cutch

iTrader: (1)

well here it is after a fair bit of work, give me any odea or suggestions please and a big think you to the guy that gave me sonme ideas and help on the other thread.


Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, I've been telling David for years
that i am in fact the best man and now he seems to have publicly admitted it we can move on.

To those who do not know me, I am Steven, or cutch/mccutcheon or a few other names that we wont go into, eh barry! and despite my inability to speak or read well in public, David has chosen me to be his best man. Cheers for that mate!

Let me first say that the bridesmaid Corrine looks fantastic today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Frances. I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today is passing by without much of a ripple. Can I also add that Angela and Brendan did a brilliant job
making sure that Frances went against her better judgement and showed up today. Joking aside, Frances
can I just say you look absolutely stunning, David you are a lucky man.

More importantly, on behalf of our beautiful bridesmaid, Corrine, the ushers Tony, George and myself I would like to thank David and Frances for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their special day. I know they have both put a tremendous amount
of effort in to the planning of this wedding, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded
their expectations. So thanks again guys, it’s been a fantastic day.
For my first toast, please raise your glasses for Corrine, Tony and George.

There has been many discussions regarding the planning of today, I was asked what we were wearing, Which I answered;
Kilts, but David actualy wanted to wear a suit as it would be the last time he got to wear the trousers!

When David asked me to be his best man it brought tears to Frans eyes. I thought it was going to be a breeze, i mean i had
a whole year to prepare! It all came crashing down though at the stag do, Jamie and Ronan!!!! Now these two were more worried than me, asking me all sorts of questions, what kind of speech was i going to do, how was i going to do this and that. Then David calmy said during my Pep talk that it was only to talk about 10 to 15 minutes!!! 10 to 15 mins! I had heard something about taking as long as the groom takes to perform in the bedroom so thought i only had to do a couple of minutes at best!

I’m going to spend the next five or ten minutes on a traditional character assassination of the Groom,
but before I get stuck into that, I’d like to toast some people that have contributed to the day in more ways than one.
I gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them today would simply
not be the same, so please raise your glasses to toast… The Benadictine monks at Buckfast Abby!!

I 'm sure most of you know David as a person that takes his work very seriously and is quite an upstanding member of the community,well let me tell you what he's really like. I did have a bunch of stories to tell but most of them implicate David, myself and a couple of the other boys in here and i am pretty sure theres a cop in here somewhere, so they were all automaticaly thrown out the window.

A perfect example is one time when we went out on Barrys boat and ended up in Inversnaid Hotel. Now i checked online what the travel sites say about this hotel.

"This hotel occupies one of the finest sites in Scotland. Built on the banks of Loch Lomond, it overlooks its own harbour and jetty.
In the 65 acres of the hotel's wooded grounds lies Rob Roy's Cave. The West Highland Way, Scotland's long distance walk, also passes by the hotel and he hotel launch is regularly used to ferry guests across Loch Lomond to and from the hotel."

What it didnt mention was that 5 guys drinking buckfasts finest would roll into the dance hall when it was full of their usual clientelle. Retirement couples listening to a guy playing the guitar looking like they had wished they had spent a little bit more and gone to malta! Well we all bought a pint sat down amongst the whispers about the louts that had jut come in and tried to behave ourselves. This wasnt to be....David announced that he would be back in a second. He then walks over to one of the tables across the dancefloor and talks to a lady that bore a striking resemblace to his granny Jessie! We were confused what could he possibly be doing? He took the ladies hand, walked her out into the middle of the dance floor and started dance! Now if you have seen David dance you will know what i mean by it isnt a very pretty sight! Now bear in mind that i do actually have video proof of this and if you buy me a drink later i will happily show you!!! Now this might strike you as a bit of a strange thing to do but not for David and admitedly not for the rest of us! We all got up and took a partner each too. Well we stayed for a while got everyone riled up and had a bit of fun but alas it was time to leave. The guitar player announced that we were leaving to everyones dismay, we got a standing ovation and thanked for giving everyone a laugh, we offered our goodbyes and went back down to the boat for our leisurely and sedate trip back down to Ardliu where one of the most stunning incidents in the scottish ambulance services history went down!

Now by this time you must understand that we had been going for a pretty long time, I knew we were in for a bit of a maraton session when i heard David ask the assistant in the wine shop, if she could recommend a breakfast wine on the way down that morning! It was pretty late on in the night and David had disapeared, no matter, David disapears quite alot in the course of a drinking session, well i heard my phone ring, its David, I need your help....now if David needs my help we are in a world of trouble! Its usually David thats getting me out of situations. Ok where are you? Dont know! This went on for a while until i figured
out where he was, now in the dark light of the marina i could see he had managed to cut himself pretty badly even in my inebriated state. We figured out that he had fallen flat on his face and knocked himself out trying to climb over a fence to get to the boat for a sneeky kip! Well we stagered back to the boat and waited for the rest of the guys to turn up, it was only once we were in the boat and had some light we noticed that David is now covered in hundreds of little red spots. Midgie bites! Hundreds of them! This was bit funny until about 3 oclock and he was shaking pretty badly and feeling sick. Barry used his phone skills and got everyone around Ardliu involved to rescue the man down. But it wasnt going well, he had to phone NHS 24. After alot of checking this and checking that the operator was declared useless and barry requested an ambulance,but we are now at the tip of locj lomd and the hospitals a very long way a way. Barry in his usual Barry way informs the operator that an air ambulance will be needed for our man down.! Well 45 mins later an ambulance with wheels turned up and whisked our mate away to hospital. There was actually an article wrote about it in the Loch Lomond News which i have printed out for you all to enjoy. So may i introduce the only man in Scottish History to have an ambulance called for a midge bite!





Now i have some cards from people that couldnt make it today.
1st card
2nd card
"Dear David, oh how i miss our lovely ,long lonely nights together by the pool, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, and I hope
you and your wife are very happy together, i'm sparing a special thought for you on this day, Lots of Love, Michael Barrymore"

I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make David and Frances wedding such
a memorable and special occasion. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job less nerve wracking.

I would also like to thank Vicky, Angela and Brendan for helping to make such a memorable day.

I Have been asked by David and Frances to say a special thankyou to someone special, now bear with me i'm new to this and i
may take a minute or so.

(i am going to sign this bit a she is deaf)
Signing for Jessie; David would like to say a special thankyou for being here today. David is the best man i know. I am proud to be his best man.

Thanks for that,

David, you've landed on your feet once again. David and I have always been more than friends; in fact I think of him as the Brother I never wanted. Davids mum and dad have looked after me over the years and I am sure John is proud of you, he would have loved to have Frances as his daughter in law. He was a great guy and I wish he could be here to celebrate your marraige with you.

Now would everyone be upstanding, to the bride and groom.

Dangerous Malcolm..

Very good fella! My own personal opinion would be to keep it fairly short and sweet, summat like this:

RS Grant

iTrader: (1)

Sounds good to me mate.. there are a few pieces that I'll be ripping off if/when I get asked to be somebodys best man.


Cheers,
Grant

cutch

iTrader: (1)

I am going to ge tthe missus to time me and see how long it will take me, dont have a clue!

cossiejsy

sounds very good and good luck on the speech

Roosie

iTrader: (8)

mine would be


" David and I have been through a lot together!............. Luckely none of them are here today"

just watch the brides face

Dangerous Malcolm..

The thing is, if you're gonna do a long winded speech then it needs to be memorised and appear to come off the cuff. If ya gonna read the whole thing off a piece of paper then it's no way near as entertaining!

cutch

iTrader: (1)

yeah i know, i am going to practice it loads this week ( its on sat) its weird the amount of time i have looked at it already i think i have a good chance of remembering it!

LHD220Turbo

iTrader: (4)

a good opening line is

"David has asked me to be his best man; and no doubt this is the worst 5 minutes of my life, but dont worry Frances, the worst 5 minutes of your life will come later courtsey of David"

Never fails that one!

sikora

Excellent speech mate. Alot of effort gone into that.
I've been ask to be my mates best man at his wedding next christmas. Haven't started to worry about the speech just yet!

T3ORA

iTrader: (1)

cutch

iTrader: (1)

i couldnt do that, he'd kick my c**t in!

Lambchop

iTrader: (1)

DONT do the barrymore card it's fucking cheesy

And you forgot my ending...

I hope you're wedding night is like a kitchen table...all legs and nae drawers

D.K.

ballin

iTrader: (1)

I read the very first line and cringed, a shit joke from EVERY "best-man speech" website on the Internet. Be original, or forget comedy imo, everyone has heard them before and they aren't even funny, people just laugh to be polite!

2nd one I noticed "and despite my inability to speak or read well in public, David has chosen me to be his best man. Cheers for that mate!" Again, straight off google.

Okay now I've given up, EVERY line pretty much, has a joke ripped off the sites. I don't know how many weddings you have been to, but surely you have heard all of these before.

Honestly mate, if you can't do comedy, dont bother trying - it wont work. Far better doing a speech from the heart in my opinion, than ripping off one liners from the net.

cutch

iTrader: (1)

been to one mate, does it show?

I got the first line from one of the guy on here, second one wasnt meant to be a joke, its true! NO worries, good suggestions keep em coming, i want mine to be a good un.

cutch

iTrader: (1)

timed it 10 mins

Dangerous Malcolm..

I've been to a few weddings and I know if I was ever asked to be a best man I'd simply say, "Thanks for coming, now raise ya glasses to the happy couple".. End of!

ballin

iTrader: (1)

Try and do it more from the heart, drop a few one liners in if you have to, but firstly try and think of them yourself, and secondly remember its not all about comedy.
Personally I would rewrite it with no google jokes, see what you get as a base, then add some humour where you think.

At the moment, it reads like a jumble or cracker jokes and ripped off speech guides, vaugley adapted to be relevant to your mate

cutch

iTrader: (1)

Right had another go, what do you think? which one?

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, now you may think I am shaking because of this speech but it’s really the fact that I am still freezing from standing in the church! To those who don’t know me, I am Steven, or cutch/mccutcheon or a few other names that we won’t go into, eh Barry!

Let me first say that the bridesmaid Corrine looks fantastic today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Frances. Can I also add that Angela and Brendan did a brilliant job making sure that Frances went against her better judgement and showed up today. Joking aside, Frances can I just say you look absolutely stunning, David you are a lucky man.

More importantly, on behalf of our beautiful bridesmaid, Corrine, the ushers Tony, George and myself I would like to thank David and Frances for giving us the opportunity to be involved in their special day. I know they have both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded their expectations. So thanks again guys, it’s been a fantastic day.

For my first toast, please raise your glasses for Corrine, Tony and George.

When David asked me to be his best man it brought tears to Frans eyes. I thought it was going to be a breeze, I mean I had a whole year to prepare! It all came crashing down though at the stag do, Jamie and Ronan!!!! Now these two were more worried than me, asking me all sorts of questions, what kind of speech was I going to do, how was I going to do this and that. Then David calmly said during my Pep talk that it was only to talk about 10 to 15 minutes!!! 10 to 15 mins! I had heard something about the speech taking as long as the groom takes to perform in the bedroom so thought I only had to do a couple of minutes at best!

I’m going to spend the next five or ten minutes on a traditional character assassination of the Groom, but before I get stuck into that, I’d like to toast some people that have contributed to the day in more ways than one. I gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them today would simply not be the same, so please raise your glasses to toast… The Benedictine monks at Buckfast Abby!!

I 'm sure most of you know David as a person that takes his work very seriously and is quite an upstanding member of the community, well let me tell you what he's really like. I did have a bunch of stories to tell but most of them implicate David, myself and a couple of the other boys in here and since I found out that this is being recorded my solicitor has advised me to keep my mouth shut!

So a more suitable story for the occasion is one time when we went out on Barry’s boat and ended up in Inversnaid Hotel. Now I checked online what the travel sites say about this hotel and what it didn’t mention was that 5 guys drinking buckfasts finest would roll into the dance hall when it was full of their usual clientele. Retirement couples listening to a guy playing the guitar looking like they had wished they had spent a little bit more and gone to Malta! Well we all bought a pint sat down amongst the whispers about the louts that had just come in and tried to behave ourselves. This wasn’t to be....David announced that he would be back in a second. He then walks over to one of the tables across the dance floor and talks to a lady that bore a striking resemblance to his granny Jessie! We were confused what could he possibly be doing? He took the ladies hand, walked her out into the middle of the dance floor and started dance! Now if you have seen David dance you will know what I mean by it isn’t a very pretty sight! Now bear in mind that I do actually have video proof of this and if you buy me a drink later I will happily show you!!! Now this might strike you as a bit of a strange thing to do but not for David and admittedly not for the rest of us! We all got up and took a partner each too. Well we stayed for a while got everyone riled up and had a bit of fun but alas it was time to leave. The guitar player announced that we were leaving to everyone’s dismay, we got a standing ovation and thanked for giving everyone a laugh, we offered our goodbyes and went back down to the boat for our leisurely and sedate trip back down to Ardliu where one of the most stunning incidents in the Scottish ambulance services history went down!

Now by this time you must understand that we had been going for a pretty long time, I knew we were in for a bit of a marathon session when I heard David ask the assistant in the wine shop, if she could recommend a breakfast wine on the way down that morning! It was pretty late on in the night and David had disappeared, no matter, David disappears quite alot in the course of a drinking session, well I heard my phone ring, its David; I need your help....now if David needs my help we are in a world of trouble! It’s usually David that getting me out of situations. Ok where are you? Don’t know! This went on for a while until I figured out where he was, now in the dark light of the marina I could see he had managed to cut himself pretty badly even in my inebriated state. We figured out that he had fallen flat on his face and knocked himself out trying to climb over a fence to get to the boat for a sneaky kip! Well we staggered back to the boat and waited for the rest of the guys to turn up, it was only once we were in the boat and had some light we noticed that David is now covered in hundreds of little red spots. Midge bites! Hundreds of them! This was bit funny until about 3 o’clock and he was shaking pretty badly and feeling sick. Barry used his phone skills and got everyone around Ardliu involved to rescue the man down. But it wasn’t going well; he had to phone NHS 24. After alot of checking this and checking that the operator was declared useless and Barry requested an ambulance, but we are now at the tip of loch lomd and the hospitals a very long way away. Barry in his usual Barry way informs the operator that an air ambulance will be needed for our man down! Well 45 mins later an ambulance with wheels turned up and whisked our mate away to hospital. There was actually an article wrote about it in the Loch Lomond News which I have printed out for you all to enjoy. So may I introduce the only man in Scottish History to have an ambulance called for a midge bite!

Now I have some cards from people that couldn’t make it today.
1st card, 2nd card

Now I had a couple of people to thank but David kept on phoning me up and adding names to my speech so that he didn’t need to do it in his, so bear with me here, there’s more people than you think that helped get these two together.

I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make David and Frances wedding such a memorable and special occasion. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job less nerve wracking.

I would also like to thank Vicky, Angela and Brendan for helping to make such a memorable day.

I have been asked by David and Frances to say a special thank you to someone special, now bear with me I’m new to this and I may take a minute or so.
I am going to sign this to his granny.
Jessie; David would like to say a special thank you for being here today. David is the best man I know. I am proud to be his best man. Thanks for that,

Not one for doing things as everyone else does David has managed to get the favours for the wedding done by someone else! And in typical David style he has managed to contribute a considerable amount to charity in the process. David and Fran wanted to give £500 to charity, so he got his work involved and they doubled the amount he put in. They chose the St Margaret’s Hospice in Clydebank somewhere pretty local to David’s work. And in return the Hospice has given all the guests favours. David and Fran would love to express their gratitude further for this kind gesture by filling the buckets we have acquired for the Hospice, you will find them at the bar, perfect for getting rid of all that change you will have after buying us our drinks! Once again thank you to David’s work for their generosity.

David, you've landed on your feet once again. David and I have always been more than friends; in fact I think of him as the Brother I never wanted. David’s mum and dad have looked after me over the years for which I am eternally grateful and if you can do as good a job as they did your going to be fine. I know John would have loved to have Frances as his daughter in law. He was a great man and I wish he could be here to celebrate your marriage with you. Everyone has been calling me the best man today but that’s not true, you are mate!

Now would everyone be upstanding, to the bride and groom.

cutch

iTrader: (1)

Need some of beefys comedy i think, but Beefy it needs to be clean!