The Sludge

The First Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
up until eight o'clock ."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b'tard!
You've been playing golf!"

****

The Second Affair:

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. After a month of trying,
the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby
boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen... He
went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father
of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

****
The Third Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

****

The Fourth Affair:

A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu
and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a
fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

****

The Fifth Affair:


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "just relax and let the poison
do it's work."

Ginge !