whats the funniest jokes you know !
15-10-2008, 10:23 PM
#2
Almost there!
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one i recieved today, which did make me laugh.
two blokes sitting in the pub.
first bloke says to the other
"i fucked your mum last night, we did everything, she sat on my face, rubbed her tits up and down my cock, she let me fuck her doggy style. she then finished me off by sucking me until i came in her mouth"
then the other guy replied
"lets go home dad, i think youve had far to much to drink"
two blokes sitting in the pub.
first bloke says to the other
"i fucked your mum last night, we did everything, she sat on my face, rubbed her tits up and down my cock, she let me fuck her doggy style. she then finished me off by sucking me until i came in her mouth"
then the other guy replied
"lets go home dad, i think youve had far to much to drink"
16-10-2008, 10:01 PM
#4
Redumbdancy
Perhaps a little sick, but my mate told me today so i won't take any responsibility for this one:
"Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes? Madeline McCann jokes grow old".
Sorry!
"Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes? Madeline McCann jokes grow old".
Sorry!
16-10-2008, 11:16 PM
#6
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One of those jokes you go "oooh..." straight afterwards :P
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16-10-2008, 11:52 PM
#12
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Here's one I read on here a while ago & it still makes me laugh
A bloke goes to the shop & says to the bird behind the counter " I'll have a KitKat Chunky" the woman goes & gets him a KitKat Chunky & the bloke says "No, I wanted a normal KitKat you fat cunt"
ROFL
A bloke goes to the shop & says to the bird behind the counter " I'll have a KitKat Chunky" the woman goes & gets him a KitKat Chunky & the bloke says "No, I wanted a normal KitKat you fat cunt"
ROFL
17-10-2008, 12:15 AM
#14
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PMSL
17-10-2008, 12:30 AM
#19
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Irish man walks past a pub with a sign in the window sayin "Pies 50p,Wanks 10p".. thinkin this was too good to be true,he walks in to the pub,and sees a gorgeous,tall,busty blonde behind the counter...
"Are you the 1 that does the wanks" says Paddy
"Yes" says the girl behind the bar"
"Well go wash your hands,i want a pie"!!
Shit,but its late,and all i can think off atm!!!
"Are you the 1 that does the wanks" says Paddy
"Yes" says the girl behind the bar"
"Well go wash your hands,i want a pie"!!
Shit,but its late,and all i can think off atm!!!
17-10-2008, 12:32 AM
#21
LOL
Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.
------------------------------------------------------------
Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.
------------------------------------------------------------
They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
------------------------------------------------------------
Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."
------------------------------------------------------------
The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".
It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!
------------------------------------------------------------
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
17-10-2008, 12:34 AM
#22
Fucking superstar........
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Depends on the engine. But normally it's around 12 hours.
We stage the loading on the engine over the running in period, but when we're done, full power and not a second thought.
With a car engine, if you varie the load right, you could run it in in a day!
We stage the loading on the engine over the running in period, but when we're done, full power and not a second thought.
With a car engine, if you varie the load right, you could run it in in a day!
17-10-2008, 12:34 AM
#23
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Had an accident? Have you been injured at or at work, on the roads? Have you tripped or fallen over and hurt yourself? Have you had to spend time off work because you fell over in the street?
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU CLUMSY TWAT.
Benni.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU CLUMSY TWAT.
Benni.
17-10-2008, 12:38 AM
#24
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
------------------------------------------------
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
------------------------------------------------
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
------------------------------------------------
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
------------------------------------------------
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
------------------------------------------------
Not My Kind Of Date
A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
------------------------------------------------
There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.
------------------------------------------------
There once was a rector from Kings,
Who's mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who's ass was like jelly on springs.
Who's mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who's ass was like jelly on springs.
------------------------------------------------
There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
17-10-2008, 12:48 AM
#28
2 pieces of grey tar walk into a bar, orders drinks and looks for somewhere to sit...
They decided to sit on a table where a green piece of tar is sat quietly drinking...
As they get ready to approach the table to sit down the barman rushes over and pulls them to one side...
baman says " i wouldnt sit near him if i were you.... that tar's a CYCLE PATH"
They decided to sit on a table where a green piece of tar is sat quietly drinking...
As they get ready to approach the table to sit down the barman rushes over and pulls them to one side...
baman says " i wouldnt sit near him if i were you.... that tar's a CYCLE PATH"
17-10-2008, 12:56 AM
#30
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17-10-2008, 01:17 AM
#31
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17-10-2008, 09:31 AM
#32
slapper goes home to her house where her mother asks how business was
"it was shit, i only had one punter who only gave me Ł20 for a blowjob"
"don't worry love" says her mother, "i used to charge Ł2 when i was your age"
granny pipes up with "stop your complaining you 2, back in the day i was greatfull to have something warm in my belly"
"it was shit, i only had one punter who only gave me Ł20 for a blowjob"
"don't worry love" says her mother, "i used to charge Ł2 when i was your age"
granny pipes up with "stop your complaining you 2, back in the day i was greatfull to have something warm in my belly"
17-10-2008, 10:53 AM
#33
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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered...
...'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered...
...'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
17-10-2008, 11:10 AM
#35
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.
Last edited by ballin; 17-10-2008 at 11:20 AM.
17-10-2008, 11:19 AM
#38
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They've invented a new condom that cures premature ejaculation. It's coated on the inside with anaesthtetic.
The big advantage is that you can turn them inside out and have her up the wrong 'un and not have to wake her up and listen to her complaining.
The big advantage is that you can turn them inside out and have her up the wrong 'un and not have to wake her up and listen to her complaining.
17-10-2008, 12:17 PM
#39
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
17-10-2008, 12:17 PM
#40
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."