Friday Afternoon Jokes
13-08-2004, 03:04 PM
#1
Friday Afternoon Jokes
Not been on here for a while...but here are some jokes to help bring you closer to the weekend 
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
MEN CAN BE BARSTARDS TOO
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
MEN STRIKE BACK
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need: There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Which type of woman do you like?
HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!
SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!
E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
MEN CAN BE BARSTARDS TOO
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
MEN STRIKE BACK
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need: There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Which type of woman do you like?
HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!
SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!
E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
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