www.chucknorrisfacts.com

at the moment i'm torn between these 2

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

and

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

there is also one about nasa oweing him a beer but that's just bordering on the silly

 

"chuck norris actually built the stairway to heaven"

"kenny G is alive cause chuck norris doesn't hit girls"

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

 

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

OMG!

 

wtf is this shit all about

 

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

love these two

 

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

#

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

 

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time

 

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris

 

"Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman survives"

 

can't get to the site at work but

 

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Funny as fuck

 

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

 

See my signature - it changes regular

 

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

"after chuck norris has a night on the beers he doesnt throw up,he throws down!"