Some jokes :)
17-08-2004, 05:44 AM
#1
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Thread Starter
Some jokes :)
-----------------------------------------
A man on one side of a river sees a blonde on the other side of the river.
He yells "How do I get to the other side?"
The blonde replies "You are on the other side".
------------------------
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that f*cking map!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug? then yells.
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to a bar every day after work. He orders a beer drinks it down and then looks at something in his wallet.
He then orders another beer. He repeats this ten or eleven times and then goes home.
After about a week of this the barmen who serves him asks "What do you look at in your wallet after every drink?"
The guy takes out his wallet and shows him a photograph.
"This is a photo of my wife," he says "I don't go home until she starts looking good."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A geezer's running down the road, as fast as he f**king good! Another bloke turns round and shouts, "Why you running mate?"
He goes, "A pissed off rhino has escaped from the zoo!"
The bloke says, "Which way did it go?"
He replied, "You don't think I am f**king chasing it do you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three chicks were driving down the road when the driver hits the brakes. The two passengers ask her what she's doing.
The driver replies, "there's a dead man on the road."
They all get out of the car and look at this body.
The driver says to the other two chicks, "I bet ya $10 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."
The other passengers say, "no worries you're on."
The driver goes up to the dead bloke, sits on his face and after two minutes nothing's happened.
The second chick says," I bet ya $100 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."
Two minutes later nothing's happened either.
The third chick goes, "I bet you $1000 if I sit on his face for thirty seconds he'll wake up coughing."
So she goes and sits on his face. Thirty seconds later the bloke awakens coughing.
The two chicks were in amazement and asked her how she did it. "Simple," the third chick replied. "Blood transfusion."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No Sheila's for 200 miles" says the local.
"What does a man do for sex?"
The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."
The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.
"Christ,that's not bad" he thinks.
He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.
"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"
"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.
"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paramount Pictures plans a series of high budget movies with big name stars playing famous composers.
Keen to get Arnold Schwarzenegger on board before the steroids finish their job and turn him into a horse (a slow, steady transformation that is becoming more apparent all the time, as evidenced by his ever-deteriorating ability to speak English and the inexplicable foot-stamping, neighing and devil-may-care on the spot defecation he indulged in throughout "Junior"), Paramount executives invited him to lunch (light salads and salt licks) where they explained "we've had Tom Hanks as Mozart, Gary Oldman as Beethoven and coming up we've got Dustin Hoffman as Chopin and Mel Gibson as Brahms.
"Who would you like to play, Arnold?"
The big man paused, thought, licked, neighed and shat for a moment. Finally he spoke.
"I'll be Bach," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------
An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and approached the madam and said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!".
The madam immediately escorted the soldier upstairs and selected the best call girl that they had working that night. Sergeant Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30 years and I'm a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant replied "Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick, AT EASE!" His penis immediately went limp. The prostitute couldn't believe the control this man had and asked for another demonstration. He repeated his commands and again the penis responded immediately. Still amazed, the prostitute asked for one last demonstration.
"Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis became erect.
"Dick, AT EASE!"
This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he gave the command, "Dick, AT EASE!" No luck. At this point, he was outraged. "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier...Dick AT EASE!" Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked "Why the hell are you doing that?!"
"This soldier disobeyed a direct order," the Sergeant replied, "I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man on one side of a river sees a blonde on the other side of the river.
He yells "How do I get to the other side?"
The blonde replies "You are on the other side".
------------------------
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that f*cking map!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug? then yells.
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to a bar every day after work. He orders a beer drinks it down and then looks at something in his wallet.
He then orders another beer. He repeats this ten or eleven times and then goes home.
After about a week of this the barmen who serves him asks "What do you look at in your wallet after every drink?"
The guy takes out his wallet and shows him a photograph.
"This is a photo of my wife," he says "I don't go home until she starts looking good."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A geezer's running down the road, as fast as he f**king good! Another bloke turns round and shouts, "Why you running mate?"
He goes, "A pissed off rhino has escaped from the zoo!"
The bloke says, "Which way did it go?"
He replied, "You don't think I am f**king chasing it do you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three chicks were driving down the road when the driver hits the brakes. The two passengers ask her what she's doing.
The driver replies, "there's a dead man on the road."
They all get out of the car and look at this body.
The driver says to the other two chicks, "I bet ya $10 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."
The other passengers say, "no worries you're on."
The driver goes up to the dead bloke, sits on his face and after two minutes nothing's happened.
The second chick says," I bet ya $100 if I sit on his face for two minutes he'll wake up coughing."
Two minutes later nothing's happened either.
The third chick goes, "I bet you $1000 if I sit on his face for thirty seconds he'll wake up coughing."
So she goes and sits on his face. Thirty seconds later the bloke awakens coughing.
The two chicks were in amazement and asked her how she did it. "Simple," the third chick replied. "Blood transfusion."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No Sheila's for 200 miles" says the local.
"What does a man do for sex?"
The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."
The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.
"Christ,that's not bad" he thinks.
He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.
"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"
"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.
"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paramount Pictures plans a series of high budget movies with big name stars playing famous composers.
Keen to get Arnold Schwarzenegger on board before the steroids finish their job and turn him into a horse (a slow, steady transformation that is becoming more apparent all the time, as evidenced by his ever-deteriorating ability to speak English and the inexplicable foot-stamping, neighing and devil-may-care on the spot defecation he indulged in throughout "Junior"), Paramount executives invited him to lunch (light salads and salt licks) where they explained "we've had Tom Hanks as Mozart, Gary Oldman as Beethoven and coming up we've got Dustin Hoffman as Chopin and Mel Gibson as Brahms.
"Who would you like to play, Arnold?"
The big man paused, thought, licked, neighed and shat for a moment. Finally he spoke.
"I'll be Bach," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------
An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and approached the madam and said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!".
The madam immediately escorted the soldier upstairs and selected the best call girl that they had working that night. Sergeant Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30 years and I'm a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant replied "Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick, AT EASE!" His penis immediately went limp. The prostitute couldn't believe the control this man had and asked for another demonstration. He repeated his commands and again the penis responded immediately. Still amazed, the prostitute asked for one last demonstration.
"Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis became erect.
"Dick, AT EASE!"
This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he gave the command, "Dick, AT EASE!" No luck. At this point, he was outraged. "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier...Dick AT EASE!" Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked "Why the hell are you doing that?!"
"This soldier disobeyed a direct order," the Sergeant replied, "I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Trending Topics
17-08-2004, 12:04 PM
#11
PassionFord Regular
Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Wales
Posts: 478
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Originally Posted by Rene
Originally Posted by St3V3_C
Originally Posted by Rene
make em all ugly agian
ROFLOL
ROFLOL
Made me laugh too ROFLMAO
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
Jon ERST S2
General Car Related Discussion.
2
22-10-2004 02:25 PM