In the summer, a friend of mine was (and still is) in a financial mire, but she had borrowed a significant sum of money from a relative. This relative was pressuring her for their money back which is fair comment in my book, as it had been outstanding for some time. She comes to me in tears, tells me how badly in debt she is. I listen, have a think about it and tell her to come and see me, but bring all her credit card statements, bank statements etc with her and I'll try and sort it out.

She comes over, I disect the mess and discover that she actually owes well into 5 figures and in real terms has absolutely nothing to show for it. She's basically blown it all on nothing. OK, what's done is done, can't change it so I set about sorting it out.

Initially a wrote her out a cheque to clear one of her credit cards, fine, one problem out the way and but said she had to give me the money back for that when she got paid, which she duly did. I set up a repayment programme for her to try and clear the other plastic debts (no loan company will touch her) then tackled the relatives debt. Cut a long story short I lent her the money for that, so bought the debt. She started booing again, thankyou thankyou thankyou etc, but said it would likely be some time before she could pay me back. I said fine, don't mind waiting - as long as she concentrates on clearing the other debts. She agreed.

Anyway, she said to me a few weeks back how did I want paying back, dribs and drabs or in one lump. I said no big deal, wait until it's all together and you can afford it. Think I've been pretty reasonable up to now don't you ?

Goes out with my brother last night, and him and her work for the same firm. Bro tells me they all got £1k bonus last month........and she hasn't said a word to me about it. OK, in reality it's none of my business, but when she owes me a chunk of money I think it then DOES become my business. I talk to her every day, so it's hardly like we've never talk and she's had a month to enlighten me, but hasn't. Sent her a text last night about it asking her what she did with the money, she said Christmas and clearing some of the debts. But not the one to me.

What I'm pissed off about is that she never told me. If she had been upfront and said she got the bonus but needed some for Christmas and was putting the rest off debts I'd have been fine, but it's that she's tried to be sneaky about it and I've found out.

Am I being unreasonable ? Sorry for the epic

 

You're not being unreasonable at all!

I think you've been FAR too patient with her as it is and I would have introduced her to excrucating pain a long time ago

Fair play though dude, sit her down and ask her why she didn't tell you. She obviously has a problem with spending and can talk to you about it

 

Cheers Paddy

Didn't think I was being out of line...............but just wondered if I could only see one side.............

 

Mate seriously, if anything I think you're being too nice.

I would have taken the grand off her and watched me smoke it in a crack pipe.

 

i think you have also been fair to try and help her out , would of been nice to ask you if it was ok to use the bonus for other (maby more important) debts and sort you out another time

 

I think that you have been more than fair mate

 

Lazy - that's my exact point mate. I'm not unreasonable enough that I'd want her in the shit again, but she should have told me she was getting the money and what she wanted to do with it. Glad you too see my point !!!

Maybe I am being a bit too nice...............and I wonder why women walk all over me !!!!

 

You've gone out of your way to help them and got that back in return Thats not right m8. She could of at least been on the line with you and been more upfront IMO

A classic case of taking niceness, as a weakness

 

Nath - absolutely right mate she obviously doesn't know me a well as I thought she did then..................

 

I think youre a great mate , but your friend has confused kindness with weakness, she probably has every intention of repaying you but when every penny you have counts she is having a hard time handing it over, i think you should be a "bit" more firm not too much but just let her know that you do need the money back.
Hope it helped

 

fair play to you mate You're not being unreasonable at all..

 

Wish someone would lend me a big chunk off cash to pay my debts off!

Seriously though it sounds like you've helped her out in a big way. Which means as you have now become her personal financier then she is going to have to tell you about all the income she has and all her outgoings so that you and her other creditors can be paid off asap!

I know xmas is a dear do! So if she needed that cash for xmas pressies etc then she should have told you, any reasonable person would have.

IMO if your in hock to someone, especially someone who's been good enough to help you out of a situation they didnt have to then you need to make sure that person knows when and how your going to pay them back and what your doing with the money!

There rant over! lol

 

your first mistake was handing over any money imo

you should have wrote the the comapanys agreeing to a repayment plan as legally they have to allow that aslong as its reasonable and let hr sort her own shite out

spending problems are no different to drug problems except its sooo easy to hide it and not socially un acceptable

never loan real money to mates you can afford to loose imo as all that happens is when you got no cash then you expect it back and the others dont always see fairness and helping the same way


she got a bonus and it could be the first time shes had money in some time, thats why she spend it as shes had no cash a while,,,,,,,,,, shows that even though you helped her all you did was sort the problem at that time

shes still got it though

 

Its a sorry story but friends and money often always cause issues.

Mate she is lucky to have a good mate like you. IMO.

 

you don't know for sure she got that £1k bonus yet, so I'd reserve judgement until you know either way.
ok your bro got one, but that doesn't mean everyone got one even though he might think they did.

 

Ballin - nah mate, whole firm got one, big announcement etc.

Cheers guys, as I thought............. try and be nice and she does this. As has been said, she's evidently confused kindness as a weakness...........well, she shall now feel the wrath of Mr S1..........

 

I always stand by this

Never lend what you cant afford to loose...........

 

Tiff

I'm not needing the money and if it really came down to it I could afford to write it off but as you can see from the above.............the money itself isn't the point. It's the principle and that she never told me when I am owed money.

 

I know what you mean mate

 

tiff lend us a monkey till the weather breaks then

thats the same as i wrote btw, stop copying my rules on life,,,,,,,,,, as im prob owed 4grand easy

o the other hand i still owe a mate a score

 

Here is another one of mine aswell that i stick to

"Never trust a man who's eyebrows meet"

 

@Bal

 

So let me get this right, you lent her the money on the basis that you only want paying back once she had concentrated on paying off her other debt? So she uses her bonus to pay off some of that debt and you're pissed off at her?
Forgive me if im reading it wrong but it sounds to me that she did exactly what you told her to?!

Dont get me wrong, I do feel for you lending money to a friend and not seeing it back for a long time, im in an identical situation where I lent a friend £5k over 2 years ago and havn't seen a penny of it back but hey ho.

 

Clare - no.

I lent her the money on the proviso she paid off her debts and then paid me back. I didn't lend it to her so when she gets a bonus she bins it (which despite what she's told me is what I think she's done) and doesn't even think it might be good manners to at least tell me.......and like I said it wouldn't usually be my business but when she owes ME money it is !!

It's not the money - it's the principle.

 

Sorry, just my opinion, which you did ask for.
You have no proof she blew that money instead of paid off debt, and why should she tell you every incoming and outgoing of her bank account?
If you had proof she had blatantly pissed the bonus up the wall then fair enough.

Money can strain friendships to the max, but try not to make too a big a deal out of her not telling you that she got the bonus, providing she has used most of it to pay off more debt I cant see any reason why she would have to tell you about it and you have no reason to question her over it.

If you are that concerned about her beginning to pay you back ask her if she wants to do another review of her finances (assuming its been a significant amount of time since you set up her repayment plan). See how her current situation is and set up a monthly standing order for her to start paying you back.

 

deffo mate be careful next time

 

I think you are the kind of mate that anyone would be really lucky to have, but I'm with Clare on this one - you told her to concentrate on the debts and even when she asked you a few weeks ago (a month ago maybe?) if you wanted it in dribs and drabs or in a lump you told her no rush, and to concentrate on clearing the others.

That could have been her trying to tell you about the bonus, but she went and paid off some of the rest as you told her to.

As someone who has earned my living in finance for over 20 years, NEVER lend money to ANYONE you want to keep as a mate. And don't be surprised when you don't always get it back.

 

Thanks for your views - all of you. Very much appreciated

 

no probs hope you get sorted

 

Get her to take out a consolidation loan and include what she owes you, that way you get paid

They are all the rage... every self respecting Chav over 22 has one....


There's nothing wrong with being a good samaritan and what you did was admirable, but these are the children of the Thatcher Generation, where its all me me me and I want it and I want it now now now.....


There was a very similar post to this in the week...

Some people really do mistake Kindness for softness...


If I was ever in debt I'd much rather owe a faceless bank than a good friend.... dont know how she sleeps at night to be honest...

 

That was mighty good hearted of you to help her out like that, all credit to you...


A £1k bonus to some people would have been like a crate of scotch to an alcoholic! If she has paid some debts with it then you have taught her something.