Rob M666SCC

I'm bored so lets hear (or read ) ya best jokes...........

Heres my effort


A woman decides to have a facelift for her
50th birthday. She spends
£15,000 and feels pretty good about the
results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving,she says to the vendor "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am"

About 32," is the reply.
Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the assistant this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then,
and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches
each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After
a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says,"Madam,
you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell"
The old man says, "Promise you won't be cross"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."

Doug

Bang on



Regards Doug .

The DIVA

iTrader: (3)

c.h.r.i.s

Ian M500COS

Now that's a good one!!

Jasesapphy

iTrader: (1)

No offenceto scousers but this did make me laugh

Scouser goes to the job centre and asks 'i would like a job and i want to work'

Careers adviser says 'i have the perfect job, you will go all over the world driving supermodels to there asignments, all expences paid and good salary'

Scouser said 'your bull shitting me'

Careers adviser replys 'well you started it'

dave cos4x4

iTrader: (5)

Pete.W

fpmsl at both

Katie

@ both

Rob M666SCC

Rob M666SCC

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. She always wore miniskirts, and generally was bra less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is:















Always keep your condoms in your car.

Jasesapphy

iTrader: (1)

Diary Entry

Her Diary

1st May 2006

a bad day he has been really quiet, going into a world of his own, is not my usual man, i think im going to lose him, ithink he may have fell out of love.
He is cold, unaffectionate, i seem more of a hindrence, i feel hurt betrayed, i love him so much i could weap a tear, he looks at me like there is no love.
Jus a distant look, i wish he would hold me and love me.
I went to bed alone he stayed down stairs, he came up at mid night and made love like i never had before, he then turned over and went to sleep, was this the last passionate moment of our lives together


Man Diary

Shit day, depressed, Rooney out of world cup !!!! but i got a shag though

Doug

Trevor and Brian walking down the street on there way to the pub and bump into an old mate Andy they have not seen for a couple of years ,

Trevor asks " what you been upto Andy to wich he reply's iv'e been at Uni studying LOGIC

Dased and confused Trevor asks how the fook do you study logic ?

At that point Brian say's im gonna head of to the pub and get a couple in as its near last orders

Andy reply's I would have to give you an example ""


Do you have any fish ?
Yes andy, trevor reply's
How many ?
about 50 !

Right 50 fish far to many to have in a tank you must have a fish pond ?

Yes thats correct !
Fish pond that means you have a big garden ?
Yes reply's Trevor!
ok big garden you must have a nice big house ?
Yes sai's Trevor !
Big house reply's Andy you must have a well paid job !
Yes thats correct reply's Trevor !
Well paid job you have got a flash car !!!
Yes that' correct reply's Trevor !
Flash car you have a well fit Mrs!!!!!!!
Yes I think she is a bit of all right reply's Trevor !
Well fit mrs good sex life ! YOU DO NOT MASTERBATE !!!! Reply's Andy ........

Well fook me sai's Trevor that absolutly correct ! and you can find out all this information just by asking me if I have any Fish ?

Yes Trevor thats what LOGIC is all about !!

Well at that point they part ways and trevor proceeds to the pub where Brian is waiting with a fresh pint in hand ,

Brian asks Trevor what's Andy been upto ?
To which he reply's he has been at Uni studying LOGIC!
LOGIC ????? Reply's Brian how the hell do you study LOGIC ???

I would have to give you an example reply's Trevor ! Do you have any fish ?

No reply's Brian !!!






YOU MUST BE A WANKER THEN !!!



Regards Doug .

c.h.r.i.s

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Rob M666SCC

Rob M666SCC

A German businessman was in London on a buiness trip, and after he finished the meetings, he wanted to have sex. So he goes to the red light district, and finds a woman. He askes how much it is for a session. £100, the woman replies. So he says ok, but only if you do it my way. So she thinks about it and agrees and they go back to his hotel room.
Once there, he pulls out of a bag four coil springs and a duck whistle, and asks that she put on the springs, one on each knee, and one on each arm, and put the duck whistle in her mouth. She thinks it's a bit wierd, but agrees.
So, off they go, bouncing round the room, the woman having the best sex of her life. Once they finish she says, that was amazing! You've got a great new position there, it was the best sex i've had! What do you call it?
The German replied.........

































Thats the Four-Sprung-Duck-Technique

c.h.r.i.s

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Rob M666SCC

c.h.r.i.s

i love jokes

c.h.r.i.s

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Rob M666SCC

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.





"Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden" she said.

Dan B

seveneigths

An elephant was crying in the jungle “oh my foot my foot “
Along came a mouse “what’s up Mr. Elephant?”
The elephant replies “my foot my foot”
The mouse has a look and sees a thorn stuck in the elephants foot
“Hold on it’s a thorn I will get it out for you” the mouse replies
“Oh that better” say’s the elephant “thank you ever so much”
“You can have anything you want anything at all”
The mouse smiles and say’s “I have always wanted to fuck an elephant”
The elephant reaches down with his trunk and lifts the mouse up on to his back
“Yeah” the mouse say going at it like the clapper’s
At the top of a near by tree and monkey is laughing his head off and the site of a little mouse fucking this big elephant and start’s to throw coconuts at the elephants head.
“Oww, ahh oww” the elephant cry’s


















The mouse say’s “I’m not hurting you am I”

Phil DJ

PMSL at all these

ballin

iTrader: (1)

FPMSL - daddy long legs wins

Oranoco

Ooh me fuckin sides

Jasesapphy

iTrader: (1)

Trying to say im not funny

heresharry

TOP

Drunken Master

Out Fishing with a salior friend, a priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, the sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
"Hey mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out. "Sorry Father, but thats what this fish is called - it's a fucker fish!"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to the church. "Look at this huge fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! This is gods house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - thats what the fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop scratching his chin. "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister. thats what the fish is called - a fucker," says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says,
"Wonderful, i'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!
The fish tastes great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright!"

Replica

a man went into a skoda garage and asked the sales man "i want to buy a skoda please "
The salesman replied, "thats fine sir but we only sell our quality cars to those with a clean bill of health from a doctor"

He thought this was a bit strange but decided to play along and goes away to his doctors and gets a clean bill of health and proceeds back to the skoda garage.

Back in the showroom, the man goes back up to the salesman and says "ok, i now have a clean bill of health, can I buy a car now"
he then hands his medical certificate to the salesman.

The salesman reads the information and then replys, "oh dear sir, I am sorry but we are still unable to help you"

"Whys that", asks the man, "I see youve been circumcised" said the saleman.

"So what, doesnt mean I am not heathy" blurts out the man.

"Well sir, the reason is you have to be a complete prick to buy our cars"

SafeChav

AFPMSLROF

Thrush

iTrader: (1)

Bit of a sore one maybe, but got sent it in the pub last night, and made me chuckle...

A South African loses his leg in an accident workin in a gold mine.
"I'm fucked now!" he said, "Who wants a One Legged Gold Digger?"

"ME" said Paul McCartney.

Rob M666SCC

sabres74

Four-Sprung-Duck-Technique