The beer scooter
12-06-2005, 04:50 PM
#1
garibaldi
Thread Starter
The beer scooter
How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night's
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you
cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this conundrum is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by
Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these
magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works like this:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many workers detects
this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to
be responsible for over 90% of UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending
order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you
cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this conundrum is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by
Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these
magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works like this:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many workers detects
this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to
be responsible for over 90% of UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending
order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt
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