After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Gripe: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire

Gripe: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

Gripe: Something loose in cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit

Gripe: Dead bugs on windshield
Solution: Live bugs on back-order

Gripe: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
Solution: Cannot replicate problem on ground

Gripe: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
Solution: Evidence removed

Gripe: DME volume unbelievably loud
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level

Gripe: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
Solution: That's what they're for

Gripe: IFF inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

Gripe: Suspected crack in windshield
Solution: Suspect your right

Gripe: Number 3 engine missing
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search

Gripe: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

Gripe: Target radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

Gripe: Mouse in cockpit
Solution: Cat installed

Gripe: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
Solution: Took hammer away from midget