Right! I don't know where to start, but here goes.....

I've been married over 12 years with 3 kids. For years we had rows on and off, but recently its started getting physical with her lashing out at what most people would view as trivial issues.....cooking, kids ,etc rather than serious stuff like alchohol,drugs,gambling , abuse etc.

Anyway before Xmas, we had a row about cooking and she lashes out. I know you shouldn't hit women, but I was just slapping/restraining her, whereas she was punching, biting, scratching.

The kids are frightened at this and one calls 999.

Before I know it the old bill have arrived and arrested my wife for assault. I didn't press any charges becasue at the end of the day, shes my wife and mother of my kids.

She gets let out with a caution and the atmosphere makes it a very unhappy Xmas for us all.

I don't know whether its too late to salvage anything from this marraige for the sake of the kids. I mean we get on most of the time, but she seems to blow up every now and then.

I love my kids and don't want to lose them....

Has anyone been through something like this and made up?

 

mate this is gona sound shocking but if a women was laying in to me id find it hard not too smack her.if it was a stranger i wouldnt think twice.different when its your other half tho.

 

Your entitled to use reasonable force to defend yourself, even against your missus.

Domestic violence against men is more common than people think. problem is most men just wont speak up about it.

look on here:
http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

she needs counselling or serious professional help as she needs to learn why she needs violence to make her point and she needs to learn how to control the anger as its not acceptable.

Sounds like some serious communication issues in your relationship. Wether it can be saved or not is down to both of you really.

 

Your entitled to use reasonable force to defend yourself, even against your missus.

Domestic violence against men is more common than people think. problem is most men just wont speak up about it.

look on here:
http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

she needs counselling or serious professional help as she needs to learn why she needs violence to make her point and she needs to learn how to control the anger as its not acceptable.

Sounds like some serious communication issues in your relationship. Wether it can be saved or not is down to both of you really.

 

Thanks guys for the replies.

I suppose communication has broke down a bit. We seem to only raise them when we are rowing...

 

as warren said ( a few times) that she needs help,,, the point you raise your hand to a loved one is when you have lost respect for them imo and they have you

another alternative if it dont work is call it a day,,,,,, you may miss each other more than you realise and sort things out,,, its no shame to end a relationship if its not working,,,, the missus left me a while ago as she had enough of me/wasnt sure what she wanted but realised that she was just being picky about small stuff and even though i am a waste at times ill admit theres other things i do without question that makes up for it

good luck in what ever you decide and if you need a chat then warren is just a phonecall away

 

well you need to talk even if its just about daily issues/shit. BUT it still doesnt excuse her behaviour.

 

mate, feel for you, i had an ex who used to get proper horrible after a drink (alcohol problem), i ended up getting stabbed, not badly but that was the final straw

 

jase i dont think you should be telling him to stab her,,,, even if its only in the arm or the leg with a stanley knife as thats no legally anything more than general assult....... really im disappointed with you,,,,,

anything above the waist is more serious and above the shoulder is can be classed as attemted murder,,,, just incase you wasnt aware of it

 

Ginge i got fucking stabbed by her, i would never do anything like that you dumpling

 

im surprised the police didnt jumped to the wrong conclusion and arrested you.

 

I think you need to get out, ensure you have access to the kids, it aint goning to get an better mate, i tried and tried but after 3 years just got worse

 

since when was stabbing no more than general assault just because its in the arm or leg?

 

its a little more but not classed as a serious knife crime,,, i know this as i have been stabbed twice and also got a few mates who have been stabbed up,,,, including the leg in a argument,,,,,,,,, sounds fucking stupid ill agree but the tosser who stabbed someone in the leg got a caution for it !!!!

 

i know, i was trying to add some cheer to a person whos obv gonna be feeling down with some humor

its not nice seeing it or being in it,,,, its the worst thing as a blokes world will be ripped apart,,,,, yet the bird will get some heartache and financial issues,,,,, but still have her kids and a roof under her head

 

smokey you need to try and work out why its happening if you can. Just seen your in London so you are well served with support organisations if you look hard.

She wasnt always violent otherwise its reasonable to say you wouldnt have married her ans survived 12 years.

So its fair to say shes not evil nasty person, so something in her mind has changed to make her act this way.

Could be concious behaviour or subconcious.

Maybe response to frustration at not getting her way, or maybe not getting the response she feels she needs.

People who feel powerless can react violently when they feel backed into a corner (even if they are wrong in the arguement).

Also when people do things like that, the fact youve let her carry on being violent, (well its gradually built up) in her mind shes got permission. (again this is almost subconcious permission) to do it again as theres no significatn consequence.

The police caution may have helped her but it doesnt solve the fundamental communication problems that surround the violence.

 

smokey you need to try and work out why its happening if you can. Just seen your in London so you are well served with support organisations if you look hard.

She wasnt always violent otherwise its reasonable to say you wouldnt have married her ans survived 12 years.

So its fair to say shes not evil nasty person, so something in her mind has changed to make her act this way.

Could be concious behaviour or subconcious.

Maybe response to frustration at not getting her way, or maybe not getting the response she feels she needs.

People who feel powerless can react violently when they feel backed into a corner (even if they are wrong in the arguement).

Also when people do things like that, the fact youve let her carry on being violent, (well its gradually built up) in her mind shes got permission. (again this is almost subconcious permission) to do it again as theres no significatn consequence.

The police caution may have helped her but it doesnt solve the fundamental communication problems that surround the violence.

 

fucking double posts

 

also if you call tony at turbosystems,,,, hes good with some marital advice also

seriously just vist your local council office, they will be able to put you incontact with someone who can give you some real advice,,, thats before the enemy even knows about it too

 

really,,, cant say i noticed till you said

 

couple of things you have to ask yourself! Is this situation getting/going worse? will help be only delaying the end of the relationship? do you still love her?

saying your only staying for the kids ISN'T a good enough reason imo(as the kids WILL alway be your kids m8 no matter what may be)!

and they wouldn't be subject to what they may now be seeing on a regular basis and ALSO among ALL this you have YOUR own life to live to ie are YOU happy!

 

Who IS the enemy though ginge?? If you mean his wife, shes not the enemy and they need to work together on this otherwise thier relationship IS fucked. Sure a bit of sly advice before you approach her about it is fine.

 

Relate can help, they sit down and discuss issues.

Sorry ginge PMSL

 

Cheers Ginge, I could do with a laugh right now....anything to take my mind off it.

Theres a forum that we both post on. As we're not talking I'm trying to decipher whats on her mind.

I was replying to a thread by a woman called Sharlene who was asking the question " Why do we need Men in our lives?"

"After long time just myself alone and my kids, I am used to this kind of life, I don’t want to actually get involved with any men, I feel I can survive without a man in my life, and I don’t trust men either. ?"

I replied:

"Thats the key issue Sharlene, you have custody of your kids.

I can live a happy life on my own, but I can't live without my kids. "


Then my wife logs on and replys with this;

"I made the mistake of thinking I do need a man in my life - I don't. I love being on my own and the freedom that comes with it."

I don't know whether this is actually a message to me saying its over?

Why reply if she is thinking about taking the route her sister has suggested.....divorce?

 

To be honest Alvyn, I do still love her. We get on really well the majority of the time, but when it kicks off, it really escalates.

 

Im in a different situation but often think i stay for my child.

I have a partner who is fine, treats me well, good mum, doesnt drink or smoke, we never argue, house always clean, works her ass off,

I feel a bit bored and I adore someone else, although nothings ever happened between us, i have loved this other women for 7 years, she is just the best,, but feel cant leave my child and grass aint always greener.

I hope you sort your issues out, and be happy

 

OK dont necessarily take everything she says literally. BUT it does seem she feels strangled in some way. But that isnt necessarily because of you. Would she really have any more freedom living alone as a single parent??? I think not.

A lot of people can maintain thier true independance and freedom DESPITE being married. Marriage isnt about giving up everything to be together, its about choosing to share your lives together. SHould bring more opportunities not less.

Kids obviously complicate things but with you or without you, shes still got the restrictions having kids provides.

She needs to be frank what she wants. What is it she misses about freedom?? girly nights out?? girly chats with mates??

Humans are meant to be social creatures so for her to say she doesnt want anyone in her life shows she has some deep seated emotional issues to deal with.

It could be something as simple as the monotony of married life that affects so many couples.

Whatever happens you both MUST talk about it together, and whatever happens with the relationship, theres kids involved.

 

I've got a rule if the wife ever raised her hands to me,she gets one hit for free after that she gets decked then thrown out.

 

One tip, thats a very emotional reply youve made as what she said has clearly got to you, you need to take that step back and think things through rationally rather than let emotions control things. Its easy to say/do things when emotional you dont mean and it can be hard to "take it back".

Think with your head as well as your heart and you will be able to make a reasoned judgement.

 

Dont sound good mate, get out and take the kids with you

 

to be honest mate do you really think that a ford enthusiasts site is the place to discuss this? why not just get somebody to look after the kids for a while and talk to her face to face and if she cant keep her fists to herself jog her on.

 

This is a General Discussion room ,if someone wants advice then why shouldnt they ask ?? It may be a ford enthusiasts site but if every post was about a ford it would get bloody boring .


Hope you can get it sorted mate

 

Thanks Jase. Apart from this other woman you're happy otherwise?

I undertsand about your child, I couldn't bear to be without my kids...


Thanks Warren, your advice is much appreciated.

mk1escoz4x4. ..I know, its just it seems easier to type on a site I'm familar with....I'll try to talk once the kids are back at school.

 

im on about the moral implications of telling everybody your personal buisness and as it were airing your dirty linen in public

 

As he said above

 

Smokey - You need to sit her down and talk to her before this situation becomes any worse.

This has happened in front of your kids for god sake!!!!

I know it is easier said than done, but i was brought up in a violent environment, and have also been a victim of domestic violence. And, as much as i am not proud to admit this, i have also hit/lashed out/thrown objects/attacked an ex partner.

For me, when i lashed out at him, it was simply to get a reaction... if we were rowing, and he wasnt really taking any notice, id pick something up and throw it at him... just so he reacted somehow... or i would literaly charge at him, and hit him as hard as i could.

Like i say i am not proud of it, but am trying to help you understand why she may be doing it.

When you row... do you shout back? or do you just stand there? Do you often react over the smallest of things? or is it usually her thats starts it?

Are either of you insecure?

Do you think she may have met someone else?

Is there a possibility either of you could be suffering from depression?

If you think there is any glimmer of hope, then do all you can to save your relationship.

Its not nice for kids to see their parents break up, but it also isnt nice for them to see their parents at each others throats.

Ultimately, if you think you can be happy together, then fight for it! 12 years is a long time to give up!

Go to your GP he/she can refer you to government funded councelling, alternatively if you cant be arsed to wait, find your local RELATE councellor, they charge about Ł35 an hour but they GENUINELY help couples from all walks of life and in all sorts of situations.

Good luck though whatever happens.

 

The people on this site represent a broad spectrum of society so why would this not be a place to get GENERAL advice???? Hes not expecting to find a counsellor or shrink here.

Its not that simple and even if he tried that the courts are still even these days stacked in the favour of the woman for custody. A few slaps etc wouldnt loose her custody as the solicitor on her side would play up anything hes ever done wrong to make him look a cunt.

 

and as i said
im on about the moral implications of telling everybody your personal buisness and as it were airing your dirty linen in public

 

Sorry to read this Smokey, my Ex was very bad angered and often used to attack me until i called the police although they never done anything!

I thought i wouldn't be able to live without my kid, but it's the norm now and i only see him a meesly 5hrs a fortnight

I hope you 2 can sort this out, best of luck to the both of you

 

I have found that talking on here has helped me immensely on many occasions.

Its not everyones cup of tea... but to others its a very resourceful helpline.

So, if you dont think its right, posting his issues up on here... just keep it to yourself.. and not turn this thread to shit...

If the chap wants to post his issues here... then so be it.