got to think of a good 1 n e ideas ?

 

Well as we all know <name> is now married.... So ladies.... unfortunately.....


It'll have to be your place!!

Off the top of my head

 

Put a slice of bread thats been toasted into your jacket, when you stand up, get it out and throw it to one side.

" Thats the toast over and done with, Now onto the speech..."


Might work, might not...

 

as some of you might know <name> and me have been through alot together, thank god none of them are here today...

 

Well, <groom> and I have been through a lot together....let's just be thankful that none of them are here today....

Actually been said people, you don't wanna know the reaction...

 

andy:

 

Ah you git, you nicked mine!

 

well when i went round to get ready at <grooms> this morning, i noticed before he put his socks on that he had L and R written on his feet. I asked him what it was all about and he explained if he's had a few jars later and kicks his shoes off he'll know which foot is which.



So we can all be grateful that <bride> got her knickers from C&A!!

^^ A mate used that last year

 

"can you belive what those strippers done for Ł100s! "

 

As you stand "that's not the first warm chair I've got off this morning".

mate used that one, made me smile.

But what made me chuckle was a few lines in. Brides name was Rose by the way.

So, best man gives the latin explanation of Rose , I quote " Good in a bed but fantastic against a wall " (Brides dad was not too happy mind)

 

When <groom> asked me to be his best man, at first I was over the moon, firstly that he was going to marry the woman that he loves, and secondly that he had asked me to be his best man. Then later, it dawned on me. The speech. It was a bit worrying. I mean "How long should a best mans speech be?" But then a wise man told me the speech should last as long as the groom makes love. So at that point I think I should say thanks to everyone and take my seat....

Used it last month at my friends wedding...

 

for better and for worse being the vows, so we now know who is worse off the bride and better off the groom. will raise a chuckle and not offend

 

Fornication..........pause.......For an occasion, like this

last wedding I went too and it went down well

 

not a one liner but funny all the same,

firstly you give out a load of keys to selected guys in the room, and tell them to do what you ask during the speech,

during your speech you explain how the bride gave out keys to her boyfriends so they could get in to her house.

you then ask them to return the keys to a box which you place on the main table.

just watch their faces as about 20 nor so guys walk up with keys.

 

I am actually writing my wedding speech now, it is not easy, any suggestions

Mike

 

 

Heard that about a year ago at my mate's wedding.

Best man did it far snappier though - stood up and went:

"they say you should only make a speech last as long as you can make love...... so the toast is "the bride and groom".

and then sat straight down.

What made it better was that some of the 300 guests were properly posh, as was the venue. It tore the room to pieces!

 

"if i could just say a few words"............

























"id be a better public speaker"

 

i done the same sort of thing about a month ago

went down well, i winged most of it thou and just made stuff up on the spot

you gotta gauge your audience! some of my jokes / stories were not suitable so had to adapt

 

Bit nervous about this speech so i prepared a few lines......now i have got them out of the way im feeling much better

 

I like that



To be honest though. How well do you know the people attending. If they know you and your style of humour it could work well. If you dont know anybody play it safe! You dont want to be remebered as "that wanker who ruined their big day!"

And dont FFS ramble on. Under 5 mins tops!

 

thanks people

got n e more ?

 

shut it and listen you bunch of cunts!


i must say though i dont envoy you !!!i would hate doing it!but sure all will go well fella

 

tats 2 the point

 

Here's a speech I did a few months ago.
Some original stuff in there, some stolen. Seemed to go down quite well.



They say it’s funny how history repeats itself. Twenty-odd years ago, Tash's mum and dad, Kim and Bob, were sending their beautiful daughter to bed with a dummy – and here we are again today.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen – for those who don’t know me, my name is Dan and despite my inability to speak or read well in public, Phil has chosen me to be his best man. Cheers for that mate!

They say practise makes perfect, so I tried my speech out down the local old peoples home... they seemed to like it, they all pissed themselves.

I’m going to spend the next five or ten minutes on a traditional character assassination of the Groom, but before I get stuck into that, I’d like to kick this speech off with a toast. I gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them the today would simply not be the same, so please raise your glasses to toast… The bar staff!!

More importantly, on behalf of the beautiful bridesmaid, Jess, and myself, I would like to thank Phil and Tash for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their special day. I know they have both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded their expectations. So thanks again guys, it’s been a fantastic day.

It's customary for the Best Man to drag up some embarrassing anecdotes from the Groom's past. And I have to say that despite me only knowing Phil for about seven years, it’s really not been that difficult!

I asked his mum and dad, Susan and Barry, if they had any nice photos of him that I could use today and they had this really cute one of him lying on a sheepskin rug eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling… I was going to get it blown up to show you all but then I thought it might be too embarrassing... as it was only taken last week…

I’ll pick the story up in August ‘96. Phil’ he was hanging around with some mates in their cars down at Canons March. Where’s Dom sitting? Dom, you planted the seed for today when you rocked up in your Vauxhall Cavalier Calibre. You had a couple of friends in the back including a certain Natasha Pugh. Phil hopped in the back and immediately got cracking with some of his best chat-up lines:
• My love gun’s loaded baby and you’re in my sights!
• I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
Unsurprisingly, Tash wasn’t impressed enough to give him her number, but she did leave a glass slipper in the form of information: she was going to Ritzy’s Nightclub later that night, so he’d have another chance at getting that number.

Phil legged it home, put on his best shell suit and headed straight for Ritzy’s.
• He had a couple of drinks to help calm his nerves.
• Then a couple more because the first two didn’t work.
• Then a couple more because Tash still hadn’t arrived yet…
By the time she was there and he’d finally plucked up the courage to go and talk to her, he was totally rat-arsed and could hardly stand up! And I quote from Tash: “I thought he was a right Numpty!”. Lucky for Phil, the competition in Ritzy’s wasn’t great that night, so more out of pity than anything else, she agreed to go out on their first date.

Worried that Tash might only want him for his wheels, Phil had told her that he’d pick her up in his Mini. Which was a lie, because his car was his secret weapon. What did he have than, was it a Lotus? A Porsche maybe? No, it was a Ford Sierra, with full replica Cosworth bodykit!

Like so many of his early cars, his trusty Sierra ended as twisted scrap after yet another error of judgment – damn those lamp posts. But as his mates always used to say “If you didn't like Phil’s driving, you should keep off the pavements.”

Fast forward to June 2000, now nearly four years into their relationship, the happy couple had gone away on holiday. Phil had secretly packed an engagement ring and planned to pop the big question. Racked with twice the nerves he was suffering at Ritzy’s a few years earlier, and after having primed the waiters that when he got down on one knee, they needed to bring the champagne out, he finally plucked up the courage to get down on one knee. An unsuspecting Tash didn’t help make the moment any easier for him when she came out with “What you doing down there, mate?” thinking he’d dropped something! Needless to say, when the penny dropped, Phil got the answer he was looking for: “Can I phone a friend”..! I mean “Yes!”

And so here we are, a mere eight years later, Phil, you are one very lucky Groom - you've married Tash, who’s beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and she deserves a bloody good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one!

I'm sure you'll agree with me guys, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by without much disappointment!
As I approach the end of my speech, I’d like to give the newlyweds the traditional best man’s wish for good luck, good health and happiness, and may all their troubles be little ones! I’m sure you’ll all agree that Phil and Tash are a marvellous, well-suited couple, and they thoroughly deserve all the happiness they’re going to share together.

As a married man myself, I hope that I’m in a good position to be able to give you both a couple of pieces of advice. Primarily, though Phil, these are directed at you.

• First, never go to bed angry… always stay up and argue.
• Second, always remember the three little words… "You're right dear".
• Third, the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
• Fourth, always keep the lid down
• And finally, never put off until tomorrow, something you can do today - especially if that something is saying, “I love you!”’

Let’s raise our glasses as we toast this couple:
May you both live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.

To Phil and Tash

 

I'm a bit nervous about public speaking, so I practiced my speech at an old peoples home.....they seemed to like it, they all pissed themselves.

 

"well here we are yet again....."

 

Thats quality renton

 

not much help but at my wedding I stood up and (bearing in mind my 100E was the wedding car) said:
what can I say........... doesn't she look stunning today, I have never seen her looking so good,(loads of aws from the guests!) we have had our ups and downs but we finally made it here today and I really think the green paint really looks good in the sunlight..

the whole place was in stiches thinking I was talking about the wife..
she actually still brings it up when we have a barny lol

made the rest of my speech easy..

steve

 

Before i undertake the customary duty of giving <groom> an uncomfortable few minutes i will say I will be taking it easy on the bride as her uncomfortable few minutes come later.

Not sure if thats exactly how it goes but you get the drift!

 

I'm sure you'll agree with me guys, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by without much disappointment!

 

dun dun,, tshhhhhhhhhhh


All those really long speach then you get 6 words that beats them all

 

could i ?

 

Afpmsl!!

 

lol

 

Take a piece of paper out of your inside pocket, unfold it, look directly at the audience and say..."I HAVE A DREAM...Oh shit, wrong speech"

 

I've been telling <name> for years that I am in fact the best man and now he seems to have publicly admitted that we can move on.

 

That is F-ing awesome, had me in stitches!!!!!

 

To say i'm nervous about this speech is an understatement, this is the fifth time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

 

If I could honestly give one piece of advice, it would probably be don't try and make it funny. All these "funnies" are the same on all the speech sites and its a little cringe worthy when people use them for real imo. If you aren't a funny person, don't try to be! I'm sure you can still get a few laughs without even trying, and at least its your words not someone elses you've copied.