Shandy-Ade

Ok not sure where to start but also want to keep it short.

My 13yr old niece is off the rails, sexually active staying out until late, abusing people, and not going to school, anyway social services were called in to see if they could help, she doesn't have any contact with her dad and her own brother & sister have give up.

Anyway last week she was told she would be going into care this week, so she started being good coming in early etc, so i said to my sister and niece that i would take her on she can come and live with me to save her going into care, all was well until thursday, friday, and last night where she never came in until gone 11:30 again.

So now i'm thinking f-it why should i bother when my niece cant help herself, my sister went to see a solicitor today and the solicitor rang me to see if i would take her on as basically i'm her last hope before care, i honestly think care will be a good thing but couldn't bear to let her go to care, i have a 7yr old boy that lives with his mum that i had to fight for contact for, so i just keep thinking if it were my child i'd be devastated.

Me and my niece get on really well, but i still feel i wouldn't be able to control her.

Just need some opinions, as i'm confused.

C4llyT

Keep her locked in her room?
Lock the doors and windows of the house so she can't get out?
No mobile, games console, sweets, money etc.
Week or two of that would have me behaving.

dazoriginal

that's a hard one mate being only 13 is a major problem as well as learning i would try to talk tell her the seriousness of things
you are willing to help if she can behave herself etc
and if not she's on her own, : respect for trying

Shandy-Ade

Exactly what i told her mother to do, but she kept kicking the door, the she ran out the first oppurtunity she had.

I've tried talking to her, but she's never got time to talk, what 13yr old has? she'll always find some way of distracting herself.

cjwood555

Have had this before and the only way would seem to talk to them on their level i.e. loudly and sternly, but it only works if everyone involved is willing to be as stern and not give an inch....as soon as some gives even a fraction of an inch it all goes pear shaped.....

C4llyT

Paying for the door will take a few weeks of pocket money then, when she earns it
Cruel to be kind is the way IMHO.

Katie

Is she ever going to school? Does she disappear on the way there and meet other people at the gates and fuck off? Can anybody drop her off? If she feels she's not being ''taken'' to school she may just be a bit lost and wandering about because she can...probably lacking ambition a bit too? Anything to focus on?

Does she have an unsteady home life which means she's craving attention from other people which is why she's playing up...? Does she feel like the least favourite sibling (even if she isn't)?

She probably just need somebody to set her some boundaries and be strict but have some faith in her. She might not be able to stop playing up now if she's tarred with the brush of being misbehaved...it's easier to play up to it than to convince people you are making the effort. I got worse when you felt like people were tutting at you.

There will be a reason why she's going off the rails and she could probably do with being sat down (even if it's happened many times before) and having somebody let her talk about why she does it. If you get on with her she can't be that bad, just a little disjointed. Tell her she can go out if you talk first...thus she gets to go out...and you get to listen to why she's being so wayward. Until you know a bit about what she's thinking you won't be able to do much for her.

I dare say she sounds like she's past the ''lock her in no money'' stage...as that'll just mean she has to be more devious in escaping and finding money....shoplifting even..

If she's used to coming in very late she's not going to be keen on being told to come back at 7pm (I didn't see if you said what time she had to be back?). Can you not say 9pm/10pm or something providing she texts to say where she is and is at a friends not just wandering the streets...and if she goes to school the following day? Past that she's going to be tired anyway. If people just bollock her and make rules she finds unreasonable she just won't listen. I'm 20 now and didn't listen to anyone who told me what time I had to come back. That was unreasonable.

I do think she'll have something to say if she feels it's worth telling you...and she feels you'll listen.

fuzzy

i think she sounds like she needs professional help. your only setting yourself up for lots of trouble but you're family so you have to help as a last resort before sending her into care if she poesnt change.

Shandy-Ade

Thanks for all the replies, with biggest regret i have decided not to put her up in the hope that her going into care will be the kick up the arse she needs

-beefy-

iTrader: (6)

fair play adi , its a big undertaking mate and youmay of let yourself into a hell of alot of disapointment if you couldnt help , hopefull care will help ,

i certainly wouldnt beat yourself up over it bud , there alot of people who wouldnt of even given it a thought ,


best of luck with ehr future mate , keep us all updated



beef

richard youll

tough one that very tough one, ive not seen my niece for 4 yrs due to a massive family fall out she was only 4 when i lost saw her the early years are the one you miss, but god it hurts, different i know but, i'd think about having a word with people around you and see if you can arrange for visits to womens refuges , police stations , watch a serious court case in the gallery with her , try them as shock tactics, and then offer her with open arms a loving home to have the oppertunity to turn her life around before she ends up in a place she doenst want to be in, give her the choice after that, then all you can do is watch her blossom or self destruct

Big G

Her going into care may just scare the shit out her and do everyone a favour.

Because of her age, she knows best, you may aswell talk to a brick wall. Dont go round bollocking her, she will be thinking 'Fuck off so i can go see my mates',
There is no easy way round it, there is no real proper advice as each kid is diffrent, just be patient and be there, she will come running 1 day.

Ive got 2 nieces, 18 and 13,
Luckily weve not had that many issues with them, stern words and comfort have got through most things, but there is time yet.

The dropping her off at school made me chuckle, I used to get walked into school by my dad as I was a twat for not going in, all I did was walk straight through the building and out of the back entrance, job well done Dad

Shandy-Ade

Cheers guys.

She was told this morning that i wasn't taking her in and now i'm out of order she came in last night at 11:45, with love bits all over her neck, it disgusts me as her b/f is 16/17 and she's 13 sick bastard.

R5FORD

iTrader: (1)

why dont you sort her boyfriend out?? and then maybe if she knows your gona sort him out she might be a lil better??

id batter my cousins if they were like this

nilrem

kick his shins in, then scare the shit out of her, by explaining to her that she is fucked in life as it is (even though this may not be the case if she calms down). i was scared shitless after being explained that if i dont get any grades i.e. C and above, then i will be doing fuck all for my life... it worked for me, and might work on her. be really frank with her, not too angry, but stern enough for her to know you mean it, then walk away and dont talk to her for a short while... might hit home then!

Shandy-Ade

No-one knows her b/f but my sister did tell social services but they haven't done nothing and they know of him as he's been in care.

Tried the grades thing, but she just says oh well, she'll be a single mum living on benefits

R5FORD

iTrader: (1)

mate you can find anyone with a phone number if yo try hard enough

sort him out and shel b alot better.. i can put money on it..

the boyfriend will be the one encouraging her to fuck around.. ffs she's 13, they dont know better.

nilrem

fair enuf mate!! she might be doing it to just get attention... maybie being taken into care might shock her into thinking... its not a nice thought, but it took my sister to be stuck in a dead end job earning alot less than her friends to realise she needed to do something... and she was pretty similar to your niece, at 13 had a 22y/o boyfriend... he got off lightly though, with only a threat... smoked and was rarely in before 11 at night...

nilrem

good luck with whatever happens though!

Shandy-Ade

Thanks mate

Big G

Is her birthday due?
Buy her a pram and a doll that cries and shits and tell her its to practice as the way she's going on it will be for real.


A guy i worked with a few year back found out his 14 year old daughter had been out smoking and drinking, so being the generous soul that he is, bought a bottle of Southern Comfort and 20 cigs, sat her down and made her drink as much as she could while chuffing away, needless to say she was a touch ill and delicate the next day, but didnt seem interested in smoking or drinking after that.

Stu.H

My mates mum did that to him, but he took to it

As for the 13yr old, tough one mate, as much as it pains me to say it, I'm guessing the initial problem is the parents