vroooom ptssssh

WOMEN, KNOW YOUR LIMITS

tonyk

Friend of mine is as thick as 2 short planks or some of the people that post on here!

We went out for dinner one night and she was ordering a steak and the waitress asked how did she want it cooked, to which my friend replied,"In the oven" the waitress took it as a joke and asked her again and she said"What ever way is easiest for you" I wanted the ground to open up and a swallow me

Stu.H

apmsl

Good one for me


was booked into a rolling road day and had a reasonable sized system in my car

Before setting off, my other half said,

"Wont you get more power if you take the sub out the boot?"

SPADGE

One Sunday morning walking around the car boot sale based at the Greyhound stadium in MK. Looking round the stalls in the middle of the track the wife spots a dog turd on the floor and says 'Thats disgusting! They shouldn't allow dogs in here

Steve200+

@ these

My contribution, my mate's ex-fiance, blonde and loving it... We'd just decorated their lounge, above the dado rail.

Us : Thank Christ we've done that, what a ballache.
Her : The lower half won't take so long will it? there's less corners...

No cleverness, it's just a square room.

stevenebm

iTrader: (6)

my girlfriend and i talking about dogs pulling sleds and she was like yeh id love one of thos siamese huskys......think she meant siberian or somthing all i could think about was these dogs pulling sleds with two heads...women eh

kevandalice

that'll be a 710 lid then

jamesers20004x4

back in essex, pitsea to be precise there is one of them tempory flyover things thats become permenant

any way its been there for as long as i remember, and its always had this sign on it........ "road liable to ice"


one day whilst driving over it my lovely wife turns round to me and says "I know........ i know why the bridge is liable to ice............



its cos of the water

It's Czech Mate

Sitting on the beach in Aberystwyth, you can see the north coast of Wales hazy in the distance.

Ex-Girlfriend turns round and says....."Is that America?"

Neil@FastFord

my mrs does some fookin classics!


recently i was talkin about an albino i went to school with and she turns round and says

"oh is that one of those who live in igloo's"

"ha ha, no thats a fookin eskimo not an albino"


fookin daft splitarse!

Mr Whippy

PMSL at some of these.......

My Mrs: Do you want a blowjob??
Me: ........................What do you think??

My mrs is quite an intelligent sort too, lol

Nick_RSIFEZ

ex's mate showing us her new house! " we need to get all these architects of the ceiling and tops of the walls, it looks well nasty "

me "don't you mean artex (spl) "

jamesers20004x4

isnt artex the horse from "the never ending story"

Jemma

I always say stoopid things, but never something as silly as a male mate of mine

Me.. Jan says will go and get some bacon
Paul.. Im barred from Iceland
Me... Go Butchers
Paul... Do butchers sell bacon?



Mish a really really dumb friend of mine (anyone who knows her will agree)

We was at Muk3 an she had her shoes off, an was wearing them glove type socks, me Ajc n y bird managed to believe her that she was meant to have 6 toes, she then went home an sat her mum down an asked her

Another one of hers was, On a sunday we was meant to meet at ice skating at 7.. the clocks went forward that mornin, she said "do we meet at the new 7 or the old 7?"

bigwelshlad

whos got the biggest beer belly me or you? shes a large lass too !

Mark 3D

iTrader: (29)

Why is Paul barred from Iceland?

collierm

My missus is quite intelligent, but I still can't work out what she asked me here.

Sat watching TV, she turns round and asks me what you call those people that live underneath the London Underground??

To this day, I have no idea what she was talking about.

Jemma

That story was from 6 years ago just 1st funny thing that popped into my head (how sad) He was barred because he tried nickin i think.. god knows i aint seen him for past bet of 5 years

MWF

Girlfriend came out with

"I don't tend to agree with history as a rule"

Friends sister came out with

"Do you think we will ever be able to travel at the speed of time"

"I wont pick one up with my hands, they smell hot"

mk1escortfan

The enemy was complaining about her body one day..

"Im only happy with myself from the knees down"

So I said, "What with feet like that !"....

Then the fight started !



-----------------------------------------------------
Http://mk1escort.org

rog

iTrader: (2)

Driving along in the car for a weekend away with the mrs.

Her " Oh look there's a hijacker"
Me (crying at this) "No it's a hitchiker"
Fail...........
Then i think i uttered some comment about not stopping just incase he had a gun and took us hostage.

Kris_23

Said to a girl that was coming round mine if she fancied Chilli con carne for dinner, she replied "what's that? So i said minced beef with a chilli sauce and kidney beans. She replied "Kidney beans isn't that an illness?!

RichieST

iTrader: (2)

Holy thread from 3 and a bit years ago batman

BDBCOS

We were watching news at ten a few months back. There was a feature regarding 2 gay male penguins that had hatched out an egg from another hen penguin. I knew something was coming, and my wife asked HOW DOES THAT WORK!!!,meaning how do two male birds feed a chick,to which I replied, birds dont breast feed their young. She immediatly realised what she had said. I should add that my wife is a very intellegent woman which made the moment even funnier.

Kris_23

Another one from the same girl.

Said i went to a turkish restaurant she replied "Erghh i dont like turkey's let alone eating them"

gramsey

my x said . . Gray i know how to drive an automatic but where's the clutch

Typical blonde ey lol where she lacked knowledge she made up for it in other departments 10 fold

rog

iTrader: (2)

Holy sh1t, never looked at the post before the one i replied to, why do people do that?

JamesH

iTrader: (21)

WINNER

mozzy

My ex was doing my head in one day when i was working on my car, i asked her to go in the house and get me a left handed screw driver, about 20 mins later she comes out with her mum and says "be back in a bit just popping to uncle darrens" i never thought no more of it. when they came back she put her foot right up my arse as she just went to her uncles looking for a left handed screw driver lmfao

RichieST

iTrader: (2)

Similar to that one, I told my mrs I couldn't put the shelf up because I had lost the bubble that goes in the spirit level

In other words I couldn't be fooked to do DIY that day, just wanted to sit in front of the telly drinking beer

Pardeep

Her - 'Whats that washing powder they use in washing machines?'
Me - 'urrmmm Washing Powder?'
Her - 'Oh Yeah'

kniterider

arnt the people who live under the london underground the wombles?

TurboShed

I had started to enjoy drinking brandy & lemonade in bars. So one day I told my mrs to pick up some brandy in the supermarket.

She came back brandishing a bottle of cooking brandy, I said "WTF why did you buy that cheap crap?", she said "it was the only brandy they had", I said "a big supermarket will have had a dozen different brands!", she said "no, there was none, they only had this cooking brandy, it was on the same shelf of loads of this stuff called 'cog-nack'"

TurboShed

dp

burnzy

mine told me she wanted the car validating, i sat there confused then she said how they will clean all of it properly, i then realised she meant valeted

i also wondered what a bolotomy was on this program she was watching and found out it was labotomy

few other gooduns but can't remem them atm.

ossie cossie

My Mrs was working for a mining company as the PA to the CEO every morning she use to make him a cuppa and buiscuits, one day she was doing just this when there was only one buisut left, so she said to him, (sorry Doug i forgot to get more buiscuits there is only one left,) I WILL TOSS YOU FOR IT. He calmly replied no need for that alison if you want it that badly you can have it.

Another time she was on the phone to me asking how to check the oil level in the automatic gearbox of her car, so i told her it has a dipstick and if its low you have to put it down the dipstick hole. little did i know that after she hung up she also checked the engine oil , and you guessed it she tried to put engine oil down that dipstick as well, she called me back going off on the phone saying she was going to send a letter to mitsubishi complaining about how are you supposed to put oil in the engine, i said wait a min where are you trying to put the oil in? then it clicked.
What made it worse was that she was trying to do it in the dark and my son was holding a torch, but the concentration span of a six year old was about 5 seconds, so the torch was all over the place and so was the oil. I would have loved to been there, even the boy was getting an earfull.


I told he it doesn,t matter what colour you dye your hair you will always be BLONDE.

jimatron

a couple from my sister

"is Billy Connolly, Sean Connery's dad?"
"which part of the chicken does the skin come from?"

a few from my mates mrs are the best tho.

in a lift in a multi story car park - "you know how going down makes my knees funny."

talking about radio stations and programs. "on the way to work i listen to Moyles, and on the way back i flick it off.."

last 1 was a friend we met on holiday when i was like 15 we were playing what we called the name game, where u say a famous persons name and the next person says a famous person who's name starts with the first letter of the previous names surname(if that makes sence) anyway we were sitting in a circle and it came to her go and it was E and she couldn't think of anybody so some1 whispered Ewan Thomas in her ear and she blurted out "what about me an Thomas?!"

there has been a hell of a lot more but can't think right now.

RS 5tu

iTrader: (2)

I was going to buy the new wii resort and the mrs wanted it too so i said,
ME: "shall we put half each?"
MRS :"No"
ME: "How About 60% 40%?"
MRS: " I didnt know it was £100"
ME: "..........................."

Barry_GTi

Not the Missus but too good not to share.

I grew up in Liberia West Africa for 10 years and my Dad was a Telecoms Engineer for a mining company. One day he was out on the line at a station and got a call that another station had gone off line, so he radioed back to some Liberians at base and told them to go out in a pickup to see what it was. Conversation:

Dad: Take pickup 10 and make sure it has fuel in it.
Idiot: Ok, Bossman.

About an hour later he is radioed from base to say that the guys had broken down and could he attend on his way back, which he does

Dad: So what's wrong with it?
Idiot: No idea Bossman just stopped running.
Dad: You checked fuel like I said?
Idiot: Yes Bossman, plenty fuel, plenty fuel.
Dad: Try start it......

Nothing........

Dad jumps in and looks, the fuel gauge is empty.........

Dad: There's no fucking fuel in it!!
Idiot: No Bossman, plenty fuel, we checked before leaving.
Dad: Well what does this fucking say then?
Idiot: Yes sir, see it has plenty.
Dad: What do you think the 'E' means?
Idiot: 'Enough' Bossman.
Dad(in fucking stitches but has to know): So what about the 'F'?
Idiot: 'FINISHED'

Rick Astley

Driving south from Blackpool to Droitwich down the M6, girlfriend turns to me and asks me why they have a sign for Newcastle Under Lyme when we're going south.

She didn't know Newcastle Under Lyme and Newcastle Upon Tyne were different places.

*sigh*