Some Quality Jokes. ;0)
10-02-2007, 02:38 PM
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Some Quality Jokes. ;0)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.
Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise"
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phone box?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the arse.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Big mac please.
Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
Ahhh the Irish.
Being Irish is about driving in a German car to a Scottish pub for a Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or, a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most Irish thing of all is suspicion of all things foreign.
Only in Ireland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Ireland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Ireland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Ireland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Ireland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Ireland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Ireland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION. 3 Irish ppl die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Irish ppl were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Irish ppl are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Irish ppl have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Irish ppl have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Irish ppl had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Irish ppl were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Irish ppl were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. Finally, in 2000 eight Irish ppl were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
If you're proud to be Irish, send this on!
IRELAND - Love it, or Leave it
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX (because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (A vibrator can't mow the lawn)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.
Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise"
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phone box?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the arse.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Big mac please.
Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
Ahhh the Irish.
Being Irish is about driving in a German car to a Scottish pub for a Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or, a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most Irish thing of all is suspicion of all things foreign.
Only in Ireland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Ireland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Ireland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Ireland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Ireland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Ireland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Ireland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION. 3 Irish ppl die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Irish ppl were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Irish ppl are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Irish ppl have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Irish ppl have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Irish ppl had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Irish ppl were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Irish ppl were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. Finally, in 2000 eight Irish ppl were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
If you're proud to be Irish, send this on!
IRELAND - Love it, or Leave it
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX (because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (A vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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