Monday jokes
11-10-2004, 03:19 PM
#1
Monday jokes
What's the similarity between a woman and KFC they both start off sexy
> with breast and thighs however you always end up with a greasy box to
> put your bones in.
> What's the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery
> boy, they both get to smell the goods but don't get to eat them.
> What's the similarity between a condom and a wife they both spend more
> time in your wallet than on your knob <<...OLE_Obj...>>
An Essex girl
> is crossing the road, when a XR3i hits her. As she is lying on the
> ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is all
> right.
> "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
> "Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
> Concerned the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
> He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
> Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the
> waist down an all!!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --=> ------------------------------------------------
> Cosmo survey that didn't quite make it into the
> recent edition - One for the lads.
> In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as
a. Lovemaking
b. Screwing
c. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
> You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
> both
> shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
> You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Match of the Day
> Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.
> Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
> tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
> You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
> Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
> the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
> A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
> of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
> Evaluating Results:
> * If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
> you really are a man.
> * If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
> little confused.
> * If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
> <<...OLE_Obj...>>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ------
> A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
> when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
> "Perfect" her husband, said, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
> penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's
> up to you!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ------------------------------------------
> <<...OLE_Obj...>> A man arrives in his office one morning to find his
> colleague roaring with laughter.
> "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
> "Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
> morning."
> "What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
> "Well, this morning I was queuing at the train station to buy a ticket
> from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter had
> enormous breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked for a
> return to Titting. The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the
> entire queue wet themselves laughing. See, a Freudian slip is when you
> mean to say something, but what comes out is what is really on your mind."
> "Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
> The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in
> the office first. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague arrived.
> "What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
> "Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
> "What happened?"
> "I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast. I looked
> over to my wife and instead of saying "Pass the milk, dear"
> I said "F**k off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ---------------------- <<...OLE_Obj...>> Women think they already know
> everything but wait, training courses are now available for women in
> the following subjects:
> Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman has gone before The
> Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
> Parties: Going Without New Outfits
> Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game
> Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
> Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills III: Getting what you want Without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
> Telephone Skills: How to hang Up
Introduction to Parking Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
Cooking III: How not to inflict Your Diets on Other People
> Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
> PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
> Dancing: Why Men don't like to
> Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
Oil and Gas: Your Car needs both
TV Remotes: For Men Only The Toilet: You can learn to leave the seat up
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Old couple meet in the nursing home-sneak off to an empty room, woman
> takes off her top, remembers her heart condition, says " I better tell
> you, I have acute angina" The man says " I hope so, that's the ugliest
> pair of tits I ever saw"
> with breast and thighs however you always end up with a greasy box to
> put your bones in.
> What's the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery
> boy, they both get to smell the goods but don't get to eat them.
> What's the similarity between a condom and a wife they both spend more
> time in your wallet than on your knob <<...OLE_Obj...>>
An Essex girl
> is crossing the road, when a XR3i hits her. As she is lying on the
> ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is all
> right.
> "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
> "Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
> Concerned the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
> He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
> Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the
> waist down an all!!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --=> ------------------------------------------------
> Cosmo survey that didn't quite make it into the
> recent edition - One for the lads.
> In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as
a. Lovemaking
b. Screwing
c. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
> You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
> both
> shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
> You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Match of the Day
> Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.
> Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
> tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
> You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
> Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
> the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
> A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
> of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
> Evaluating Results:
> * If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
> you really are a man.
> * If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
> little confused.
> * If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
> <<...OLE_Obj...>>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ------
> A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
> when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
> "Perfect" her husband, said, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
> penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's
> up to you!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ------------------------------------------
> <<...OLE_Obj...>> A man arrives in his office one morning to find his
> colleague roaring with laughter.
> "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
> "Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
> morning."
> "What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
> "Well, this morning I was queuing at the train station to buy a ticket
> from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter had
> enormous breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked for a
> return to Titting. The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the
> entire queue wet themselves laughing. See, a Freudian slip is when you
> mean to say something, but what comes out is what is really on your mind."
> "Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
> The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in
> the office first. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague arrived.
> "What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
> "Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
> "What happened?"
> "I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast. I looked
> over to my wife and instead of saying "Pass the milk, dear"
> I said "F**k off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> ---------------------- <<...OLE_Obj...>> Women think they already know
> everything but wait, training courses are now available for women in
> the following subjects:
> Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman has gone before The
> Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
> Parties: Going Without New Outfits
> Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game
> Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
> Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills III: Getting what you want Without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
> Telephone Skills: How to hang Up
Introduction to Parking Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
Cooking III: How not to inflict Your Diets on Other People
> Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
> PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
> Dancing: Why Men don't like to
> Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
Oil and Gas: Your Car needs both
TV Remotes: For Men Only The Toilet: You can learn to leave the seat up
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Old couple meet in the nursing home-sneak off to an empty room, woman
> takes off her top, remembers her heart condition, says " I better tell
> you, I have acute angina" The man says " I hope so, that's the ugliest
> pair of tits I ever saw"
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
M K
Shows & Track Days
16
08-11-2015 06:18 AM
oilman
Trader Parts for Sale.
5
30-08-2015 08:37 AM
