Psycho Warren

iTrader: (5)

Obviously this is a can of worms.....

Now basically my dad is a bastard.

Hes the kind of man who gets married, has kids then dissapears and so far hes on his 3rd marriage and 4th kid. All now grown up....

The only one hes paid any money for is the current one with his current wife, the rest he fucked off then had nothing to do with them and avoided paying a single penny....

This is despite him working in the oil industry on a good salary that was near 6 figures, so he blatently had the ability to pay if hed wanted to.

Hes still married and in his late fifties now but is not far off dying due to developing CJD and slowly becoming a vegetable then he will die from pneumonia as most CJD patients do......his life expectancy is about a year or so they say.

Strangely hes since knowing hes going to die wanted to get to know his abandoned offspring - obviously to settle his own guilt so he can die in "peace". 2 of us (me included) dont want to see him at all as to be frank, whats in it for us?? Nothing! Having not had a dad in my life so far what will having one for 6 months do?? nothing good that i can see. Even if i did like him whats the point in getting close to someone who is turning into a vegetable and who is going to have a horrible death (horrible for him and those who have to care/watch it happen).

All that would cause is more upset and anguish. Hardly in my interests!!

Strange considering 4 years ago my gibraltarian grandparents stitched me up and rung him when i was there and he didnt want to know me then!!

Obviously im pissed off at the cunt for daring to think he can just dissapear and reappear when he chooses without ever actually even trying to contribute to being a parent.

So i was wondering if i could sue him. He never paid maintenance despite attempts by CSA to find him (yeah its really hard to find someone on electoral register whos paying taxes via PAYE ) so ineptitude of CSA and deception by him no doubts!!

I wonder if i could sue him for the unpaid CSA payments and take it from his estate when he dies??

Surely a debt such as this can never become "statute barred" like consumer debt can???

By the way its not about actually getting a penny in my pocket, i wouldnt care if it was all lost in legal costs, its out of principle after hes done so little yet owes so much.....

Any ideas???

**caz**

a difficult situation.....

i dont know if there is any way of "sueing" him as such tbh, citizens advice would be your first port of call i think!

I also dont see my dad, for different reasons to yours, he is now in a dementia home (i might add this was brought on my many years of alcohol abuse!) I didn't see him for 2 years through choice....then in January this year he was taken into hospital claiming it was 1986 and all sorts, well after much contemplation....do i or dont i go see him etc....i thought for my interest and my interest only it would be a good idea to go see him cos if anything was to happen...i had seen him.....

Since that day i have not seen him once and i dont plan on it again....all seeing him does is send me back down hill again and for my health i wont put myself through that again! Even though seeing him back in January messed me up again, im glad i did it, i couldn't live with the possible regret of not going to see him....it just proved to me by going that i have no feeling or respect for him AT ALL....

If you have any chance of regretting not seeing him....even if its just the once....do it for yourself....not for him....but yourself!

Hope that helps

x

foreigneRS

get over it and get on with your life. no point wasting energy in negativity.

Adam.

+1 my dad done a bunk when i was born, thought id track him diwn to meet him, then found out he died 6 weeks before i tracked his address down what did i learn?............somethings are best left alone

Barry_GTi

Just ignore the cunt, unless there is a chance of some cash, if so then stitch him up good.

packman

Id let it lie and there might be a slim chance of him siting there by himself thinking if only id hadent been such a twat , then again maybe he would not.

JEEMO

My Dad never paid anything for me since the day I was born so I know how it feels. When i went to the Academy then there was a girl who claimed to be my stepsister, who i didnt believe. Turns out she was my stepsister and my Dad had died so there was no way of getting anything. I still hate him for putting my Mum through everything and making her bring me up alone.

S1

I'm aware you have had certain problems in the past so is it possible that by meeting him you may be able to get rid of some of the "demons" in your head? You say you're not that bothered but what you're planning does show signs of wanting some revenge. If that really isn't the case then I would say just walk away and forget about it mate.

Apologies if i'm way off the mark.

matts1

meet the cooont, tell him what a huge negative effect his actions had on your life.

Tell him if he wants to 'make up' then give you the ability to replace some of the happy times you missed in life with some cash and as you lift you beer on a sunny beach somewhere nice, you will raise a toast and think of him.

Remember, if he REALLY is trying to rid his guilt, a gentle well spoken conversation that lets him know that his actions in life made difficult times for others will hurt more than anything as he has to face the truth. I am sure you don't want to make up, but you do sound like you would like him to know the above, so tell him - don't yell and scream, just lay it on the line.

What ever you do don't bank on a will, he may tuck you up twice if he leaves you nothing in it after you make up lol!!

timrud

As posted it above, it seems all your bothered about is his money :S

Pete frst

your gonna have to think long and hard,your dads lived his life how he wanted while neglecting his fatherly responsibility's,now he's taking stock of his life and he knows full well his shortcomings hence trying to make contact with his children....
its not about tit for tat,you be the adult,go see him,hear what he's got to say,do this for yourself,its the only way and then see where it leads you......

C_H_R_I_S

I didn't see my dad for about 15 years, then one day i received a letter out of the blue. I refused to see him or even reply to the letter. He died about 3 months later. As much as I hated him for what he put my mum through, I now regret not seeing him just to get some answers for myself. Go see him, explain what him not being there has done to your life (if it's had a negative effect) you may feel better about it after getting some answers.

snOOpy86

iTrader: (1)

When i was about 10 my dad left and pissed of to germany avoiding CSA untill me and my brother were both over 18, he remarried and had another child while away and came back to the Uk about 3-4 years ago i now have very little to do with my dad and hadnt spoken to him for nearly 2 years untill the other week when he called me after getting my number from my brother.
I still havent been to see him and am not bothered if i do or not as he has no real influence on my life and i feel like he has never been there for me!

But if i found out he was dyeing i would want to make more of an effort just to please my self in knowing that i tried to put the past behind us and that i will not feel guitly that i hadnt made an effort, but would i fuck ask for a penny from him! Havent needed his money and i certainly do not want any now!

fuzzy

yep, because every problem in life can be solved with hard cash.
same sort of situation with me, no contact for 30 years until a few years ago. i was pissed off at first but we got over it. and no money changed hands.

neilm

I cant see how you can sue someone for a debt that isnt yours.

The money should have been paid to your mother, not you. Its not your money, never was, never will be.

However it would appear what goes around comes around, act like a cock, get CJD in return, all the money in the world cant reverse that one, so if you believe in Karma he's just got his just deserts.


As for going to see him, well thats only a decision you can make yourself, I think you have to ask yourself how you will feel when you get the call to say he has died. if you think you will feel some sadness and regret then perhaps you should go and see him, if you think you will feel nothing then fook him.

Just make sure his solicitor has your address in case he decides to leave you more than the contents of his bed pan.

RSTurboSI

iTrader: (1)

Hes a basted! Let him stay one. fuck the money side of thing... he didnt make the effort with you then why the fuck should you let him back into your life because hes dieing, thats his problem, not yours.

and Im not sure on the CSA laws.

last, hes let you down, not only in funding for a better childhood, but let down in so many other ways

RSTurboSI

iTrader: (1)

wrong the money is to be paid for the children. Its to support the children. things that are needed. Food, Clothes, ect ect.

its not for HIS mother, its to go to his mother to be used for the CHILDREN she has, or the one child she has, in this case warren

Retro Al

iTrader: (1)

If you did try and sue it would take years and he would be dead by then

FletchCossie

iTrader: (4)

I haven't spoke to my dad in about 6-7 years the last thing we said was:

Dad: Give me a ring
Me: No, you got both my numbers, ring me.

I had to contact him after a month. Leaving my mobile numbers on his home answer phone, but I never heard anything back and he sent a message through my brother. I couldn't be arsed after that as he never bothered with me.

I thought I would send him a Christmas card last year, included my mobile number in it and wrote "Give me a call".

He sent a message through my brother saying "Can you send another card and include my new wife's name in it". His new wife is the reason we don't talk (She's tried seperating us from my Dad and if you want anything from him, he gets us to ask her, which is a fucking joke)

Now my brother and I haven't bothered with him since.

I will regret not talking to him if he dies and I don't see him, but his not an important part of my life atm and I don't think about him often. I would like to go see his new house and say hello one day.

Rod-Tarry

Your problem is with the CSA not your father, they are responsible for not collecting your fathers debt according to law. Several have tried to sue them but you wont win im sure.

neilm

As I said, the money should have been paid to his mother. We all know what maintenance is meant to be for

But you cant retrospectively sue someone for something you think you should have had, when the money was never yours to have in the first place.


What you meant to do ? Say... 'Well I think my father should have paid my mother £50 a week and out of that I should have had £5 pocket money, and my mother should have spent another £25 of the money on clothes, so I am owed that aswell'


If this was America you could probably sue for some shit like emotional distress

1.9 xr2 on 40's

from my view i'd say hes trying to get him where it hurts, money!

good on him, cant you go tell him you want to get his signature as a tattoo and if he could just sign this bit of paper/ will it'll all be sweet
maybe later when hes a bit more 'lathargic'

sbd16v

im 27 years old and have not seen my mum in 25 years, i dont want to see her she is not a part of my life and i hold no feelings for her.

it feels very much from your post that you DO have feelings for you dad, it sounds like your angry but dont let that anger cloud the fact once he is gone thats it.

rubish is he has CJD then very soon he will not care for such simple things as money, its not like you can take it with you

there are always 2 sides to a story

Turner RS

You cant choose your parents. IMO they created you and gave you life, no matter what he/they have done to you life is better than not being born. Your father wanting to see the abandoned kids is kinda nice and you can see that it takes alot sometimes to realise what an arse you have been, by God he is paying now. Go to him you dont have to forgive him just hear him out and give respect to the fact you are here. As for suing your dying father, sick IMHO!

ballin

iTrader: (1)

Your grandparents are Llanitos? You poor bastard

About your prediciment though, I have no idea mate do what you gotta do.

Rax

iTrader: (1)

Warren I wouldn't bother tbh,whats the point of maybe or could have been ?.My father left my mother my sister and me when I was one,I am now nearly 37.No contact or financial help from day one so whats the point now.The only thing that used to piss me right off when I was a kid was if he walked past me in the street and totally ignored me but strangely his new wife or her parents would speak !!
The next time I go to see him will be when he is going in the hole,not before and not after.Another thing is would you be able to control that much stored up anger if you met him,I dont think I could if I had to be face to face with my father now.

dazoriginal

firstly suing a dying family member is so wrong
my parents split up when i was just a baby now i'm 30
not much money changed hands for upkeep etc from what i can remember
i really don't know my dad but i will talk to him etc whenever i see him
which is not very often you just need to move on and be positive
forget suing just asking for trouble

dazoriginal

oh and another thing why wait till now
could this not have been sorted sooner ?

Charlie Chalk

iTrader: (1)

Why would you want to get money off someone who is dying, weather they have been there for you or not. If you don't know him as a dad, keep it that way.

I can understand your bitterness to some extent, But get on with your life.

PAUL S

iTrader: (8)

The odds of any single one of us ever existing at all are so small that it makes winning a huge sum on the lottery a piece of piss.

You rightly have a lot of anger towards him, but just think without him you would not have been born.

Just that tiny contribution years ago helped you become the person you are.

On that basis count your blessings and enjoy life, why not go and tell him exactly how you feel, it will help you vent some anger rather than bottle it up, otherwise it will gnaw away inside you long after he is gone.

Good luck

Glenn_

iTrader: (1)

Rather you than me.

Psycho Warren

iTrader: (5)

Thing is ive never had a relationship with my "dad" and i have no memories of him. So ive got nothing to have any positive feelings on him, just the negatives that hes had no contact, not supported his own kids and not given a shit for my whole childhood/early adulthood yet he suddenly expects me to do what he wants now?? He didnt even write a letter by his own hand after my mothers death!!! Regardless of his situation with his new wife/family, that is inexcusable.

Im not sure how practical suing him is, to be fair, from what ive been told it may be cheaper to stake a claim on his estate after his death. Although it depends on where he dies as he lives in scotland, where under thier laws i have inheritance rights, where as elsewhere the laws are different down here, thats if he doesnt go to the netherlands where his wifes half of the family live.

TBH if i didnt get a penny and it all went in legal costs i would be happy. He cant settle his life of fuck ups just before he dies "just like that" and expect everyone to jump when he clicks his fingers. He didnt make the effort to be a dad or even support his kids so what gives him the right to have that relationship now on purely his terms??? Rememeber it wont be long before hes a dribbling vegetable so its very one sided, only he has to gain.

I dont believe in people getting automatic redemption just because they are dying! Dying a unfortunately horrible death doesnt make up for a massive list of wrongs throughout his life!

I know it would probably upset my half sister and some other family members if i refused to talk to him. Maybe just doing nothing would be best option as time would take over??

Im not sure what I can do to salvage the rest of my family relationship, nor do i actually know if its something i need?

Rs Baz

you dont want to know him but yet your trying to get money out of him .....

why are you trying to get money out of him in my eyes he doesnt owe you anything did you pay for everything you needed, ?????

if anything no one gets a penny it goes to the goverment doesnt it, as thay are paying for the up keep of many kids due to single parent etc,

my dad was paying for 17 years mum has just found out and she isnt happy as she didnt see a penny of it and didnt even know dad was paying for it, she didnt even get any extra money that she had for us

Psycho Warren

iTrader: (5)

RS baz you are confusing the benefits system and child maintenance. The benefits system determines how much you need to live on then makes up the difference between child maintenance paid and what amount you need to live on if the dad is paying direct to parent.

Child maintenance is a declarable income remember.

If the money from the absent parent is collected off CSA then it offsets the benefits paid as almost certainly the CSA money is less than benefits money. So yes your mum did recieve every penny of it in her benefits. Had your dad paid the money in cash then her benefits would have been reduced pound for pound. (recently theyve changed the rules).

So either way youd have had no more money than you had unless your dad was a high earner and could pay far more than the benefits income.

anyway thats not the point.... the point is he understands money. Money is what the state determines as minimum contribution to a childs upbringing and he couldnt even be bothered to pay that, DESPITE having loads of money!!!

NO ONE earning £80k can justify not paying child maintenance, EVER!!

I dont even want the cash, if any one deserves it, it should go to my gran who bought me and my brother up on just her pension money and some hand outs by family. Its about principle!!!

Rs Baz

oh no she didnt

she had a letter last week for her to fill in about the details of my dad it said

can you please confirm that the details below is correct i.e his address name etc....

we didnt have a clue about it and why ask to confirm his details after 17 years the last she heard is he doesnt need to pay anything thay took him to court and never said anything to mum about it and her benefits stayed the same she never got anything extra that he was paying

also he done the last payment 2 months ago,

Psycho Warren

iTrader: (5)

you missed my point..... she wouldnt get any extra penny which ever way she works it if shed followed the rules.

If shes not working and relying on benefits and child maintenance then the benefits agency reduce your benefit pound for pound on declared child maintenance paid direct by father. This is because the government says she needs £xxxx money a week to live on. and if shes getting £yyyy from the father they deduct it because the way they see it why should the government pay more than the minimum money needed????

Lots of people get round it by not declaring cash in hand from fathers, but CSA tighten up on that.

Thats why when you go through CSA it makes no difference to the mother how much money the father pays in CSA because its offset against benefits paid out. Thats how it works.

Obviously you dont see that as she will have got just child benefit, income support, HB etc so you dont see any CSA payment.

If for example she had a job and was not on benefits she would have had CSA payments from CSA. But obviously the CSA payments of your dad were less than the benefits paid out in income support/HB/ CTB etc hence why you saw nothing on paper.

A simple example. a mum gets £250 a week in benefits. the dad starts paying £50 a week in cash. her benefits will reduce to £200 a week more or less.

If the dad pays via CSA her benefits will stay at £250 a week.

Its not the states job to provide a comfortable living for people. benefits are for survival purposes.

Recently theyve decided to change the law so a mother will get more of the CSA money.

macca33

You need to get the puma finished asap!! Try get some money out of him

Contest the will?

Psycho Warren

iTrader: (5)

thing is if i dont get an actual penny it doesnt matter. Its more about him understanding he cant just come and go from his kids lives when he pleases and expect sudden unrelenting forgiveness just so he can die in peace.

He needs to live with his actions and if suing him is what it takes to make him realise that then so be it.

Its not like hes some jeremy kyle special benefit dole scrounger who didnt know any better, he knew what he was doing and was on a pretty fortune for the majority of his working life so hes got no excuses.

if he dies in scotland ive got automatic claim to a bit of his estate anyway lmao at puma money if he goes to netherlands im fucked