Some of these are just fucking AWESOME


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India.
I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able
to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner, Cardiff


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing
by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter, Skegness


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts, Boston


Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'
who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin, e-mail


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley


AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just
wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him
why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown, Manchester


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point
did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer, London


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to the News of the World in 1993.
Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live
her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging
in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they
are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It
wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in
car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where
credit is due.
T Harpic, London


THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is,
how shit must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to
hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray, Cambridge


THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith, Worcester


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Martin Mannion, Leicester


Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill, Sheffield


Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
Minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds


My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel, Chester


My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely
covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an
enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham


When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Gavin Stoke, Staines