Quantas Engineering Reports.... (funny)
21-03-2005, 12:04 PM
#1
15K+ Super Poster!!
Thread Starter
Quantas Engineering Reports.... (funny)
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Gripe: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire
Gripe: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
Gripe: Something loose in cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit
Gripe: Dead bugs on windshield
Solution: Live bugs on back-order
Gripe: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
Solution: Cannot replicate problem on ground
Gripe: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
Solution: Evidence removed
Gripe: DME volume unbelievably loud
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level
Gripe: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
Solution: That's what they're for
Gripe: IFF inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
Gripe: Suspected crack in windshield
Solution: Suspect your right
Gripe: Number 3 engine missing
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search
Gripe: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
Gripe: Target radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
Gripe: Mouse in cockpit
Solution: Cat installed
Gripe: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Gripe: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire
Gripe: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
Gripe: Something loose in cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit
Gripe: Dead bugs on windshield
Solution: Live bugs on back-order
Gripe: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
Solution: Cannot replicate problem on ground
Gripe: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
Solution: Evidence removed
Gripe: DME volume unbelievably loud
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level
Gripe: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
Solution: That's what they're for
Gripe: IFF inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
Gripe: Suspected crack in windshield
Solution: Suspect your right
Gripe: Number 3 engine missing
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search
Gripe: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
Gripe: Target radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
Gripe: Mouse in cockpit
Solution: Cat installed
Gripe: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
Trending Topics
21-03-2005, 12:39 PM
#10
I've found that life I needed.. It's HERE!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: wirral
Posts: 1,417
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Re: Quantas Engineering Reports.... (funny)
Originally Posted by MadMac
Gripe: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
Gripe: IFF inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
Gripe: IFF inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
21-03-2005, 01:32 PM
#12
15K+ Super Poster!!
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by Mike Rainbird
Actually that's not from Qantas, I think you will find the target radar "gripe" gives the game away as to it's real source (i.e. American military 
).
).
21-03-2005, 10:57 PM
#18
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Gripe: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
Gripe: Suspected crack in windshield
Solution: Suspect your right
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
Gripe: Suspected crack in windshield
Solution: Suspect your right
21-03-2005, 11:05 PM
#20
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Not far from here
Posts: 3,992
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Gripe: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
22-03-2005, 09:45 AM
#22
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: brighton
Posts: 630
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Gripe: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
Solution: Took hammer away from midget
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
