Funnies to cheer up them Monday blues...
08-11-2004, 10:24 AM
#1
Funnies to cheer up them Monday blues...
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door
of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000...." "Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" she replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out,
picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?",she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds,"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally
said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning
and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said,'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."
***picks up phone***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay,then...here's what I want you do.
Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy
and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said,Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well,Mummy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000...." "Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" she replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out,
picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?",she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds,"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally
said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning
and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said,'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."
***picks up phone***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay,then...here's what I want you do.
Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy
and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said,Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well,Mummy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
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08-11-2004, 09:42 PM
#19
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goverment warning.....
pussy munching is bad for you because
1 % of the fluid is urine
2% is tampon residue
4% is discharge
and
93% just stink's
waitress in a diner see's 3 japanese business men wanking hard at the table,
what are you doing she scream's
we very hungry, we c sign in window, 1st come 1st served
an elephant ask's a camel;
tel me why are your breasts on your back
well the camel replies that's a strange question from
someone who has a penis in his face.
guy goe's to a fancy dress party wearing on a jam jar on his penis
girl ask's what are you
he say's fireman break glass pull knob and i will come as fast as i can
pussy munching is bad for you because
1 % of the fluid is urine
2% is tampon residue
4% is discharge
and
93% just stink's
waitress in a diner see's 3 japanese business men wanking hard at the table,
what are you doing she scream's
we very hungry, we c sign in window, 1st come 1st served
an elephant ask's a camel;
tel me why are your breasts on your back
well the camel replies that's a strange question from
someone who has a penis in his face.
guy goe's to a fancy dress party wearing on a jam jar on his penis
girl ask's what are you
he say's fireman break glass pull knob and i will come as fast as i can
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