Jesus wept, the funniest shit ive ever read on the internet
16-11-2005, 12:06 AM
#1
DEYTUKURJERBS
Thread Starter
Jesus wept, the funniest shit ive ever read on the internet
Im fucking crying here 
How to kill yourself like a man
Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 4 Mess: 0
What you need: hands.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
What you need: balls.
How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.
Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed
Cadbury surprise:
Manliness: 9 Style: 8 Awesomeness: 12 Mess: 8
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
What you need: a hooker, $0.75.
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill yourself!
Unintentionally sexual comic book covers
Moon Pilot
The caption on the cover suggests that the comic is about an astronaut who crash lands his rocket into a spongy yield of hot alien vagina. The picture, however, suggests a completely different story.
Now, I'm no expert on primate facial expressions, but I think the look on the monkey's face can best be described as: concerned. Of course, I too would be concerned if a moon-bound astronaut mistook me for being a girl from outer space and wanted to make sweet love to my monkey butt. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you can only see one of the astronaut's arms on the cover. I'll let you connect the dots, but I can say this much: I've only seen a grin like that on a man's face one other time, and my parents made sure to lock the door from that day on.
Blek le Roc
The cover depicts a jubilant young male wielding a giant, burgeoning, meat staff, beating some poor schlub senseless over the head. I shudder to think how the story would unfold from this point, but I think one could safely assume that it would involve: lubrication, limping, and the humiliation associated with being raped by a giant slab of salami.
The Rifleman
You could arrange a boy holding a pile of wood, and a cowboy staring knowingly into his eyes all day long and not get a more suggestive pose than this.
For the sake of critical analysis, I've decided to make a silhouette of just the cowboy and the logs shown here.
It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it.
Check out the website, its all like that, and its fucking CLASS
http://www.xmission.com/~maddox/ its titled "The best page in the universe" and hes probably right
Kinda makes up fo the only reason im awake is due to me being mega ill for some reason andc ant sleep, hate these random illness shit that comes as quick as it goes
How to kill yourself like a man
Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 4 Mess: 0
What you need: hands.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
What you need: balls.
How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.
Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed
Cadbury surprise:
Manliness: 9 Style: 8 Awesomeness: 12 Mess: 8
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
What you need: a hooker, $0.75.
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill yourself!
Unintentionally sexual comic book covers
Moon Pilot
The caption on the cover suggests that the comic is about an astronaut who crash lands his rocket into a spongy yield of hot alien vagina. The picture, however, suggests a completely different story.
Now, I'm no expert on primate facial expressions, but I think the look on the monkey's face can best be described as: concerned. Of course, I too would be concerned if a moon-bound astronaut mistook me for being a girl from outer space and wanted to make sweet love to my monkey butt. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you can only see one of the astronaut's arms on the cover. I'll let you connect the dots, but I can say this much: I've only seen a grin like that on a man's face one other time, and my parents made sure to lock the door from that day on.
Blek le Roc
The cover depicts a jubilant young male wielding a giant, burgeoning, meat staff, beating some poor schlub senseless over the head. I shudder to think how the story would unfold from this point, but I think one could safely assume that it would involve: lubrication, limping, and the humiliation associated with being raped by a giant slab of salami.
The Rifleman
You could arrange a boy holding a pile of wood, and a cowboy staring knowingly into his eyes all day long and not get a more suggestive pose than this.
For the sake of critical analysis, I've decided to make a silhouette of just the cowboy and the logs shown here.
It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it.
Check out the website, its all like that, and its fucking CLASS
http://www.xmission.com/~maddox/ its titled "The best page in the universe" and hes probably right
Kinda makes up fo the only reason im awake is due to me being mega ill for some reason andc ant sleep, hate these random illness shit that comes as quick as it goes
16-11-2005, 03:34 AM
#3
DO A SEARCH FOR FACIAL CANCER VIA GOOGLE IMAGES
just in case your lazy i will for you
nice isnt it goon
http://uk.search.yahoo.com/search/im...fl=0&vc=&x=wrt
HAVE A LOOK ALL quality pictures
SORRY SARCASM strikes again 
just in case your lazy i will for you
nice isnt it goon http://uk.search.yahoo.com/search/im...fl=0&vc=&x=wrt
HAVE A LOOK ALL quality pictures
SORRY SARCASM strikes again
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