Joke: Why are Pirates called Pirates?
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10-08-2005, 01:35 PM
#17
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got
10-08-2005, 01:35 PM
#18
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to @#%$ your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to @#%$ your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
10-08-2005, 01:36 PM
#19
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her trousers, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
He tells her to take off her trousers, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
10-08-2005, 01:37 PM
#20
a man walks into his bedroom late one evening with a sheep under his arm - waking his wife who sits up in bed and looks at him and Flossy in horror....
"this is the pig i've been sleeping with every time you have a headache" he says
his wife, looking confused, said "i think you'll find that's a sheep"
"i think you'll find i'm talking to the sheep" he replies....
"this is the pig i've been sleeping with every time you have a headache" he says
his wife, looking confused, said "i think you'll find that's a sheep"
"i think you'll find i'm talking to the sheep" he replies....
10-08-2005, 01:39 PM
#22
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two alcoholics sat in a bar. one says to the other "if you had the choice, which desease would you rather be struck down by parkinsons or altseimerz?" thas a good one slurs his buddy it would have to be parkinsons id rather lose half my pint than forget where i put it in the first place 
10-08-2005, 01:40 PM
#23
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
10-08-2005, 01:41 PM
#24
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Posts: n/a
Originally Posted by chip-3door
a man walks into his bedroom late one evening with a sheep under his arm - waking his wife who sits up in bed and looks at him and Flossy in horror....
"this is the pig i've been sleeping with every time you have a headache" he says
his wife, looking confused, said "i think you'll find that's a sheep"
"i think you'll find i'm talking to the sheep" he replies....
"this is the pig i've been sleeping with every time you have a headache" he says
his wife, looking confused, said "i think you'll find that's a sheep"
"i think you'll find i'm talking to the sheep" he replies....
10-08-2005, 01:41 PM
#25
The Speeder and the police...
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: Ł195.00
Court Costs: Ł45.00
The look on his face: Priceless
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: Ł195.00
Court Costs: Ł45.00
The look on his face: Priceless
10-08-2005, 01:43 PM
#26
A man is riding through the desert on his camel and finds a sudden urge to have sex. Realising that there are no women around he turns to his camel. Just as he tries to position it, it turns around and bites him on the balls. He gives up and carrys on riding.
A few days later he gets the same feeling all over again, still there are no women around so again he is forced to rely on his camel. However, as he tries to position it, the camel bites him on the balls again. As before he gives up and carries on riding. A couple of days later, he reaches a small village only to find 3 gorgeous looking blondes in the back of a mini cooper. One of them gets out of the car and approaches him.
"Excuse me" she said "but could you fix our car, as we have just broken down, we'll offer you anything in return?"
Knowing alot about mechanics the man takes up the offer and agrees to fix their car. An hour later, the man had fixed the car and all three blondes walked up to him.
"Thank you very much, thats great!" said the first blonde.
"Well what do you want us to do?" said the second.
"We'll do anything!" said the third
After thinking about this for a while the man replies "Can you hold my camel's head still?"
A few days later he gets the same feeling all over again, still there are no women around so again he is forced to rely on his camel. However, as he tries to position it, the camel bites him on the balls again. As before he gives up and carries on riding. A couple of days later, he reaches a small village only to find 3 gorgeous looking blondes in the back of a mini cooper. One of them gets out of the car and approaches him.
"Excuse me" she said "but could you fix our car, as we have just broken down, we'll offer you anything in return?"
Knowing alot about mechanics the man takes up the offer and agrees to fix their car. An hour later, the man had fixed the car and all three blondes walked up to him.
"Thank you very much, thats great!" said the first blonde.
"Well what do you want us to do?" said the second.
"We'll do anything!" said the third
After thinking about this for a while the man replies "Can you hold my camel's head still?"
10-08-2005, 01:43 PM
#27
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up
about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the redhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks.
"I can't take this, you're my best friend."
The blonde looked at her, "Just take it."
"Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off."
The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the redhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks.
"I can't take this, you're my best friend."
The blonde looked at her, "Just take it."
"Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off."
The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
10-08-2005, 01:45 PM
#30
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up on the fat bitch.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up on the fat bitch.
10-08-2005, 01:49 PM
#32
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
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F**kin' talented!
A wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
F**kin' talented!
10-08-2005, 02:01 PM
#35
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
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heres some one liners!!!!!
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
10-08-2005, 02:13 PM
#37
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
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10-08-2005, 02:19 PM
#40
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
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A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"