MadMac

As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
2012.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.
A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by petrol thrown by a native of the area, in
the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games,East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful.In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences,walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event.The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round,competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
delivery man.The traditional 22 rifle has been replaced in this event by
a choice of either a Browning automatic or Sawn-off 12-bore .

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,and
will take place on a Friday night.The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home.The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home.All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding .

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested, once one is found that can
support life, swimming events will be organised .

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London. THE
CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir.The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.