got back off my mates stag do to portugal yesterday afternoon, and all was well until about 2am this morning...

ever since i have been pissing out my arsehole on about a 45 min interval

i really need to sort is as:

a. i need to go to work tomoz as i got a shit load of work to do

b. my ass hole is red raw and sore as fuck - i cant take any more wiping

i dont even think i can leave the house long enough to get to the shops and back without getting the 'urge'

i also have a sore throat and ache like fook, but im sure its nothing to do with my ass

its funny, but not - im in pain!

 

warm milk

 

Eat a loaf of bread!

 

got any pics of the shits?!

 

got some milk, but no bread lol

and i hate warm milk, but i think ill give it a go!

cheers

 

Sounds like you got drunk and ended up airtight dan?

 

Sounds like its made his arse baggy

 

i did take one on my phone to show my mate, but my bluetooth thingy is at work, so you will have to wait till then!

ps, 2 of the other lads have the shits too - makes me feel a bit better lol

 

Fair enough

I've got a cracking picture here at the moment

 

lol no chip - altough i had been shitfaced since weds night (didnt go till thursday morning and trying to pack at 4.30am was erm, interesting... i forgot a lot of stuff lol)

 

and again

classic replies boys!


Dan thats graphic shit....excuse the pun!




Im with Chip though, i reckon you ended up in a moustache club and got passed around like a rag doll!






use a wine cork! Job done!

 

a wine cork firing out my ass at a reate of knotts will kill everyone within a 3 mile radius!

no, i was not subjected to any counts of buggery, i was pissed, but not THAT pissed!

 

Anyone wanna see mypicture, I think you need to


Via PM of course

 

come on, you can own up. We're all friends here, nobody will judge you

























male rape vitcim!





Radders- How did i know you'd be along as soon as shit was mentioned! PMSL

 

 

Do what the closet gays do - use one of the wife's tampons!

Don't ask me how I know - it was a very painful experience!

 

no you havent you sick fuck

 

Try Immodium tablets Also use bum wipes and not loo roll!!

 

Dont start me off again!

 

 

use this, Its the Anal Plug

 

Entrocalm is what you want mate.

 

They taste like you're eating school chalk though...and you have to have about 4 or 5 of them to achieve anything.
It's discomfort v. alternative discomfort.

They do bloody work, if of course you haven't already died of the feeling you've eaten the entire primary school stationary cupboard.

 

bet ur arse is like a dragons nostril

 

Blatantly been male raped by a large team of assailants, sounds like the emotional side of it is harder for you to accept than the physical dan

 

large jug of San Migel followed by being bummed to within an inch of his life!




You "claim" to have been golfing......the phrase, hole in one has a whole new meaning now eh?

 

you need to empty your inisides as you've taken on too much water and now you have the pissed shits

whats happening in that the fluids can't get absorbed ito the body and are passing right through so you need to soak up the mosture inside you while at the same time not drying your insides out

short of colonic irrigation you will have to resort to something like warm salty water, drink this and it'll clean you out (apparently) and it should do the trick in just a matter of a few hours

otherwise go to the docs and tell him/her the problem and see what they prescribe

good luck, having the trots is something only your worst enemys should be blighted with

one mroe thing, don't take any sort of orange, vit C stuff has laxative properties

 

bugger, i had fruit for breakfast int he hope it would help

cheers for usefull replies, i have text the wife to get me some stuff on her way home from wok lol, i really dont want to chance being more than 5 seconds away from a shitter!

the warm milk was fookin rank, but i lasted a good hour and 15 mins before my ass just exploded once more

my sphincter is sooo sore, i cant tell you how much it hurts just to sit down


as for all the gay love comments, no chance!

 

Dan, sex not love, you know, the opposite to a marriage

 

If ur ass is like the map of Bonanza, stick some bog roll in the fridge

 

can you still buy Kaoline and morphine these days? Clay tasting stuff? Used to work wonders when I was a lad.

Or tonic water.

 

Not any more mate no







































The CIA have taken it out of circulation, its part of a conspiracy to render us all housebound with the shits so that diana can rule the world.

 

 

Try Bisto.... It wont cure it, but it will thicken it up!

 

 

'Sorry to hear you've got a sore botty Dan..... we've got just what you need to make it all better'

 

Ho ho, and indeed, ho.

 

well, the missus bought me some immodium stuff, the shop didnt have the entrocalm stuff porkie was on about

and,,,


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

since about 4.15 i have managed to keep what little ammount of poo that must be left, inside me!!

fookin raaay

just hope them tablets dont wear off lol

cheers all

 

I love these posts!
Im sure I read that you should have lots of stuff with salt in it. Crisps etc?
Im probably wrong though... could make it worse

 

Kaoline and morphine AWESOME stuff..

two spoonfulls will sort you out within 2 hours