a good 1 off the radio last nite;

how do you dunk your biscuits in your tea?

..........tickled pink!!!!!!

 

Around 3 or so years ago, mate of mine did the London to southend bike ride and as I was going to pick him up, we thought we'd make a day of it. Anyway, we got down there, turned onto the sea front and about half a mile of driving on the front, the girl I was seeing at the time turned to me and asked 'where's the sea then?'!!!!!!! After almost stacking me mate's dad's voyager in amazement I pointed to the sea (to which the tide was in and choppy as fook!!!) and replied 'err.......over there!!!!!'.

'Oh yeah!!! I didn't see that!!!' she replied!

Dear God! I thought my eyesight was shocking!!!! LOL!

 

 

An ex of mine used to come out with some worrying funny questions.

Some corkers off the top of my head.

HER"I wish we had the same sun as Spain "
ME "Erm....we do" to which she replied with a laugh
HER-"how can we have the same sun as Spain. For a start spains is hotter" I actually did want to punch her.

After taking some money out of an ATM on a very hot day.
HER- "That must be the worst job in the world on a day like today"
ME- "what job sweetie"
HER- "Being the man in the ATM machine. It must be so hot in there"
ME - "It's not a man in there, its a computer"#
HER - "A computer gives you the money? How does that work. I mean how does it know which notes to give you?"
I gave up there.

Another was when she texted for her balence on the phone and it took 10 minutes to come back and she said,
HER - "He must have gone to the bathroom"
ME- "Who"
HER "The man who texts you your balence back"
ME "Remember the ATM machine hun, it's not a person its a computer.
HER" Actually this face pretty much sums up how she looked at me "

Theres more, I'm sure they'll come to me.

 

Following from the shop ones, when I used to work at great mills/focus a few years ago, I used to answer the phone and say 'goodmorning great mills', the amount of times they would say 'hi, is that great mills'?

Um, no


Another one I had a few times was at about 7:55 in the evening I answered the phone and they asked when we close. In 5 minutes I said.

Can you stay open for me as I need to get something urgently, I can be there in about half an hour.

Um, errrrr no thanks mate

 

once in the bookies with a mate betting on footy games doing three game acumulators, he then comes out with, "how do you bet on a team to lose?"

 

They re-released a bob marley track when i was at school and a girl friend asked me if he had recorded it before or after he died!

 

That reminds me. My first car was an E30 BMW.

So me and a mate are in the car, just nipped into town for a pizza. On the way home, i got pulled by the traffics in a 5 series diesel.

Some knobend officer, looked about 12. Started being wide with me, asking me all sorts of "where have I been, what am i doing etc" then came out with "well the reason we've stopped you is that we've had reports of a car of this description doing "wheelies and skids" (actual quote), you know anything about that?

"Nah mate, just nipped in town for food thats all, straight home now"

He then walks to the front of the car, puts his hand on the o/s/f tyre and says "tyres are very warm, is there something you want to tell me now?"

"Yeah... its RWD, like your car" as i nodded to his 5 series. His mate who was on the radio disapeered back into the cop car and the kid giving me a hard time finished up with some "dont let me see you here again, blah blah" and off we went.

 

So many stupid people

Recently overhead a women at a rolling road day:

'so if its rear wheel drive, what do the front wheels do?' followed by
'are there front wheel drive cars'? or words to that effect

Z

 

i've had that before

girls huh, gotta love em

 

no fucking way

i hope all these dumb girls are sexy as hell

 

that one used to really piss me off!

the one i used to hear everyday was

"whats your cheapest phone?"

me "Ł5.95"

them "anything cheaper?"

twat, i answered the question then they think i told them the second cheapest.

they normally go on to ask

"what can the phone do? n how long will it last me?" and they actually get put of by me saying maybe 9 or 10 months. its only a fiver ffs

 

Yeah I get those all the time - I'll answer the phone "Hello AUTOGLASS" and they'll immediately say "is this Autoglass?"

Or the classic "Hi, I've got my car booked in and want to know what time your guy will be here". I usually leave a big pause then ask "That's lovely. Who are you?"

Same with the what time do you close. Someone rang up when were about 10mins to closing and asked what time we closed. I said "in ten mins". She then says "well I've got a window broken on my car, can I come over now and have it changed, but it will take me half an hour to get there, and is that okay?"

So I said "yeah sure, no problem. Bring it over - I'll wait for you" Then put the phone down and locked up

When I'm out on the road the most annoying thing I get asked all the time is "ere mate, 'ow much will a window cost for my car?"

To which I usually say back "no idea mate - you haven't told me what car, what model, what year, not even what bit of glass!!!"

Nowadays as soon as someone says that I just say Ł400. If they go "wow, thats expensive" I just nod at them

 

I was collecting some money from someone a few years ago and had an ex in the car. It was wintery weather, grey, miserable, cold and raining iirc.

You have to drive through a pretty rough estate, with old cars on bricks, dirty kids running around etc. and then into a static caravan park. You know the type, with rusty old tumble dryers strewn all over the place but everyone still has one of those whirly gig things. It's kind of under/near a pylon [one that constantly buzzes and gives you cancer] and 2 sides of the park are wasteland. It is proper pikeyville.

So I pulled up outside a manky caravan with nicotine stained net curtains and she said: "Do they live here ALL year round?"

I said: "No, they just come here on their holidays."

She was really thick but tried so hard to be clever.

I remember a different thick ex speaking to and trying to impress one of my sisters [who is very clever and quite intimidating] and said "I think the most important thing in what I do [she was an IT Trainer] is clear pronounciation".

Still makes me cringe

 

i always phone up people at home and ask if they in but mean it in a way you staying in

 

Same here mate.

 

I wasn't asked this I actually did the asking....

walked into a petrol station in redcar to ask where the sea front was and he looked at me strangely then flicked his head over his left shoulder I looked over his shoulder and out of the window behind him...
all I could see was the sea!!!!!!


opps!

wasn't looking that way when I walked into the place

steve

 

I work in IT, and we get some prize winners.

I was once called to a printer, which for some reason, wouldn't print white. I just said when I got there "The yellow paper isn't helping."

 

Quality thread, keep 'em coming.


I nearly cried reading that.

 

When I worked in IT support I got asked quite a few times where the any key was on the keyboard.

When I was standing in line at PC world one time. the guy in front on we when up to the customer services desk with his new computer. The first thing he said was "It's the telly bit that don't work mate"

 

I cant remember which forum it was but some useless cunt came on and asked how many mm there were in a cm...err hellllllllooooooooo

 

Guessing that must have been Denney's then

I made a fuck up the other day, I rang somebody up but no answer, left a message explained exactly what I was ringing for etc and asked for them to ring back.

Forgot to leave my number

 

My parents own a bar abroad + when we were over there I would give em a hand behind the bar.

Now near the entrance was a big sign saying sunday lunchs only on sunday.

During a particulary busy sunday afternoon in walks a lad looks at the menu

'Can I have a burger please?'

'Sorry mate we only doing sunday lunch today'

He takes another look at the menu 'can I have a hotdog then please?'..........

F*cktard!!!!!!

 

another one when at carphone warehouse.

them: what colours does this phone come in?

me: black or white

them: do you have green?

why so stupid, oh why?

 

This time it was me being a bellend!

A few years ago when I got my PS2 I couldn't get the thing to switch on no matter what I did. I phoned the helpline thing and the guy was going through it all with me. Still couldn't get it to work. After the umpteenth time of being asked whether it was plugged in blah, blah, I got the hump and said 'look, I'm a fully qualified car mechanic! I think I should be able to work out how to switch on a games console!!!!!'
'have you switched the switch at the back of the console?' he replied!!
'er..........cheers mate, it's working now!' I replied sheepishly!!!

Tech guy - 1. Me - a big, fat 0!!! LOL!

 

im forever doing that - or wost still i get the number wrong

 

 

Come on dojj, i'm dying to hear some of the retarded things you have asked people in your past.

You could keep me reading for hours!

 

I worked in a petrol staion and some oen asked do we sell petrol

 

i heard on the radio, some guy said he pulled into a garage to blow his tyres up, but couldnt see where the air hose thing was, so went in and asked

" wheres the airline mate"

the guy behind counter said

"airline, ffs we havent even got a train station in this village"


fukin made me laugh that..

 

i was at a burger king drive through and the girl on the other end of the speaker thing asked if i was sitting in or taking away, i was like emmm take away please then i heard some one in the back ground crease out!! silly bitch!

 

Not something asked,
but a few years back, my mates bird asked him what he wants for his birthday,
He said a set of lexus lights for his fiesta,

On his birthday she had bought him a random set of lights for a lexus

 

Years ago when the Police came to my house to talk to me about threatning someone over the phone, I was told I'd been reported by a friend so I put the phone in my Mum's bag when I seen them walking towards the door. When they were asking me questions, I was denying. 'No, I was sharp with him, but no threats, I'm not like that'. Then he asked were the phone was and I said I couldn't find it, and my Mum said 'It's in my bag, I'll go and get it for you'. Then when I was questioned at the station, they kept asking why I lied about were the phone was, it all ended in an Ł80 caution under the telecommunications act... I cursed her all the way to the Police station, and all the way back.

She's dropped me in it more times than I care to remember. She's very religious and won't tell lies... Never.

Benni.

 

the pigs do ask the funniest things, they probably win hands down.

once in handcuffs i asked the lady officer if she can take em off so i can put my shoes on, she said no,
i said i wont be able to get em on with the cuffs in

she said "you can get em on with handcuffs so either try or we'll take you without your shoes"

there was 4 of em, then out of no where the silent copper turns around and says

"you can do anything with handcuffs on"

im like, "dude you should have just stayed quite" and gave him a patronising smile.

another lady officer onced ask me "HOW FAST WERE YOU ACCELERATING?" lol i told her

"i need more than just my fingers to calculate that"

her partner then turned around and said "DONT ANSWER BACK"

 

APMSL

 

well he is at it again

my brother was sat with a few mates talking about animals and one of his mates said you shouldnt leve yogart pots in the garden cos it can kill hedge hogs
his mate (spoon boy) asket what a yogart pot was and how it would kill a hedge hog so my brother and the non thick friend convinced spoon boy that a yogart pot was a small animal with teeth and claws that killed hedghogs

 

The story behind how spoon boy got a spoon stuck in his mouth is needed!!

 

he was eating cake and custard and put the spoon in his mout upside down to get the rest of the custard and caused a vacume between the roof of his mouth and the spoon

you wouldnt beleve some of the shit he has done

 

some from my GF

Do you know what crisps are made of?

Do you know whats inside a egg?

and when my car engine was over heeting, Shall i put the window down?

worst thing is she teaches kids

 

me : "Oh look... there's my old Yamaha R6 parked up over there"
the wife : "Has it got the same number plate on as yours?"
me : "Yeah... thats how i know its my old one"