mercury grey minter

No offence,but that was SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

Benni

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

Benni

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Benni

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

Benni

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

dojj

iTrader: (3)

i've got loads, but they are all on a computer at home

but here is one

2 blondes walking down the road complaining about how stupid others perceve them to be
they spot a 3rd blonde in a field rowing a boat
"see, typicly dumb blonde, putting us all into the same category"
the second one says "damn straihgt, if only i could swim i'd go over and beat her up"

Dre.1983

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

mikedaf2

Two nuns in the bath, one says where's the soap the other one says yes it does doesn't it.

dojj

iTrader: (3)

and the laternative to that is

what do you call a pile of wheelcharis?

a vegetable rack

Benni

AFPMSL!

Benni

So wrong, yet so right.

dojj

iTrader: (3)

there was going to follow a long list of jokes, but seeing as they may be a bit offputting to some people i will not post them

i'm sorry if this ruins your day, but they are a bit off, really they are

so here is a nice clean one

there is a banging on the door at 6 in the morning and the wife opens the door and sees her husband standing there, stinking of booze and with lipstick on his collar
"i hope there's a good reason for this"
"yes" he says, "breakfast"

Paul Eggleton

Rudey - I think you'll like these

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=vX1CvW38cHA
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jSH6of...eature=related