BlairM

due to all the green / climate change / killing polar bears crap going on nowadays a guy at my work has the phobia of 4 x 4's. i tried to explain that just because it's a 4 x 4 doesn't mean it emits more than a bigger engined small car but he was having none of it "nah the 4 x 4s are the most polluting"

Nash_mr2

we refer to them as the elephant men - cos if you tell them you've got an elephant, they'll tell you they've got the cage for it.

Cem

m8 of mine came to my work and said "listen m8 i dont need you to fit my new piper air filter in i done it my self , im well proud of it" i tell ya i didnt even think it was even possible to put an oil breather there, plenty or black tape, cable ties and hoses from a back of washing machine. should of took a pic,

Stephen_B

i just call them a bulsshitter

BigChuck

one of my mates has come away with a few belters,

"i cant understand why he got passed me, i was hitting the rev limiter in every gear" ( racing a scooby in his rover 200)

"my car will be a lot quicker when i get my turbo hubcaps"

" i might get a set of those 400 brake horse pads, that cars got them and its really quick"

mk3cosworth

ye mate its still there

blacky he was a proper crank

orionmojo

iTrader: (1)

someone once told me to fill my front wings with concrete to help stop wheelsipn!

and my cortina wasn't a genuine 1600e because it didn't have spotlights!

Mr Orange

Guy at school was adiment that his mums 1.6 focus could hit 200bhp from a chip!

oh how i laughed at him if you could double the horsepower with a chip i would have a 120bhp clio

dangerbrian

iTrader: (8)

i remember that pmsl now thinking back

Dave_YD

lol @ some of these

some guy in a 406 diesel once told me he had a "jap import 1.6" honda crx with stage 2 cams that revved to 11.5k and when you pressed a little button it would go to 13k and did 135 in 3rd gear lol...i was just going along and i said " must have done over 200 in top" and he was like "not far off"...proper cracked me up

SiZT

"you don't need low compression pistons for superchargers.... there nothing like turbo's"

"I reckon I could have that RX7 round a corner because my cars FWD and his is RWD"

the benno

i thought i stood for Rarely Starts

Benni

I asked in Kwik Fit could they check my Camber and was told on the new ford focus it was all done Via the ECU and it would need to go back to Ford.

The same person also told me his mum had the same Ford Focus but because it was a 1.4 he's only had 145mph out of it and not the full 160 which mine can do. Mine is a 1.6. I argued it and he told me cars had to do what the speedo read as it was faulse advertisement.


I then went into a discussion about the Focus ST to which he told me his Clio 1.2 would be just as quick because he has fitted a new filter and it's a lot lighter.

I went to a scrap yard to pick up a windscreen for a friend and I got talking about cars and someone was in the process of fitting a Lamborghini engine in his Renault Clio. I asked him what power he was expecting and he said twice the power than mine and laughed, which would make up 200bhp, lol.

Benni.

Fil

the money one from back in the 90s was every one who had a renault 5 turbo, used to say it was chiped up to 200bhp


mmmm carbed turbo lump

Turbocabbie

how nearly everyone who selling cossie parts says they are group 'A' bits

PeterRST

iTrader: (1)

"The 16V I4-engine in the Escort Mk5 RS 2000 is a YB without a turbo"

"XR4i's are 4x4"

Ad4m RST

When i had my 2nd S2 a couple years back a mate of a mate came over when the bonnet was open. After a look he decided there 'aint enuf in there bruv' to make 230hp, i asked what it needs and after telling me a load of shite about an Uno turbo gearbox for accelaration he said it needed a bigger turbo. I was ready to say yeah but its a stage 3....he cut in....'Its tiny man' pointing at my Xover pipe

After the laughing he just jumped on his bike & and pissed off, only drives a 1.4 astra to this day IIRC.

Lee Ivatt

iTrader: (1)

my sisters ex boyfriend had the focus 2ltr tdi sport. and kept blaming his pants driving on the lurbo lag

even tho they are variable vain, with probably about 0.2sec lag under 1500rpm

this picture also springs to mind

Lowson

I've seen a few 2.0 DOHC Sierra's on Ebay etc where the owner states that they are 16 valve!!! Bugs me that...

BlairM

I've just remembered one an old mate told me (old cos he's a dick..)

He shared a 206 with his dad which was a motobility car and he said he was saving up to get a 206 GTi 180, 180 meaning it does 180mph AFPMSL!!!!

Hasn't got a licence now as the cops found his bike behind a hedge with him lying near it, off his face on drink and drugs and carrying some other drugs.

I like the old saying that goes something like "it's better to be thought of a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt"

Garage19

I was introduced to a guy in a pub who told me he had the fastes scirroco (vw thing) in the uk. Told me the best mod he had ever done was getting his cams ported.

mick

iTrader: (1)

when looking at my 24v...
" that ain't a cosworth.... it don't have a turbo..."

scottp

My mate (a tommy topper) said he had a five skin!

Chip

iTrader: (3)

I like the expression "if youve stepped in shit, he's fallen in it"

Chip

iTrader: (3)

I went down to a naval base in portsmouth recently to do some fuelling checks / mapping on a astra turbo down there (belongs to sbd16v off here) and a lad there had a nice off road racer, cut down rangey chassis with a landy top, proper bit of kit, really nicely done.

I asked him what engien it was, and he told me it was a 300bhp rover v8, he popped the bonnet and it looked like a standard EFi lump to me, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe even with standard externals you could get the power with modified cams and heads to be at least something approaching that, like 250+ at least, so didnt think too bad of it, then he started telling me he was going to get it chipped to 400bhp, I pointed out thta wasnt possible, and he started correcting me and saying how it was etc, I just had to walk off in the end as he was talking such shit and wouldnt listen.

percybigun

i had somebody point to my oil catch tank (which isnt very big, and isnt particularly interesting in appearance) and say "is that the supercharger?"

Dave Henshall

ALTHOUGH IN OZ, AN XR4 (FIESTA ST) IS A 4 POT, AN XR5 (FOCUS ST) IS A 5 POT , AN XR6 FALCON IS A V6 POT AND A XR8 FALCON IS A V8....

PeterRST

iTrader: (1)

[anorak-mode]The XR6 is an inline-six. [/anorak-mode]

Dave Henshall

And The Guy Who Fitted My Tracker To My Escos Siad That Its 5th Injector Was More Than Likely The Casue Of Its Poor Cold Starting, Because They Get Blocked You See And Then Thtas Like It Not Having A Choke.

Lambchop

iTrader: (1)

I prefer

"if you've been to tenerife he's been to elevenerife"

And a play on the elephant cage i've heard is a giraffe instead

l0ubie

guy down my pub had a mexico cortina!!

Remko GT

Couple of weeks ago some bloke saw my project car and told me a friend of his used to drift a 16v Sierra. So I said: "Nice, a 16v Cosworth." He said:"No, not a Cosworth, a standard Sierra." I said:"Sorry m8, standard non Cosworth Sierra's are either 8v or 12v. He insisted it was 16v... I didn't respond and just smiled and thought:"OH FFS not that discussion again..."

Chip

iTrader: (3)

Thats true on many standard fitment 5th injector setups, like on old bmw's

Common theme that, good advice for the wrong car, I see it all the time!

Mike Rainbird

iTrader: (3)

That you can get 750bhp out of four Bosch 400 (light blues) by batch-firing .

Chip

iTrader: (3)

you can!












at 10 bar

steviep

Used to know a right numpty who did nothing but bullshit about cars, he had the obligatory 2wd saff with an RS500 engine transplant (cos they're 500 bhp as standard) supposedly bought a 944 turbo which amazingly turned into a N/A 924 when I go round to have a look. He really excelled himself with his E30 M3 replica when he went to a parts suppliers and ordered a pair if track rod ends for an M3, waited a week for them to come in, paid 3 times as much as the 320i rod ends they should of been and then couldn't return them cos they were special order.

Also had a bloke come round looking to buy my Cossie who kindly advised me that the ABS wasn't working as the light wasn't on while driving.

silky16v

iTrader: (1)

being told by a local know it all, bodge artist that all cosworth engines need rebuilt every 50,000 (even standard engine) cause of the amount of oil they use and the Naff oil pump design

the best was when he fitted a Stage 1 4x4 MSD chip to a Saph fitted with 2bar, & 803 greens and wondered why it would run right, he started playing with the fuel pressure and said that'll fix it. Even when i offered him a set of standard 4x4 Blue injectors cheap he wouldn't have it that the 803's were fine and that playing with the fuel pressure would fix it

Mike C

iTrader: (1)

Parked up my old MK4 XR3i outside a supermarket when I went in to buy a loaf. I comes out and all these kids are hanging about it on bikes, one of them says "Nice car mister, is it an RS Turbo?" As if the transfer on the tailgate saying ESCORT XR3i didn't give it away He then said ah, my dad had one, it had 12 turbos

Some bloke also told me his MK1 Escort was a 1970 so it didn't require an MOT

I've had too many of the usual my Saxo's running 1000BHP with 8 turbos type ones to list, but a good one was some kid in my town drives this battered up old 205 which sounds like a right bag of shit. I then hear him say it's been converted to run a V6 RWD. A few days later I see him pull out of a side street in the wet, and what's the first thing I notice? The front wheels spinning! Owned!

And not exactly bullshitting, but I needed to get my old E30 325i MOT'd sharpish, and my usual MOT places were all booked up, so I rang a place up I'd seen advertising fairly locally, bird on the phone says yeah if you drop it over last thing this afternoon we can get it done for you first thing in the morning. Nice one, I thought. The she asks what make it is, so I say BMW, and her reply was "How do you spell that?"

dojj

iTrader: (3)

the storys i could tell about a "mate" of mine called paul

not just specific to cars neither

and then, after giving it the big "i know everthing" his dad would pipe in with some other randomness that made no sense at all, but they would then start out boasting each other

considering that i've not really spoken to this guy since around 2003 my memory is a little fuzzy about the dates some of these things happened, but in any time period between 1996 and 2003, here are a selection, in no particular order:

a classic one was "mary j blige is nearly 50 years old, i looked it up on the internet" after which followed a 45 minute arguement where he who shouts loudest tends to win, so mary j bilge was at least 50 years old that day, and she taught puff daddy all he knows and was his mentor

or "i've got an electronic dump valve on my 306 td, i've rigged a boost gauge up to it and you can see it starts to spin up as soon as i put my foot down, i've seen nearly 15 psi, which is about 3 bar"

or "look, i know i've broke the wiring on that injector, but it was probably already broken before, wait till i've soldered it together and you'll notice a huge amount of difference as more solder means more current can get through, which means more fuel to burn"

or "i reckon i'm a really good driver, i can pull away and only spin one wheel when booting it away from the lights in the wet"

or "let me have a go as i reckon i can get it to 60 quicker than you"

or "i reckon i did that in about 12 seconds" when he actually timed the clocked out as he failed to do it in less than 20 seconds

or "i'm sure i was quicker than you, the lights must have been broken" when i then posted a 16.9 second 0-60 in his car

or "the way my susspension is set up, i can get round this corner quicker than you" in his 306 td compared to my 4wd twin turbo'd 4wd estate

or "see, once we are rolling i can keep up with him no sweat" again, in his 306 td and me in the estate, which was at least 15 seconds quicker to 60 with me driving mine than his car with him driving his

or "dvd's won't last as long as video tapes, they are too flimsy, besides, you still can't pause them or copy them"

or "this has got to go there, the broken bits match up exactly to the bits that are still left on the car"

or "i'm gong to fit a T4 to my car, but i've got to get the exhaust matched so i won't get any lag"

or "the guy in the porche didn't know what hit him as i blew him away in my volvo olympian down the M4"

or "when it's cold, i can get another 15 litres of dielse into my tank as that's how much it expands on hotter days"

and so on and so forth, if you've done something, he's got to have done it better, if i had twin turbo's on a V6, he was investing in some twin turbo set up for his 306, if my brakes were better because i had a set of 330's on, his brakes were better than mine as his drums on the rear matched better with his upgraded pads on the front, therefore allowing him to have a more even braking balance, he wasn't going to lower his car as the beam he was going to put on had a different handbrake mechanicsm so it was automaticly lower etc etc

come to think of it, he was coming out with storys even more roposterous than benni, but with benni they may actually be true

tomti

the sierra twincam one always baffles me. i even sent an ebayer a polite message that the car he was advertising as 16v was actually 8v, so that he could amend the ad and he started having a go at me telling me to mind my own business etc and he knows what he's talking about and i dont. that all twincam engines have 16 valves. i thought fuck it, why bother. makes me smile now