I got asked by a lad in work a couple of days ago if his mondeo had pistons we work in a garage

Another 1 a customer walked in reception there was no one in there so walked in the work shop and asked me if any 1 is in the reception, i asked him have you been in there, he said yes, so I said and is any 1 there, he said No
So why ask me then

 

Why won't this microwave go to 60 seconds it keeps going 59secs to 1.00

 

love it

Not a question but a funny story

A couple of years ago I was working with a lad who at night worked as a doorman in a local night club, 3 months before he was nicked by the old bill for dealing charlie and was waiting for his court date.
Anyway, were all sat in the tea room at work one day and "J" (the dealer) was talking about his dirty missus. (J) "lads lads, saturday night I was doing the missus up the chocolate starfish and then she just turned round and started sucking me off, how cool is that" by this time we're all tring to findout where she lives. (J) -"I mean she must love me to do that" (Andy)- "or she's just a filthy f*cker". Laughing away (J) "imagine what it must be like, going from arse into mouth" (Andy) -Well, when they send you to prison you can write and let us know". I was on the floor pissing myself as I watched his face drop, it was a picture I'll never forget.

 

From a friend of mine..... he had ordered a pack of Duracell batteries on the weekly shopping. The shopping arrived and his elderly mother read down the receipt."I'm not paying for your condoms!" came a shout.

 

Lad we play ball with has a birth mark on his back. Another guy (thick cnut)asked him 'Whats that on your back? A birth mark he replys. Then he asks 'How long have you got that!!! Fookin place cracked up.

Brothers mate once asked him that when he stops at the traffic lights on his motorbike does the piston stop going up and down!!! FFS

 

my wife once asked:

"why are we here at the colleseum when they haven't finished building it yet?"

she was feeding baby last night and the milk was running out, so she unscrewed the cap and gave me the bottle to go and fill it up a little bit so baby would caryr on drinking and not have the teat out of her mouth

when i came back with the bottle, instead of removing the teat and screwing it onto the bollt,e she turned the bottle upside down, split the milk and then asked "why did you only put a little bit of milk in?"

at work the other day, and you have to picture the scene:
my route was like the numbers on a clock, i started at about the 8 o'clock mark and finished at around the 9 o'clock mark
i was around the 7 o'clock mark when i got a phone call asking me when i was going to get to one of the drops that was at about 11.30
"no idea, i'm running about 2 hours late so far and i've only done 3 drops"
"why are you running late?"
"because the computer that times the times doesn't figure out london traffic"
"ok then, when will you get to your drop 12?"
"if i'm 2 hours late for my drop 3 then my drop 12 is probably going to be around 2 hours late as well"
"would you be able to get there quicker if i canceled your drops 16 and 17?"
"..........................................?!"

i could probably give you mmillions of examples of peole asking fucktard questions at work, the other week someone asked how to turn the fridge on in the van when there was a button in the van clearly marked "on/off"

 

Just read the whole post funny shit I hate it when im in my car, Someone will always say "Your bonnets open"

 

I hate that, I was driving along the other day as some guy was running along side trying to tell my bonnet wasn't closed. It was kind of him to go to the trouble of running flat out next to me as i was doing my thing, but really do they not think you wouldn't see something thats just an arms lenth in front of you. A year of so ago we were out in my mates s2 when some guy came over and started shouting that the bonnet was open, he came over and before we could say anything he was pushing on the corner of the bonnet and bent it. my mate flipped, seeing the anger in my mates face and seeing what he had done he just ran off, unreal.

 

i would of been straight after the cunt lol.

 

my mam once rung me and said do you know your bike hasnt got a front number plate on

it was a gsxr 1000

 

My mates girlfriend bought a kitten and told us she was going to call it Hitler. We laughed and told her that it probably wasn't the most appropriate choice of name considering the fact that she lives in an area with a fair few Jewish residents. She then asks, "What's Hitler got to do with Jews??"

 

Some crackers here, but PMSL at the yogurt pot hedgehog killer!

It reminds me when we got a girl at work to believe that the acryllic nails she had came from a little endangered animal called an acryllic, and they used the bones from it for her nails.

 

I fooked up the other day. Was in me mates shop and he told me he has to turn the drinks fridge off at night to save money. His company wants him to buy a timer, so it will do it automatically and he don't have to keep pulling the fridge out (Massive double coke fridge). He also has 2 massive Haagen Daaz and Ben and Jerry's freezers.

I said "Won't you need 3 timers?". he said "No, we are not turning the ice cream fridges off" I forgot they need to stay on

 

Do you have any BLACK HIGHLIGHTERS???

I laughed in that Customers Face lol

 

I get asked if I have a big cock

 

PMSL! What a fucking mood killer.

 

at my uncles garage he rents the valeting bay out to one of my mates he has this guy working for him so my mate went away then come back a couple of hours later the lad said
"where have you been..."
my mate Davie says
"the gum clinic" then the lad is looking at my mate Davies face and says
"how whats wrong with your gums..."


people who think they are right when they say an RS 500 is 500bhp

and the best one is "i have a vauxhall and its a great car"

 

Was doing a exhaust yesterday with a mate and he went under the car to stick aload of paste on, so he is talking to me from under the car.

"this stuff is pretty thick ain't it?"

"yeah"

"is this right? It says all purpose sealent?"

Dickhead had just smeared bathroom sealent all over the exhaust join.

least it won't go mouldy

 

Wasn't that on here

 

Japs eye i havent heard that for a long time.

I used to calll my nana a jas eye.I used to say "nana are you a japs eye",she used to say "no your the japs eye"

 

My mate asked me recently,and this is no word of a lie,"tell me this is it true theres a dog that can talk?"now hes 33 has his own business and drives a porsche boxter,theres hope for all of us.

 

i once got asked if i would fit a series 3 landrover gearbox to a golf, as the guy reckoned he could then have rwd and 4wd as as when he pleased.........

 

i've just been told that a bloke i booked for tomorrow isn't coming in because he spoke to someone on friay afternoon who told him

so why tell me know?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

after buying a 3 series coupe my mum phoned my dad to say that they need to take it back to BMW as the rear wiper wasn't working