Classic Clarkson Quotes
14-08-2007, 10:13 AM
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Classic Clarkson Quotes
CLARKSON QUOTES
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in
your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963,
and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind
of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in
1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone
else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you
through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout
about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases."
" (mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the
tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax
and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was
riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it
does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go
and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the
show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very
important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its
gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found
out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave
us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot
that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the
paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper
time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core
adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with
a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get
my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I
guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in
your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963,
and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind
of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in
1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone
else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you
through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout
about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases."
" (mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the
tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax
and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was
riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it
does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go
and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the
show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very
important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its
gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found
out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave
us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot
that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the
paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper
time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core
adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with
a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get
my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I
guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
Trending Topics
14-08-2007, 12:38 PM
#10
Advanced PassionFord User
The one about the brakes on the Mercedes and hitting the tree is pure quality !!!!
He is one funny guy and Top Gear is one of the few programmes on tv these days i make a point of not missing, cant wait till its back on again.
He is one funny guy and Top Gear is one of the few programmes on tv these days i make a point of not missing, cant wait till its back on again.
14-08-2007, 01:04 PM
#14
Ford Focus Specialist
I don't care what people say against him.
The guy is a living legend and the last bastion against all this PC crap we are forced to accept these days.
This one pretty much sums it up for me!!!
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"
LMMFAO
The guy is a living legend and the last bastion against all this PC crap we are forced to accept these days.
This one pretty much sums it up for me!!!
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"
LMMFAO
14-08-2007, 01:07 PM
#15
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Originally Posted by JC
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
14-08-2007, 01:09 PM
#16
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"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
I remember that one... The look he gave the camera as he said it
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
I remember that one... The look he gave the camera as he said it
14-08-2007, 11:14 PM
#20
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Originally Posted by nilrem
Originally Posted by JC
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
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