TOP FIVE SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR THE YEAR -------- SO FAR!!
23-06-2006, 11:27 AM
#1
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TOP FIVE SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR THE YEAR -------- SO FAR!!
Just been sent these 
ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check the tickets of the boarding passengers.
As a man approached she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
ANSWER #4
A lady was going through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked the nearest store employee who was busy re-stacking nearby shelves whether or not the turkeys got any bigger
to which he replied "No ma'am they are dead."
ANSWER #3
A traffic policeman got out of his car and the kid who he had stopped for speeding rolled down his car window to hear the worst.
"I've been waiting for you all day" the cop said.
The kid replied "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could!"
When the cop finally stopped laughing , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along the highway when he saw a sign __ Low Bridge Ahead ____ and before he knew it the bridge is right in front
of him and he gets stuck under it..
Traffic piles up behind him and before long the police turn up. One of the policemen gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the truck, puts his hands
on his hips and say "Got stuck huh?"
To which the truck driver replies "No ---- I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR ----- so far!!
A college teacher reminds her class about the next day's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness
or a death of an immediate family member but that is it. No other excuses whatsoever."
One of the class right at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class burst out laughing and sniggering. When calm was once more restored the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand then!"
ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check the tickets of the boarding passengers.
As a man approached she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
ANSWER #4
A lady was going through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked the nearest store employee who was busy re-stacking nearby shelves whether or not the turkeys got any bigger
to which he replied "No ma'am they are dead."
ANSWER #3
A traffic policeman got out of his car and the kid who he had stopped for speeding rolled down his car window to hear the worst.
"I've been waiting for you all day" the cop said.
The kid replied "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could!"
When the cop finally stopped laughing , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along the highway when he saw a sign __ Low Bridge Ahead ____ and before he knew it the bridge is right in front
of him and he gets stuck under it..
Traffic piles up behind him and before long the police turn up. One of the policemen gets out of his patrol car and walks up to the truck, puts his hands
on his hips and say "Got stuck huh?"
To which the truck driver replies "No ---- I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR ----- so far!!
A college teacher reminds her class about the next day's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness
or a death of an immediate family member but that is it. No other excuses whatsoever."
One of the class right at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class burst out laughing and sniggering. When calm was once more restored the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand then!"
23-06-2006, 12:45 PM
#2
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Comeback #1:
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Comeback #2:
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Comeback #2:
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
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