Why cant i help myself???
18-10-2008, 06:26 AM
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Why cant i help myself???
To quickly describe my situ...ive got 2 kids from a previous girlfriend and now live with my "new" girlfriend for about 18months. Ive always hated my x and dont really get on with her but i do what i can to see my girls.I have my girls for a weekend every other weekend and pick them up at 5pm friday and take them back 5pm sunday.I also have them for one night (take them back for bed) during the week i dont have them that wkend (if that makes sense).
My "new" gf cant stand my x and if there is something to do with her (which obviously there is because of the girls) she dont like it and sometimes lets me know!!!
So to save heartache and to be honest to save bother for me(!) i sometimes lie to her to stop my gf having a go at me or something.Its only little lies like "my girls txtd me to give them a ring" but really it was my x that txtd me to give the girls a ring.
I have never cheated on anyone in my life especially my "new" gf and would never do and i dont have any feelings whatsoever for my x.
My gf found out that i lied about little things like the above and we have a big falling out and she says she dont know what else i lied about. Anyway it does make me think and i think to myself that i wont lie again.
BUT
I find that i do still lie to hide these little things to stop any arguments and stuff and i find myself making up more lies to hide the lies Ive already said!! SO what do i do.....shes basically given me ultimatiums that if i do it again I will lose her which i dont want coz i do love her BUT i cant live with the arguments over my x BUT i dont want to lie to her either.
Like i said, these are only "little" lies but i feel bad telling them but it is just to save arguments.
ALSO
My x had split up from her long time bf a few weeks ago and since then she dont seem to be caring for my girls well. I picked them up from school and my youngest has a nasty mark on her face. She said her mum had burnt her by accident with her fag.My x told me she never smokes in front of my girls and always o/side but my oldest tells me she smokes in the house, has all her m8s round late at nite when my girls are trying to sleep. Ive also found out that for breaktime she doesnt give my girls any money sometimes or food to eat at breaks so all they eat is their lunch (that they get free coz shes on benefits - lazy cow).My girls dont dress nice when they are with her - she says she has no money but she goes out drinking with her m8s and spends money on fags and stuff.I pay what the CSA told me to pay (we actually agreed an amount but she thought she would try and get more from me and took me to CSA but they actually told me to pay a bit less than what i was!).
I believe my girls are being neglected now.
Im thinking of seeing someone but dont know who.I would want custody of my kids if i knew they werent being looked after properly.
Another thing was this weekend i picked my girls up from school (at 3pm instead of 5pm) and shes gone away for the weekend and told me to drop them off at 8pm instead of 5pm. In a way im glad i get more time with the girls but its like shes just dictating the times and changing things to suit her.
WHAT DO I DO???
My "new" gf cant stand my x and if there is something to do with her (which obviously there is because of the girls) she dont like it and sometimes lets me know!!!
So to save heartache and to be honest to save bother for me(!) i sometimes lie to her to stop my gf having a go at me or something.Its only little lies like "my girls txtd me to give them a ring" but really it was my x that txtd me to give the girls a ring.
I have never cheated on anyone in my life especially my "new" gf and would never do and i dont have any feelings whatsoever for my x.
My gf found out that i lied about little things like the above and we have a big falling out and she says she dont know what else i lied about. Anyway it does make me think and i think to myself that i wont lie again.
BUT
I find that i do still lie to hide these little things to stop any arguments and stuff and i find myself making up more lies to hide the lies Ive already said!! SO what do i do.....shes basically given me ultimatiums that if i do it again I will lose her which i dont want coz i do love her BUT i cant live with the arguments over my x BUT i dont want to lie to her either.
Like i said, these are only "little" lies but i feel bad telling them but it is just to save arguments.
ALSO
My x had split up from her long time bf a few weeks ago and since then she dont seem to be caring for my girls well. I picked them up from school and my youngest has a nasty mark on her face. She said her mum had burnt her by accident with her fag.My x told me she never smokes in front of my girls and always o/side but my oldest tells me she smokes in the house, has all her m8s round late at nite when my girls are trying to sleep. Ive also found out that for breaktime she doesnt give my girls any money sometimes or food to eat at breaks so all they eat is their lunch (that they get free coz shes on benefits - lazy cow).My girls dont dress nice when they are with her - she says she has no money but she goes out drinking with her m8s and spends money on fags and stuff.I pay what the CSA told me to pay (we actually agreed an amount but she thought she would try and get more from me and took me to CSA but they actually told me to pay a bit less than what i was!).
I believe my girls are being neglected now.
Im thinking of seeing someone but dont know who.I would want custody of my kids if i knew they werent being looked after properly.
Another thing was this weekend i picked my girls up from school (at 3pm instead of 5pm) and shes gone away for the weekend and told me to drop them off at 8pm instead of 5pm. In a way im glad i get more time with the girls but its like shes just dictating the times and changing things to suit her.
WHAT DO I DO???
18-10-2008, 12:53 PM
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My advice would be, number one. Get shot of your current burd. If she's falling out with you for keeping in contact with your ex, and hence your kids, fuck her off...... Nothing should come between you and your kids mate. You'll get another one who will understand why you need to see your kids.
Secondly, you need to get in touch with social services if you think your kids well being is in question. Your ex will hate you for it, but you need to put your girls happiness first IMHO.
Hope it works out mate. Maybe you can have your kids over a bit more often to try and sort them out.
Secondly, you need to get in touch with social services if you think your kids well being is in question. Your ex will hate you for it, but you need to put your girls happiness first IMHO.
Hope it works out mate. Maybe you can have your kids over a bit more often to try and sort them out.
18-10-2008, 01:02 PM
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Soz think someones got the wrong end of the stick. My current gf h8s my x for the way she treats my girls. My gf has no probs with me contacting my x for the girls sake but just h8s her so much for what she like my girls that she gets frustrated and take it out on me.
I was worried if i go to social services that the girls would be taken away from me too or would i have "1st refusal" if i can put it like that (sounds bad so not best way of describing it!) over them as im their dad.
BTW - Obviously i had my 2 girls with her when i was happy. NOW i hate her!!
I was worried if i go to social services that the girls would be taken away from me too or would i have "1st refusal" if i can put it like that (sounds bad so not best way of describing it!) over them as im their dad.
BTW - Obviously i had my 2 girls with her when i was happy. NOW i hate her!!
18-10-2008, 01:10 PM
#6
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would social services not give you custody of your 2 girls if your ex is treating them so badly??
if they are getting treated badly you really need to do something about it, and quick
if they are getting treated badly you really need to do something about it, and quick
Last edited by steviecossie; 18-10-2008 at 01:13 PM.
18-10-2008, 01:11 PM
#7
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Soz think someones got the wrong end of the stick. My current gf h8s my x for the way she treats my girls. My gf has no probs with me contacting my x for the girls sake but just h8s her so much for what she like my girls that she gets frustrated and take it out on me.
I was worried if i go to social services that the girls would be taken away from me too or would i have "1st refusal" if i can put it like that (sounds bad so not best way of describing it!) over them as im their dad.
BTW - Obviously i had my 2 girls with her when i was happy. NOW i hate her!!
I was worried if i go to social services that the girls would be taken away from me too or would i have "1st refusal" if i can put it like that (sounds bad so not best way of describing it!) over them as im their dad.
BTW - Obviously i had my 2 girls with her when i was happy. NOW i hate her!!
Ahh, I see. I thought you were saying she was getting upset becuase you lied about contacting your ex....
Mate, while I understand what your saying about social services, it's still a very selfish position. You're thinking of you before them.. Which is totally uderstandable becuase you want to see your kids, but if they're not being looked after by the mother, then it's your first port of call. Social services will then decide if she's unfit, and if you are capable of looking after hem yourself etc. If your ex is drinking and partying all the time it's generally bad for the kids.
I really hope you get something sorted though.
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18-10-2008, 01:29 PM
#9
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Me personally id sit your current gf down and tell her that unfortunatly you do have baggage, you have kids and thus have to get along with your ex.
She also needs to realise that the kids come before her, as selfish as it sounds thats the way its going to go down, if she cant deal with that then maybe its time to walk away from her imo.
With regards to your kids mother, id personally have a word with ur ex when the kids arent about and raise a few vital issues with regards to her drinking, partying and lack of effort for the kids.
Then just monitor it for about a month, if she still acts the same then id be ringing social services and letting them know what is happening.
They wont instantly take the kids away, they will have a word with ur ex and tell her about what has been said and give her a chance to correct it.
This then leaves the ball in her court, straighten up or lose your kids.
If she still neglects them then aslong as you have a stable home and job ud more than likely get custody of your own children.
Hope this helps, best of luck.
She also needs to realise that the kids come before her, as selfish as it sounds thats the way its going to go down, if she cant deal with that then maybe its time to walk away from her imo.
With regards to your kids mother, id personally have a word with ur ex when the kids arent about and raise a few vital issues with regards to her drinking, partying and lack of effort for the kids.
Then just monitor it for about a month, if she still acts the same then id be ringing social services and letting them know what is happening.
They wont instantly take the kids away, they will have a word with ur ex and tell her about what has been said and give her a chance to correct it.
This then leaves the ball in her court, straighten up or lose your kids.
If she still neglects them then aslong as you have a stable home and job ud more than likely get custody of your own children.
Hope this helps, best of luck.
18-10-2008, 03:10 PM
#10
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Managed to speak to the x today and think ive sorted things with my gf. Said to the x wasnt happy with the way girls being treated and what theyve told me. She basically told me to shut the f**k up and put the phone down on me.
I dont want the girls going to someone else as i know im more than capable of looking after them and dont want them to go to complete strangers. You hear all the time of kids in social and how they are treated. Im not gonna tarnish anyone with a brush but i know theyd be better with me.
I dont want the girls going to someone else as i know im more than capable of looking after them and dont want them to go to complete strangers. You hear all the time of kids in social and how they are treated. Im not gonna tarnish anyone with a brush but i know theyd be better with me.
18-10-2008, 04:02 PM
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a very common situation unfortunately.
how old are ur kids? have you been in contact with the school = because if ur x isn't looking after them right then the school will already have concerns and be able to support you as well.
how old are ur kids? have you been in contact with the school = because if ur x isn't looking after them right then the school will already have concerns and be able to support you as well.
18-10-2008, 04:10 PM
#12
I really feel your pain mate. I have been here myself and its painfull. There is no easy solution, and in my case i just made myself as available as i could to the girls and did everything they wanted, and bought everything they needed.
In my experience, unless the neglect is classed as serious, you wont even be heard as you have zero rights to the kids under UK legislation.
Sorry for you and the girls mate, but i assure you they will know who was right when the time comes. Mine did, and we get on better than ever now they have grown up and know what was right and wrong.
In my experience, unless the neglect is classed as serious, you wont even be heard as you have zero rights to the kids under UK legislation.
Sorry for you and the girls mate, but i assure you they will know who was right when the time comes. Mine did, and we get on better than ever now they have grown up and know what was right and wrong.
Last edited by Stu @ M Developments; 18-10-2008 at 04:41 PM.
18-10-2008, 04:21 PM
#13
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If you think she is an unfit mother and have proof, then go to the authorities about it.
It must be horrible to experience what you are and other than that at this moment in time, I really don't know what else to say apart from think (which is what you seem to be doing) before you make any decision and I hope things work out for you.
It must be horrible to experience what you are and other than that at this moment in time, I really don't know what else to say apart from think (which is what you seem to be doing) before you make any decision and I hope things work out for you.
18-10-2008, 04:39 PM
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my gf does want to thump her!!!! But course that would make situ worse! My x can just brag it off as accident and just say that she didnt as i have no evidence except what my girls say. One is 5 and one is 7 (but very bright for her age).
I feel im stuck.
Thanks - STU in particular. I have been thinking along the same lines as what he said.
I feel im stuck.
Thanks - STU in particular. I have been thinking along the same lines as what he said.
18-10-2008, 05:10 PM
#17
here's a thought!
The most effective way to improve any relationship is by changing you and the way you relate.
IMO it's important both for you and for the other parties to know exactly what you expect from that relationship, people arent mind readers and without you expressing what you find acceptable and normal ,how are they to know what you find acceptable and normal behaviour.
IMO it's important both for you and for the other parties to know exactly what you expect from that relationship, people arent mind readers and without you expressing what you find acceptable and normal ,how are they to know what you find acceptable and normal behaviour.