I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must
be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but
I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to
get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton
when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..
Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with
a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

 

some quality one there
also some really shit gags

 

You mean you dont get em

 

 

Got them today at work.