Dan Cossie

Great One-liners

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your Kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' The doctor replies, "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"...How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great .. The world's your oyster ... Go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'" So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.

SimonT

Rab

FPMSL @ number 23