Cawood

just got this emailed too me, dunno if it is genuine or not tho

.Subject: FW: Genuine complaint the police in Leith.


(Apparently having done the rounds within the police
email system this one has gone public)


Dear Sir / Madam / Automated telephone answering service


Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone
at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon
the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as
to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke
signal, carrier pigeon or ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell
Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem
happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an
iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering
CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in
it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have
no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them
has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on
speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their
limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side
between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own
arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go
so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail
with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will
be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year
(probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the
street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing
again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what
policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of
one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a
four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration
at the problems caused by youths playing in the area, and the problems
you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would
like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a
personal record for Leith police station and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has
it's own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you
on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West
Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have
you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the
one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a
chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before
you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious
crimes taking place in Leith - such as smoking in a public place or
being a Muslim without due care and attention - is it too much to ask
for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at
a time) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange
football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs
are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you
should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have
still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself
lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

antony215

That bit fucking cracked me up

Taylor

iTrader: (1)

Quality!

Chip

iTrader: (3)

Sounds like a moaning old tosser wasting police time, then moaning they are too busy to answer, becase presumabley lots of other moaning old tossers are wasting police time

Good sarcasm/humour skills though

PT

ROFLMAO That was quality

R5FORD

iTrader: (1)

rapidcossie

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious
crimes taking place in Leith - such as smoking in a public place or
being a Muslim without due care and attention

i liked that bit

xxshepxx

pearoast

posted it in muppet room the other day

brilliant though,

'being muslim without due care and attention'

Rodge.

It is genuine!

Someone decided to email it "into the wild" though

BM08

Seen it a few days ago, but proper tears on one or two parts