn't expect. We remained freinds till we left school the following year. By this point the band had ceased as no one had the heart ot carry on (his dad was a MAJOR factor in it, as a manager, mentor, my drum tutor, etc)

Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been getting increasingly worried. He had become INCREDIBLY withdrawn, and had moved out of home to live in a 10x10 bedsit in London NW3... He smokes a LOT of pot (has done ever since we were at school) but more so than ever....

Anyway, saw him a little on and off after that, but I knew we were growing apart. Then one day I tried to call him and he had dissapeared. Mobile number didn't work, rang his house but his mum didn't know where he was etc....

I tried a few more times with no luck and then kinda just got on with my life....

Untill today. Got a call (missed it) with a message saying he was living back at home, and wanted to see me. Of course I sent round straight after work - I didn't know if the fucker had even been alive the past 4 yrs!!!!

And I met someone who I don't even know anymore Completely withdrawn and intraverted, a shell of his former self I barely recognised him....

He wants to put this band back together, but we (the remaining members) have all moved on : the bass player is married with kids and moved away, the guitarist (who I see every now and again) has "found god" and changed his life, and I've grown up, moved into the real world : got a house, a job, etc etc.....

This guy is a shell tho. He lives in the past (I get there and he's watching tapes of us when we wer 13/14/15 (10+ years ago!) playing gigs. I do that now and again for the memories, but he's been watching them for weeks solid!!!!

He's reverted back into the type of music we were listening to/playing back then (which none of us listen to now) and wants this band back together. He's out of his nut on a concoction of pot, tabs and beer (seriously, he's really junkie alcoholic these days! At 25!) and is WELL fucked up

I can't do it, as I have too many commitments, lack of time, money, transport etc which I told him (gently) and the next thing I know he's talking about suicide and that I'm a cunt for not being a mate and helping him out!

Music is a very personal thing to a musician, and I am simply not in that place anymore. I can't just "help a mate out" by chainging my life to be in this band that I don't wanna be in, or even have time/money/etc to be in...

So he's telling me I'm a cunt and I let him down and all he's got left is nothing so might aswell kill himself.....

Thing is - he DOES have nothing. He lives in a shed (yes, a shed) in his mums back garden, smaller than his 10ft "cell" of a bedsit he had, smoking and growing pot, getting pissed, barely working, living off drugs, booze, and porn. It's like looking at a combination of Kurt Cobain and Pete Doherty!

I honestly can't see what he does have to live for, so I can sympathise, but I wasn't going to be emotionally balckmailed and told him so. I want to be there and be a friend but I can't deal with him like this - I had to leave, virtually in tears (and honestly, I just don't cry - I barely cried when my family split up and when family members died FFS! Not cos I'm cold, I just don't generally show emotion) cos I just couldn't hack it, and it hurt me so much to see him like this.

I talked to his mother, and she's not a lot of help. She thinks it's a fad and he'll grow out of it, and things will get better. She has no problem with his "smoking" (she does herself) and doesn't seem to mind his drinking, him calling her a cunt and telling her he's gonna kill himself (secrectly I think she does mind of course, I can see it in her eyes)

I had to leave, as said on the brink of tears, after an hour of being there as it was killing me.... I told him straight that I would be a friend (he has NONE) but not unless he sorts himself out as I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do to help him!

Thing is he's trying to pin it on me like it's my fault - I'm never there, been away for so long etc. Yet it was ME thats been cunted off the last few times I have tried to make contact! Last time we were actually together I was getting worried and tried to save his life by trying to get me and him a flat together, and help him put this band back together, and then a week later all communication was cut off (by him). As I said before I tried to get in contact by was ignored (he admitted he got the messages but didn't bother getting back in touch)

I've changed from those days, I've grown up and moved on with my life. His dads death devastated me also, but life goes on!

I don't know what to do, and it's fucking my head up! I obviosuly don't want him to kill himself, and don't want to feel, if he does, if it was my fault or I could have prevented it, but we are different people now I barely even know him anymore, and not just cos we've been out of contact - just because he's changed so much

All I keep saying is "fuck" to myself....

FUCK



Thank you for listening........

zippyobrien

iTrader: (2)

all you can do is keep a clear head about it mate,

is there nothing you can encourage him into doing, get a project or something??

really feel for you and your friend mate

Stoo

Suicide is the easy way out. If he's fucked up his life on drink and drugs....then there's NO need for you to feel guilty. He didn't give a toss about you untill he wanted something, and now he's not getting what he wants he's threatening suicide?

Fuck him.

Not your problem.

zippyobrien

iTrader: (2)

as harsh as it sounds,
and please dont take offence to this,

i think your mate died the day his dad did,
doesnt sound like the same bloke any more

dreamin

not so much on a large scale but i was friends with someone years ago, we were like brothers really and he fell into the trap of drugs ad crime and we drifted apart as i could not nore would let myself be dragged into it, i tried to help him out and be around him to keep him out of it but the will was to strong and i had to let him decide his own future,

i saw him about a yr ago he seems to be sorting his life out but after spending time at her majesty's service he is not the same person and neither am i ,

so u can only try but if the help is not wanted m8 theres not much u can do but be around until it is

Scott

pugo

get him into therapy....sounds like the guy has huge issues......!

stop pussy footing around him...go give him a wake up call, tell him he is a coont, ask him what his dad would think knowing he is throwing his life down the pan.....he is his fathers legacy.....proof that he existed and this is how he is repaying him

give it to him tough

then get him to a councillor

HTH

pugo

Thrush

iTrader: (1)

Thanks fot the replies guys - most of which I kinda a agree with

When we were kids in school, we were unseperable - always getting into trouble (rebelling and all that), but were in it thick n thin.... We both got into smoking dope together, had our first "drink" together, saw our first gigs together, even got laid together (not WITH each other I wanna add )

But I stopped smoking dope around the time I left school as it was getting - I don't know how to put it, but addictive (even tho I don't really think pot is actually addictive?) BUt I was smoking more and more to get the same feeling etc, and I didn't like it as much...

But he just carried on, and I proper feel he's fucked himself up

GTechR

I'd go with Pugo mate, get the guy help, and if it means giving him a good kicking in the process to get him there so be it.

Words will have little or no effect on him...

Stoo

Not you! Now I appreciate it must be very hard, but don't let him drag you down too. He needs a proper kick up the arse, nothing more!

Sorry, that's maybe a bit harsh.

dreamin

Thrush


What u hve to ask urself m8 is , do u have the time to devote to helping out this OLD friend , u say u have ur own life etc etc, if spending time helping ur friend out is goin to have a backlash on ur own life then can u afford to put the time and effort into something that may not even work out???

So is he "saveable" really ( couldnt think of any other word)

Scott

GTechR

Stoo Not harsh mate true, when I was younger we had a mate doing all sorts of crap, glue sniffing, really hard drugs coke/heroin etc... Dont get me wrong i'm no angel and i've done my fair share of class A, but he'd gone beyond the point off no return, he needed help and talking didn't work, he got the beating of his life from a couple of his closest mates, and it's what was needed to get him back on track...

May not work for everyone, but sometime you have to be cruel to be kind.

bigchez

Do you think its a it of a cry for help and he's feeling sorry for himself, or is it genuine? If it is, as bad as it sounds, he might have to be forced to help himself with doctors help. Very tricky situation really. Sorry for you and him.

Tangodeltasierra3

Two words - JEREMY KYLE

tabetha

They're right, you can't change the world, or him single handedly.
If he does not want help you cannot force it, OR CAN YOU ?
Be blunt with him, he is obviously a manic depressive who should be in a psych ward for treatment.
My advice DOB him to the rozzers, at least then he will be encouraged or even made to do a drug rehab, he will hate you for it at first but realise after wards what you did for him.
He needs to get away from his mother at all costs, she is reinforcing the habit.
POT actually KILLS BRAIN CELLS, can cause blindness, and that is some of the lesser side effects.
YOU have to accept it is NOT your fault, you need to look to people like his mother if you want to apportion blame.
You also need to accept some are just like this amd they will not change for you or anybody else, and they choose to be like the way they are.
I had a g/f die of cancer and I was holding her hand at the time, that is what you call hard, she was 16, THAT DAY.
tabetha

Rich_w

I think when Depression sets in. As was possibly triggered by his Dads death it needs to be sorted there and then. Over the years hes found alternative ways of dealing with his loss. This of course has led him to the point is at now.

I think on some deeper level. He KNOWS the state he's in. And because he doesnt have the social circle to bring him out of it. Hes called on you to help him.

The problem is that you can't tell anybody anything in life. IF you want to help him then Im not sure the "Tough Love" school of thought is best. As with the long term psycological issues. It will feel like yet another person telling him hes got fuck all to live for.

As you say you have your own life now. And thats not one that you can just drop for him. I would suggest that if you pop round and see him once a week. (though not the same day each week as that will breed dependancy on your visits) Only for an hour or so. Talk about anything. Whats on the TV, whats in the news. Try and have a laugh but at the same time if he wants to open up a bit let him. Just dont let it turn into a rant. After a few months of that you may see an improvement in him. You can work towards getting him to a job (you dont say if hes on the Dole but I imagine he is) Or going to a local (quiet) pub.

This is NOT a quick situation to resolve. And the fact its only you and his mother for the majority is going to make it more awkward. Maybe some of the old "gang" could help but again you dont want to get his hopes up that he'll be going back to the good old days. He needs to move into 2007 soon. As its where hes going to build his base from. I would also suggest maybe speaking to some councellors to see if they can give you advice. They may know of some short cuts you can take.

GTechR

Wow... My hat off to ya mate. I can't and don't wanna imagine what that must do too some one.