Adrian

Some may have been posted before but ho hum...

Things to think about...

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proof our homes, but they are still getting in.


Advice for the day...

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

And finally...

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the paracetemol bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" !!!!


A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pi*sed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move!!"


There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.

The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.

The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "F*ck you."

There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife f*cks you in front of everyone in court.






The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5am.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5am. Wake up."

(Men just aren't equipped for these sorts of contests.)


Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"


Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.
One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.
"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"
Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."
Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.
Love always,
Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:


Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love,
Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!


A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."

She said "What?"

He said "Put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."


A Guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.'Open the ****ing safe' he yells at the girl behind the counter.
'But we're not a real bank' she replies, 'We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank.'
'Don't argue, open the ****ing safe or I'll blow your head off!' She obliges and opens the safe door.'Take out one of the bottles and drink it!'
'But it's full of sperm' She said.
'Don't argue with me and just drink it' She rips off the cap and gulps it down.'Now take out another and do the same thing' Said the guy in the balaclava .She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's surprise it's her husband.
'There', he said, 'Its not that ****ing difficult is it.'


Mitch and Mary had only been married for two weeks. Mitch, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town & party with his
old buddies.

So he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked Mary

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Mary says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to
the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Mitch doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying was, "Yes, loolie ... but the bar....you know... the frozen
glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, When Mary interrupts him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer
mug out of the freezer so frozen that the she was getting chills
holding it.

Mitch, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes
out 15 dishes of different hors'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN
YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR F*CKING HORS D' OEUVRES, CAUSE YOU
AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, ASSHOLE!!"







If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
(Still can't get over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky Pigs!!!!!


A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"


The guy had taken his girl out wining and dining; coming home in the car he stops in a lay-by and gets stuck in snogging and feeling between her legs.

''Stop it,'' she says, ''I want to remain a virgin until I marry.''

''Then how about a blow-job?''

''Ugh, I'm not putting that big thing in my mouth.''

''Then how about a hand job?

''Ok. How do I do that?''

''Remember,'' says the guy. ''When you had a Coke bottle and you shook it and sprayed your friends?''

''Oh, yeah.''

''It's the same, but much gentler.''

Later the guy is foaming at the mouth, farts, gets red in the face and screams.

''What's wrong?'' The girl asks.

''TAKE YOUR F**KING THUMB OFF THE TOP!''