Some of these are just fucking AWESOME


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India.
I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able
to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner, Cardiff


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing
by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter, Skegness


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts, Boston


Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'
who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin, e-mail


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley


AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just
wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him
why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown, Manchester


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point
did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer, London


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to the News of the World in 1993.
Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live
her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging
in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they
are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It
wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in
car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where
credit is due.
T Harpic, London


THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is,
how shit must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to
hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray, Cambridge


THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith, Worcester


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Martin Mannion, Leicester


Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill, Sheffield


Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
Minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds


My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel, Chester


My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely
covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an
enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham


When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Gavin Stoke, Staines

 

well that made me laugh

 

Where did you get those from

 

AFPMSL!!!

 

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


ROFL!!

 

i fucking love these viz can be ace

 

some stunners there like

 

In Boots the other day I saw some packets of Immodium in the last minute impulse-buy rack by the till. Now chewing gum I can understand, but you've either got chonic diarrohea or you haven't.

I learned with interest this week that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc. I also burnt my arse cheeks quite badly.

I recently saw 15 to 1 quizmaster William G Stewart's cock in a urinal, and let me tell you, it wasn't worth writing to Viz about.


I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.


According to the Marmite advertising slogan, you either love it, or you hate it. What a con. I had some the other day and it was alright, but nothing to write home about. And my wife was as indifferent about it as I was, if not slightly more so.

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal.


"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Disneyland claims in its advertising that it is 'A Place Where Dreams Come True'. Well last night I dreamt that I helped my friend Robin to fit a TomTom Sat Nav system to his Fiat Bravo and accidentally put a screwdriver through the dashboard causing Ł400 worth of damage. So I'll be giving Disneyland a miss this year.

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

Me and my mate Phil are always playing practical jokes on each other. Last April Fool's Day I broke into his house in the morning (he works nights) and hid. When he arrived home, I sneaked up and cracked him across the back of the head with a crowbar before legging it. Later that afternoon there was a knock on my door. It was the police! The prankster had got me back by reporting my 'crime'. But the joke was on him, because April Fool's Day ends at midday.

On the Nivea advert, Jane Fonda says she's 68 and she's never felt better. That's as may be, but for my money she looked a lot better in Barbarella.

I knitted a jumper for my husband this Christmas, but I couldn't shake off a nagging feeling that I'd gone wrong somewhere. I was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. I realised my mistake when I came to give it him his gift on Christmas Day - I suddenly remembered that he died in 1973.

MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committing all the crimes.

I saw Chris De Burgh on the The Heaven and Earth Show claiming he had healing powers like Jesus. He did stress that he wasn't actually Jesus, which was good because that would have undermined his otherwise believable claims.