11 Rules for dating my daughter
14-12-2007, 12:08 AM
#1
11 Rules for dating my daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and hoot, you'd better be delivering something, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a contact zone in Angola. When that happens, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Eleven:
People who say "repost" on forums are utter fucktards who's only hobby in life is touching up their pets in a sexual manner, if you are one of them, then dont date my daughter in the first place as she could never bring you the level of excitement than your keyboard does anyway.....
If you pull into my driveway and hoot, you'd better be delivering something, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a contact zone in Angola. When that happens, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Eleven:
People who say "repost" on forums are utter fucktards who's only hobby in life is touching up their pets in a sexual manner, if you are one of them, then dont date my daughter in the first place as she could never bring you the level of excitement than your keyboard does anyway.....
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14-12-2007, 09:01 AM
#16
10K+ Poster!!
I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe
14-12-2007, 04:38 PM
#22
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Number 1 got me started no problems 
For some reason, thats sounds to me as if you've typed it all out and actually mean it and thought about it rather than pasting it or hearing it off somewhere
For some reason, thats sounds to me as if you've typed it all out and actually mean it and thought about it rather than pasting it or hearing it off somewhere
15-12-2007, 08:41 AM
#31
Originally Posted by AJC
Originally Posted by dojj
that sounds straight out of hogan knows best
never mind that there was a camera crew with them all the way through the "date" and if anything were to have happened he would know about it
and what about the one where brooke made the cover of american fhm and him and nick went around every shop in the nieghbourhood and bought every single copy they could just so that no one would see her in a skimmpy bikini
the guy is so over protective it's unreal
btw, his son, nick, is currently facing dangerous driving charges after apparently racing someone else (who was driving the hulksters car) and then having an accident which left his passenger with brian damage
no ammount of hulkamaniacs are going to stop you from being fucked mr nick bolea
15-12-2007, 04:42 PM
#35
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Gonna remember all that for my daughter.
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Shes only 2 at the moment...it will keep!!!!!!!
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Shes only 2 at the moment...it will keep!!!!!!!
15-12-2007, 10:10 PM
#36
Too many posts.. I need a life!!
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Re: 11 Rules for dating my daughter
Originally Posted by Chip-3Door
Rule Eleven:
People who say "repost" on forums are utter fucktards who's only hobby in life is touching up their pets in a sexual manner, if you are one of them, then dont date my daughter in the first place as she could never bring you the level of excitement than your keyboard does anyway.....
People who say "repost" on forums are utter fucktards who's only hobby in life is touching up their pets in a sexual manner, if you are one of them, then dont date my daughter in the first place as she could never bring you the level of excitement than your keyboard does anyway.....
Rule 11, gets thumbs up as well as i dont care if its a repost - i have never seen it, and its funny!!!
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