What's the similarity between a woman and KFC they both start off sexy

> with breast and thighs however you always end up with a greasy box to

> put your bones in.

> What's the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery

> boy, they both get to smell the goods but don't get to eat them.

> What's the similarity between a condom and a wife they both spend more

> time in your wallet than on your knob <<...OLE_Obj...>>



An Essex girl

> is crossing the road, when a XR3i hits her. As she is lying on the

> ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is all

> right.

> "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

> "Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

> Concerned the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

> He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

> Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the

> waist down an all!!

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --=> ------------------------------------------------

> Cosmo survey that didn't quite make it into the

> recent edition - One for the lads.

> In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as

a. Lovemaking

b. Screwing

c. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

> You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've

> both

> shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

> You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss Match of the Day

> Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £100 extra.

> Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You

> tell her that it is:

A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

> You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth

B. An oxymoron

C. A moron

Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

> Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at

> the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

> A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort

> of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

> Evaluating Results:

> * If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure

> you really are a man.

> * If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a

> little confused.

> * If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

> <<...OLE_Obj...>>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> ----

> ------

> A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed

> when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

> "Perfect" her husband, said, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my

> penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's

> up to you!"

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> ----

> ------------------------------------------

> <<...OLE_Obj...>> A man arrives in his office one morning to find his

> colleague roaring with laughter.

> "What's the big joke?" the man asks.

> "Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this

> morning."

> "What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.

> "Well, this morning I was queuing at the train station to buy a ticket

> from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter had

> enormous breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked for a

> return to Titting. The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the

> entire queue wet themselves laughing. See, a Freudian slip is when you

> mean to say something, but what comes out is what is really on your mind."

> "Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.

> The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in

> the office first. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague arrived.

> "What's so funny?" asked the colleague.

> "Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."

> "What happened?"

> "I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast. I looked

> over to my wife and instead of saying "Pass the milk, dear"

> I said "F**k off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life"

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> ----

> ---------------------- <<...OLE_Obj...>> Women think they already know

> everything but wait, training courses are now available for women in

> the following subjects:

> Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman has gone before The

> Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

> Parties: Going Without New Outfits

> Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game

> Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

> Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting what you want Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

> Telephone Skills: How to hang Up

Introduction to Parking Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

Cooking III: How not to inflict Your Diets on Other People

> Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

> PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His

> Dancing: Why Men don't like to

> Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Oil and Gas: Your Car needs both

TV Remotes: For Men Only The Toilet: You can learn to leave the seat up

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> Old couple meet in the nursing home-sneak off to an empty room, woman

> takes off her top, remembers her heart condition, says " I better tell

> you, I have acute angina" The man says " I hope so, that's the ugliest

> pair of tits I ever saw"